The Dark Parade

It's with like an albatross around the neck, no more like a millstone, a plumbing stone, by God.

Got them all.

Hey there, everyone.

Welcome to a brand new episode of Heart of Horror.

A show that gets more romantic with every episode, and this is easily the most romantic episode.

The most romantic movie, certainly.

It's swoon-worthy, honestly.

And with me, as always, covered in aphids.

You know, straight off the bat, I've got a story.

All right.

Obviously, Kate Pollack, as we were talking about, let's get to the stories, though.

It was more like a train of thought that led to a story, because I was covered in something, and then...

I literally had something happen yesterday.

It's pretty graphic, though.

Well, I mean, no time like the present.

I'm so fucking glad my parents don't listen to this show.

So, okay.

So I've started seeing this guy, and I stayed on his last couple of nights, because my kid was at her dad's, so all good.

And this has never happened to me before, ever.

We were having sex, right?

It was really good.

And that had never happened to you before?

No.

It's a miracle.

It's a miracle that I've done this show for so long and never had sex.

And Anna had a child.

And had a child, yeah.

More to the point.

So we were having sex, it was going very well for me.

And it was going actually pretty fucking well for me.

And then he sort of put my legs over his shoulders, he was banging away.

In a way, to the point where the evidence of it going very, very well for me was spraying back in our faces.

It was doing what now?

It was spraying back in our faces.

Oh, wow.

On thrust, each thrust, yeah.

That's amazing.

Like cutting through the wake, almost, you know?

Like I'm picturing a boat slicing through the water, carving the tide to either side.

You're short.

So I snorted real fast.

Sorry.

Gross.

Don't apologize for that.

And then like a little, so okay, we had also, for the record, I've started off drunk.

I've been out this evening.

I've watched one really great film, one really terrible film, and me and my friends sort of decided to do some drinks after the terrible film.

Right, so yeah, anyways, so we started off without my underwear being removed.

So just like, you know, moved to the side kind of thing.

But anyway, I was having a real good time from the very get go.

And when I went to put my knickers, I'll soon say pants, but American this and sort of thing, I mean, my trousers, my underwear back on.

Turns out I had a real good time all over them.

And I didn't have any spare.

So I had to hang them up on his like clothes rack, his drying rack.

That was last night.

And then today, I had to put them back on because I had nothing else.

And I thought I would have enough time to get home and change before going to meet my friend.

Oh, no.

But I overslept because we napped.

And, well, let's just say I still haven't showered or got changed.

Wow.

You said you were just a stink of sex.

I'm fucking disgusting.

Although my friend said that she couldn't smell anything.

She said it was all fine.

So I was just like, in fairness, like I'm a pretty hydrated, clean person.

So, you know, it's like it should be OK.

But I'm definitely going to be showering after this recording.

I mean, you might want to just.

So will all of our listeners as well.

But I feel like that's true of every episode.

Like every episode should end with a cigarette and a shower.

Just wash that filth off.

Savor it for a second with the cigarette.

And then like, all right, I got to move on with my life and do something constructive.

Check in with yourself and be like, what is wrong with me?

I mean, this is literally how I feel every time I get off the phone from you.

I'm just like, oh, here we go again.

Speaking of tangentially related, but when you said being able to control yourself, it brought this to mind.

One of the guys I work with recently told me, and I work in a public high school for those of you who don't know, so a senior teacher in the school told me that...

When you say senior, do you mean that they're old or that they've been there a while?

No, I mean grade 12 teacher.

Okay.

I'm just talking for my imagination.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So by senior teacher, I just mean he teaches seniors.

That's our grade 12.

Sorry.

So anyway, it tells me the other day that one of the kids in his class was just like straight jerking off under his desk.

You're joking.

No.

I mean, it doesn't have it out, but it's over the clothes.

Over what?

But what?

Over what?

What are they wanking over?

I mean, I suppose it's that age you can literally wank over.

Yeah.

I mean, these are like 17 year olds, so they're just, you know, they have an erection by default.

Yeah.

And anyway, but apparently he just couldn't control himself, couldn't hang on to get to the bathroom or whatever.

But apparently did it to completion.

How do you concentrate in that environment?

I have so many questions.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't have all of the questions that you want to ask here, I'm sure.

I just, how do you, I mean, how do you, you got everyone, like, how do you, I just, I don't understand.

Like, what did the kids say?

The kids must have known.

No, the kids absolutely knew and have been chastising this child ever since.

And better yet, the teacher was like, yeah, like, I wrote him up for it, obviously, and submitted, you know, an administrative referral, but it hasn't been processed yet.

So like the kids just come to us, right?

Do I come to school every day?

Like he wasn't just jerking off at class.

Yeah.

Like, hang on.

He's done this more than once.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, as far as I know, there's only been the one incident, but it's just gone unaddressed.

Is he like the weird kid?

I mean, he's got to be right.

There was this kid at my school.

Have I told the story?

There's this kid at my school who one time I saw humping the table leg and he was a weird kid and there were these rumors.

Okay, they were rumors and they probably weren't true because you know how rumors are at school, right?

But apparently like him and his sister.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's not cool.

What also not cool is she is mentally disabled.

It might have been just bullshit mean kid rumors.

That is an Epstein level of gross.

Yeah.

Oh my goodness.

All right.

Well, let's look, we've got problems of our own to discuss without dragging incest into this for our episode tonight, because we're not talking about healthy love.

No, we're talking about the Billy Friedkin movie from 2006 called Bug, and this is the director of the fucking Godfather, not Godfather, Exorcist.

