The Dark Parade

Chad: And welcome to Pick Six Movies, the podcast

Chad: where each season, we select six movies all

Chad: related to a single theme, and then on each

Chad: episode we take a look at the people who

Chad: made one of those movies to answer the

Chad: question… Huh?

Chad: Then, on top of that, we give you a full

Chad: review of the movie, from start to finish,

Chad: to see if it's any good, and more often

Chad: than not, the movies we review on this

Chad: podcast are genuinely awful.

Chad: I'm Chad Cooper and, along with my lifelong

Chad: friend and podcast co-host, mr Bo Randstall,

Chad: this season's theme is Domo Arigato,

Chad: featuring six movies where robots are up to

Chad: all manner of unexpected hijinks.

Chad: This is episode 5, and boy do we have a

Chad: doozy of a movie for you with Shopping Mall.

Chad: It's everything you want in an 80's slasher

Chad: movie Young adults stranded alone, this

Chad: time in a shopping mall, with a murderous

Chad: killer.

Chad: This time it's three robots and they stalk

Chad: down the young adults one by one and they

Chad: kill them off until the movie ends.

Chad: And you turn it off and you never think

Chad: twice about it for the rest of your life.

Chad: Doesn't that sound delightful?

Chad: Of course it does.

Chad: But enough of my gibber jabber.

Chad: Let's get Mr Bo Randstall in here to

Chad: explain to us how Shopping Malls destroyed

Chad: the America of yesteryear, only to set the

Chad: stage for this terrifyingly terrible

Chad: slasher film.

Chad: Oh, and there's gratuitous nudity, both

Chad: male and female, and I guess there's robot

Chad: nudity, cause they don't wear clothes.

Chad: Can robots be naked?

Chad: Rosie the robot on the Jetson she wore a

Chad: maid's costume, so I guess if she took it

Chad: off she'd be naked.

Chad: You know what Robots can be naked?

Chad: Listen to me.

Chad: Gibber, jabber on.

Chad: Let's just get Mr Bo Randstall in here to

Chad: talk about Shopping Mall before I prattle

Chad: on a little bit more.

Chad: Bo, do that thing, you do.

Bo: Elizabeth King once wrote If capitalism is

Bo: America's religion, the mall is its church.

Bo: The American urge to consume has been bored

Bo: into us through decades of advertising and

Bo: culture.

Bo: Who doesn't love that feeling when a new

Bo: box from Amazon shows up at your door?

Bo: It's a dopamine hit of satisfaction, a

Bo: release of pleasure on account of you

Bo: having more stuff.

Bo: We got rid of the mall and made the stuff

Bo: come right to us.

Bo: An advancement in consumerism, but not so

Bo: much in the world where malls had a

Bo: different intended purpose.

Bo: See, malls weren't supposed to be just a

Bo: place to go and spend money.

Bo: They were supposed to bring us as a society

Bo: together.

Bo: Cue the music fellas.

Bo: It sounds like an introduction.

Bo: The guy who first devised the idea of the

Bo: American shopping mall wasn't some guy in a

Bo: boardroom eager to put all the things you

Bo: can buy in one handy place.

Bo: Nope, it was a Vienna-born architect by the

Bo: name of Victor Gruen, a socialist of all

Bo: things.

Bo: Gruen had noted that people were fleeing

Bo: urban areas in a wake of industrialization

Bo: and he was worried that these suburban

Bo: spaces where the population was flocking to

Bo: would, in his words, create a quote

Bo: feminized space where the only people who

Bo: could possibly live were women and children,

Bo: on account of there being nothing to do but,

Bo: one presumes, bake and clean the house and

Bo: play in the vast stretches of empty spaces.

Bo: Gruen saw this as a problem of society, a

Bo: need for a place where people could come

Bo: together and share in cultural experiences.

Bo: These buildings, in Gruen's mind, would be

Bo: state-owned facilities where people could

Bo: come and mingle, exchange ideas.

Bo: It was a blast of old-fashioned Greek

Bo: democracy, positioned squarely in suburban

Bo: centers.

Bo: So in the 1950s, just as World War II

Bo: provided another boost to the urban flight

Bo: and a rush to the suburbs, gruen began

Bo: building his shopping malls.

Bo: It was a dream that would become, for Gruen,

Bo: a nightmare.

Bo: By the time the 1960s rolled around, there

Bo: were 4,500 shopping malls littering the

Bo: landscape of the suburbs.

Bo: Their presence on city planning,

Bo: infrastructure and the very economies of

Bo: suburban communities cannot be overstated.