Yeah.

I'm actually calling him Billy, like, you know, your old pals.

My old buddy Billy.

Look, he's dead now.

And so there's nothing he can say to disprove my claim that he and I were good friends.

As far as anyone listening knows, Billy, Billy Free and me.

It just sounded like the kind of, I don't know, I guess it's because it kind of sounded to me like me and Dufre, but like Billy Free and me, like some sort of kind of like a Hallmark movie type.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, we were...

Like skipping down the path, you know, arm in arm.

I mean, practically a buddy cop movie.

Basically.

Yeah.

And so BF, I called him.

So BF directed this movie.

It was one of his later films and didn't get a lot of attention, which is kind of a bummer because I think it's one of his better movies from that period.

It's got...

So the cast is Michael Shannon, who's fucking amazing in this.

So good in this.

And Ashley Judd, who kind of had a hot hand.

She was in like that Kiss the Girls movie or something.

Yeah, but she got fucked over by Weinstein and she, so.

Yeah, which is a real bummer, because she's quite good in this too.

And then Harry Connick Jr.

is kind of the other big name in the movie.

And this was at a time when, you know, they were trying to make fetch work.

And try to convince us all that Harry Connick Jr.

could be in movies.

And like the one I think of is Copycat.

Like that's the Harry Connick Jr.

performance I go to in my head.

Yes, yes, every time.

Which isn't great.

It's, and it, because he's not a great actor.

He's fine, but he's not great.

Yeah.

And when you're going up against Michael Shannon and Ashley Judd in this movie, who are like going, like taking big swings performance wise.

Yeah.

And I, I don't, I just don't think he hangs.

But we'll get to all that in a minute first.

That's just what we're going to be talking about.

A little preview, a little susan of what's to come.

But speaking of coming, do we have a story of somebody coming with or around a ghost, alien or weird object?

No, no, he does.

So this is off of Reddit.

Yeah, so what's fun about this is there's an interesting sort of reply to it as well, which I didn't hear about, which is I'm going to look more into for next episode, I think, because that's fun, but I just didn't have time.

Okay.

So I'll do this one.

On account of all the, you know, coming.

And movie watching.

I watched two movies at the cinema today and stuff.

Yeah, but the more fun story is you having underwear that could like crawl away on its own.

And I've had college and I've been like, balls deep lol, in the Kendrick Lamar versus Drake fucking drama, beef shit.

Well, sure, who isn't?

Who isn't, right?

So I've been busy, I've been busy.

Anyway.

Hi, I've never posted that.

So this is from i underscore is underscore potato.

I is potato, got it.

Yeah, spelled wrong though.

Potato's got an E on the end in this one.

And it says, this girl in my class claims to have had sex with a ghost.

So, hi, I've never posted any, speaking of the weird kids, I have never posted anything here because I rarely use this, but I really need to take this off my chest.

I've got this girl in my classroom that's a bit weird.

A lot of people make fun of her, but just because she's insufferable and talks about disrespectfully to the teachers, and it's generally a weirdo.

That'll do it.

I've been her friend time ago, probably meant a long time ago, but stopped because of a non-consented kiss she gave me.

I know she's a very spiritual person and believes in Celtic mythology and gods and whatever.

She also mentioned that she wants to become a druid when she's grown up, which is weird because why would you go to an art school in Italy then?

Yeah, fair point.

I happened to figure out that she has a boyfriend as I saw her write something on the chalkboard in a language and in a font I didn't recognize.

She wrote something that she explained to me was her name, X, another name with some hearts around it.

Now I don't believe in ghosts.

I've had, sorry.

I hardly did as I believe it's ridiculously stupid.

Even if I had some paranormal activities in my house once in a while.

Nothing too spooky, just lights turning off randomly.

She explained to one of my friends that the other name belonged to this guy that we'll call Fred.

Fred is apparently dead, but she told us that they're in a relationship.

Okay, she may be delusional or something.

I can understand that, but I found out just this morning that apparently she told one of my other friends that she had a full, she had full, sorry, he's went and had a full intercourse.

She had full intercourse with this ghost.

She explained that while she was at the park near our school, she had summoned this ghost and that afterwards they had sex.

She included that she could feel the, quote unquote, spirits inside along with a sticky ghost substance after the whole deal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, a sticky ghostly substance?

Yeah.

Okay, just making sure.

Yeah.

I'm making my notes over here, okay.

But it didn't spur in the face.

She didn't add anything else, but she's known to be a witch.

So I'm afraid she might curse me or something if me and my friends ask him more details.

This isn't the only weird thing that she's done, but I hope that she's just mentally unstable or whatever.

And she dreamt all this because if this shit is real, I'm gonna kill myself.

Shout out to Fred the ghost for getting laid by the girl in my class.

Good job, homie.

Just hope she isn't pregnant because I don't want to deal with her and her ghost babies.

First of all, I feel like the author of the post was a little too sarcastic.

He's very judgy.

I feel right.

Not approaching it from a scientific point of view.

No, that's yes.

There's definitely bias here.

Right.

Thumb on the scale.

Like the way that I'm writing this is meant to suggest that all of this is a little bit ridiculous.

Yeah, as opposed to the kind of investigative journalism we do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where we try to get to the professionals, right?

Right.

Professionals.

God damn it.

Any further evidence for the court?

No, that is literally just this.

But then there was a comment from someone who's said, as I said, I probably would have looked more into this if I'd had the time, but reminds me of the women.

Maybe you've heard about this.

Reminds me of the women to claim to have had sex with Michael Jackson's ghost.