Bo: They became cultural centers, sure, but not

Bo: an exchange of ideas as Gruen hoped.

Bo: They were monuments to capitalism and

Bo: consumerism, a place where one could

Bo: compare one's life against another's and

Bo: buy all the things that would fill the gulf

Bo: between the life you had and the life you

Bo: wanted.

Bo: In a 1986 issue of Consumer Reports, this

Bo: shopping mall, as an invention, was named

Bo: one of the 50 greatest consumer innovations

Bo: in history, right up there with antibiotics

Bo: and personal computers.

Bo: In 1985, a law professor at the University

Bo: of California in Los Angeles penned a

Bo: letter attempting to sway the New York

Bo: Court of Appeals to lift a ban on

Bo: pamphleteering in malls.

Bo: The court decided that this sort of thing

Bo: was disruptive to all the shopping and

Bo: buying and food courting.

Bo: But this professor argued that the mall had

Bo: become essentially a town square and some

Bo: amount of disruption in all that.

Bo: Shopping was important and even necessary

Bo: for the betterment of democracy.

Bo: Gruen would have been proud.

Bo: This was what he wanted all along the mall

Bo: as city center, a place where ideas are

Bo: debated and exchanged.

Bo: But not everything was rosy with the advent

Bo: of malls.

Bo: I mean, it started as a way to subvert the

Bo: feminization of suburban culture, already a

Bo: fairly sexist idea.

Bo: But then came the racism.

Bo: Yeah, you knew that was coming.

Bo: Most of the flight from urban areas to the

Bo: suburbs was from your old pal the Caucasian,

Bo: a phenomena known as white flight.

Bo: So more white people than any other

Bo: demographic were fleeing the city,

Bo: percentage wise.

Bo: And it also helped if you could afford a

Bo: car to get to said mall, which required

Bo: reasonable and steady income, something

Bo: white folks had more than their fair share

Bo: of when compared with other groups,

Bo: especially in the 50s and 60s, and the jobs

Bo: opening up in the suburbs.

Bo: Yep, you needed cars to get to them too,

Bo: and basic access to the malls isn't the

Bo: only thing that was inherently problematic

Bo: when discussing race.

Bo: If someone in the black or Hispanic

Bo: community did manage to make it to a mall,

Bo: they reported high degrees of racial

Bo: profiling by mall security 65% of black

Bo: people and 56% of Hispanic people believed

Bo: that they were profiled when entering

Bo: stores and malls.

Bo: According to a 2004 Gallup poll and if you

Bo: needed more proof, barneys of New York and

Bo: Macy's were so guilty of it an

Bo: investigation was called and both stores

Bo: locations were found to practice high

Bo: degrees of racial profiling in their

Bo: anti-theft practices.

Bo: That could explain why, during the Black

Bo: Lives Matter protests of 2015, the largest

Bo: mall in the country, bloomington,

Bo: minnesota's Mall of America, was chosen as

Bo: a site of a large scale protest, as if to

Bo: say here in this place, we do not feel we

Bo: are being respected or treated with basic

Bo: human dignity.

Bo: But, of course, nothing can last.

Bo: Malls fell victim to the one constant

Bo: change.

Bo: Online shopping hit consumers and consumers

Bo: loved it.

Bo: All the stuff.

Bo: None of the walking and shopping and

Bo: shutter being around other people.

Bo: You can have whatever you want dropped on

Bo: your doorstep and you don't even have to

Bo: look at the person who brought it to you.

Bo: The final nail in Gruen's utopian ideal of

Bo: the mall Get rid of all the interaction and

Bo: leave behind the raw consumerism.

Bo: Between 2008 and 2009, malls posted losses

Bo: of 6.5% in sales.

Bo: And suddenly malls were closing, at least

Bo: 15% of them Giant edifices that once

Bo: contained hundreds or thousands of people

Bo: now empty, some left abandoned so that

Bo: nature herself began its reclamation of the

Bo: spaces.

Bo: By 2022, that number was more like 20-25%

Bo: of all malls in this country were closed.

Bo: These are haunted places, these empty and

Bo: abandoned malls.

Bo: To look at the internet, to see some of the

Bo: images, is like looking at sets from some

Bo: post-apocalyptic film.

Bo: Before he died in 1980, gruen said I am

Bo: often called the father of the shopping

Bo: mall.

Bo: I would like to take this opportunity to

Bo: disclaim paternity once and for all.

Bo: I refuse to pay alimony to those bastard

Bo: developments.

Bo: They destroyed our cities.

Bo: It is perhaps fitting that, in the wake of

Bo: his demise, so too did the mall die.

Bo: And yet there is life in the old girl yet,

Bo: or perhaps a resurrection, as befitting our

Bo: Halloween season.

Bo: Local communities have, in some places,

Bo: bought up the old private malls and turned

Bo: them into communal spaces, places where

Bo: local hospitals have satellite centers or

Bo: community colleges or cultural centers.

Bo: For some of these same communities, for

Bo: whom the traditional mall meant profiling

Bo: and disenfranchisement, there is also the

Bo: rise of the Mall Walker, a punchline shore,

Bo: but also a pretty remarkable thing Elderly

Bo: citizens, who are often left behind in the

Bo: need for community as friends and relatives

Bo: die or lose touch or simply don't want to

Bo: be around creepy old people.

Bo: These elderly citizens can go to these

Bo: mostly abandoned malls where there is maybe

Bo: one anchor store holding on an orange

Bo: Julius and then a whole wing devoted to a

Bo: trade school or something.

Bo: They can walk these malls with others like

Bo: them, people still looking for ways to be

Bo: active and to be social.

Bo: Alexandra Lang, who has studied the rise

Bo: and fall of the mall as an institution,

Bo: says about this phenomena quote the mall in

Bo: its quiet early hours provides affordances.

Bo: Most cities and suburbs cannot Open open

Bo: walkways, consistent weather, bathrooms and

Bo: benches.

Bo: A 2010 study found.

Bo: Quote spatial practice often exceeds the

Bo: conceptions of designers and managers,

Bo: transforming malls into community space.

Bo: This is particularly true in declining

Bo: inner suburbs, where poor and racialized

Bo: communities depend more heavily on malls

Bo: for social reproduction as well as

Bo: recreation and consumption.

Bo: It's just a fancy way to say that the malls

Bo: have become actual places of community.

Bo: Again in keeping with our Halloween season,

Bo: gruen had to invent his monster, watch it

Bo: die and then return as the thing he

Bo: intended all along.

Bo: And given the cultural obsession with malls

Bo: in the 1980s, it's no surprise that someone

Bo: would make a horror movie set inside one.

Bo: Someone would expect the king of B-movies,

Bo: roger Corman, to jump on such a thing, but

Bo: you'd be wrong.

Bo: It was his wife, julie Corman, that hitched

Bo: her wagon to the mall craze.

Bo: Julie Corman had a deal with Vestron

Bo: Pictures, one of the great B-movie studios

Bo: of the 80s, to make a horror movie that

Bo: takes place in a mall.

Bo: She turned to a writer-director inside the

Bo: Roger Corman stable to bring her vision to

Bo: life a guy by the name of Jim Wynorski.

Bo: He talked extensively about Wynorski on the

Bo: episode On Return of the Swamp Thing way

Bo: back in season 5, episode 2.

Bo: A movie Wynorski also directed.

Bo: If you don't recall that one or didn't

Bo: listen to that episode, first of all, shame

Bo: on you.

Bo: The short version is that Wynorski is a

Bo: great, a weirdo, with a penchant for large

Bo: breasts and making everything from cheap

Bo: sci-fi movies to cheap skin flicks.

Bo: He's made a career for himself and that's

Bo: something.

Bo: But make no mistake, jim Wynorski is not

Bo: what you would call an auteur.

Bo: Still, at the time of Chopping Mall's

Bo: inception, wynorski was a go-to guy in the

Bo: Corman world, having written movies like

Bo: Forbidden World and Sorceress and

Bo: Screwballs a porkey's knockoff for Corman

Bo: and he had recently written and directed

Bo: the movie the Lost Empire, which IMDb

Bo: describes thusly seeking revenge Officer

Bo: Angel Wolfe, her Native American friend,

Bo: wide star oh boy, and Outlaw Heather

Bo: infiltrate a fortified island where an

Bo: undead wizard in his evil cult forced

Bo: captured women to take part in gladiatorial

Bo: tournaments.

Bo: So you kinda know what you're getting with

Bo: this guy.

Bo: But he did work fast and on a budget, and

Bo: that goes a long way with Roger Corman and

Bo: Julie.

Bo: Corman pitched the concept to Wynorski who

Bo: said he could write a script on the cheap

Bo: if he'd also be allowed to direct.

Bo: Corman agreed Julie that is and Wynorski

Bo: was off to the races.

Bo: He enlisted the aid of a buddy, steven

Bo: Mitchell, a guy he knew from the horror

Bo: convention circuit.

Bo: The two bonded when they kept running into

Bo: each other at conventions for EC Comics,

Bo: the pre-code horror comics that are truly

Bo: wonders to behold.

Bo: It was Wynorski who said that they all to

Bo: do robots in a mall and went on to say he

Bo: was inspired by a 1954 film called Gog, in

Bo: which malfunctioning robots hunt people in

Bo: an underground base where a space station

Bo: is being built.

Bo: Others are quick to point out that there is

Bo: a made for TV movie from 1973 called

Bo: Trapped, aka Doberman Patrol, a movie that

Bo: is very similar to Choppie Mall, only

Bo: substituted Doberman Pinchers for robots.

Bo: Regardless of how it was inspired, wynorski

Bo: and Steve Mitchell put together a story in

Bo: about 24 hours.

Bo: Julie Corman dug it and passed it along to

Bo: the suits at Vestron and, despite the fact

Bo: that there wasn't, you know, a real script,

Bo: they gave it the green light.

Bo: They did write a script, believe it or not,

Bo: which took another month and change to get

Bo: done.

Bo: And, lest we forget, jim Wynorski is kind

Bo: of a creep.

Bo: So when it came to casting the movie, he

Bo: led his dick, lead the way.

Bo: Dana Kimmel, an actress known at the time

Bo: for Lone Wolf McQuade and who would later

Bo: go on to be in Friday the 13th, part 3, was

Bo: originally cast as the lead, but she quote

Bo: did not want to do anything that was sexual,

Bo: and so she got bounced from the cast.

Bo: Enter Kelly Maroney, who had a huge run as

Bo: a young woman on Ryan's Hope, the old soap

Bo: opera, and then landed the role of Cindy in

Bo: Fast Times at Richmond High.

Bo: She would be best known for cult movies

Bo: like Night of the Comet, chopping Mall and

Bo: Not of this Earth.

Bo: Wynorski wanted to date Maroney and cast

Bo: her because he wanted to get it wet, and

Bo: also Maroney was quote game for anything

Bo: Generic white guy dudes.

Bo: John Toleski and Russell Todd were cast as

Bo: Mike and Rick respectively, and Tony O'Dell,

Bo: aka Jimmy from Karate Kid 1 2, plays Ferdy,

Bo: the nerdy hero of our movie.

Bo: And much love, as usual, to the Queen of B

Bo: movies, barbara Crampton, who was still

Bo: early in her career at this point, but not

Bo: that early.

Bo: She was already the woman who was eaten out

Bo: by that decapitated head and reanimator one

Bo: of the truly shocking moments in film

Bo: history.

Bo: And she would of course go on to be in

Bo: movies and television until this very day.

Bo: She is currently on a run of the Young and

Bo: the Restless, while appearing in indie

Bo: movies all over the place, and is doing

Bo: voice work for video games, recently the

Bo: character of Mom in the zombie co-op

Bo: shooter Back for Blood.

Bo: Is there anything she can't do?

Bo: Oh, and you'll probably recognize some

Bo: character actors in the mix too, like Dick

Bo: Miller and Paul Bartell and Mary Warnoff,

Bo: the latter couple featured in the movie

Bo: Eating Raul, a cult movie if ever there was

Bo: one.

Bo: And Dick Miller was not only a Roger Corman

Bo: staple he's been in pretty much every B

Bo: movie worth a damn in the past half century

Bo: or more.

Bo: So the movie was intended to be shot at the

Bo: Beverly Center in Los Angeles, but that

Bo: cost a lot of money and this movie didn't

Bo: have a lot of money.

Bo: So they shot some exteriors there and then

Bo: they filmed all the interiors at the

Bo: Sherman Oaks Galleria, which was also the

Bo: mall used in Fast Times at Richmond High

Bo: and the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie

Bo: Commando For the furniture store.

Bo: The production took over an empty space and

Bo: made their own store, which doubled as

Bo: storage for all the equipment during the

Bo: day when the mall was open.

Bo: The shooting of the movie took about 20

Bo: days and for better or worse, shopping Mall

Bo: was ready to unleash on an unsuspecting

Bo: public.

Bo: Only it wasn't called Shopping Mall at

Bo: first.

Bo: It was called Killbots and it was

Bo: test-marketed to audiences in March of 1986.

Bo: The test screenings went poorly and the

Bo: movie was, part of the expression, chopped

Bo: down and given the new title Shopping Mall.

Bo: When it finally did make its way to wide

Bo: release, the movie was met with decent, if

Bo: unexceptional, business and critical

Bo: reviews that landed somewhere south of good,

Bo: though.

Bo: Some critics found some fun with the film,

Bo: even if they admitted that it was no

Bo: cinematic achievement.

Bo: But it was on home video that Shopping Mall

Bo: found its audience, one that would inspire

Bo: a DVD release in 2004 on the back of some

Bo: really good VHS sales and rental numbers.

Bo: Maybe it was the poster, maybe it was just

Bo: the silliness of it all, maybe just the sun

Bo: shining on this particular dog's ass on

Bo: this particular day, but Shopping Mall was,

Bo: after a while, a success.

Bo: But does this consumer concoction have any

Bo: fire in the bellies of its robotic security

Bo: guards, or is this one big not topic?

Bo: To find out, let's get chat in here to ring

Bo: up the damage on this.

Bo: Jim Wynorski, jim, ladies and gentlemen,

Bo: birdies and suesies, it's 1986's Shopping

Bo: Mall, and welcome back everyone to yet

Bo: another episode of Pick Six Movies, this

Bo: one not content with just referring to the

Bo: 80s all the time on account of us being old,

Bo: we're going to watch a movie set so firmly

Bo: in the strata of the 1980s.

Bo: It is chock full of malls and big hair and

Bo: slang and crappy effects, really colored

Bo: clothing and gratuitous nudity that is both

Bo: a trademark of the 1980s and our pal Jim

Bo: Wynorski, who of course directed this.

Bo: So Shopping Mall is a movie that I feel

Bo: like has been sort of always with me in

Bo: some weird way.

Bo: Like I don't think it's a great movie and

Bo: we'll talk about all the reasons why no,

Bo: it's clearly not, but it feels like that

Bo: friend you have.

Bo: That you don't really have that much in

Bo: common with, but you've always been around

Bo: them, and so you're just sort of weird.

Chad: You got some weird friends, man.

Chad: I don't know anybody like this movie.

Bo: Oh, I know a lot of people that are like

Bo: the living embodiment of Shopping Mall.

Bo: When I watched this movie.

Chad: It reminded me that there are certain films

Chad: that were made in the 80s that really

Chad: captured the essence of the 1980s, like you

Chad: mentioned in the intro Cameron Crowe and

Chad: Amy Heckerling's Fast Times at Ridgemont

Chad: High.

Chad: Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing captures the

Chad: 80s in a certain way.

Chad: All the John Hughes films you know just

Chad: across the board.

Chad: But I also think that those movies are

Chad: separate from movies that were made in the

Chad: 80s that define that generation of

Chad: filmmaking, like Rambo or Indiana Jones

Chad: films fall into that.

Chad: Ghost Busters and Terminator and Back to

Chad: the Future and all of the unlimited slasher

Chad: movies that were cranked out during that

Chad: particular decade.

Chad: You know, I just think that certain movies

Chad: were able to just capture the essence of

Chad: that decade without trying to recreate a

Chad: certain moment.

Chad: But I think that Shopping Mall may be one

Chad: of the most fantastic time capsules for the

Chad: 1980s ever captured on film Because it's

Chad: got so much of the mall culture and it's

Chad: got a slasher film component to it and it's

Chad: this techno disaster type nightmare.

Chad: It feels like the 1980s just shit out of

Chad: film.

Bo: It has all the trappings of the 1980s.

Bo: It's not trying to be a time capsule, which

Bo: kind of makes it a better time capsule.

Chad: It's the opposite of Wonder Woman 1984.

Bo: That's a great example in a horrible movie.

Bo: I would rather watch shopping mall than

Bo: Wonder Woman 84.

Chad: It's more authentic and genuine and it's

Chad: shorter and it's more entertaining and, if

Chad: you like it, there's a lot more nudity,

Chad: both male and female.

Bo: This is true.

Bo: Say what you will about shopping mall, it

Bo: is fairly equal opportunity.

Bo: I mean, it's certainly more exploitative

Bo: with the women, I guess.

Chad: but you see as many male nipples as female

Chad: nipples.

Chad: This is nipples a nipple.

Bo: I guess that's right.

Bo: When was the first time you saw this movie?

Bo: Three days ago?

Bo: Oh really, you had never seen this before.

Chad: No, this one never came across my radar.

Chad: It always just looked a little too bad and

Chad: I don't know why.

Chad: I mean, I'm surprised that you and I never

Chad: watched this together, but I had never seen

Chad: it.

Chad: For those who don't know, there were

Chad: certain people in the 1980s children who

Chad: were just like, left to their own devices

Chad: and just figured things out and there

Chad: wasn't a whole hell of a lot to do Like,

Chad: and going to the mall was one of them.

Chad: Tv only had three stations.

Chad: They all showed the same thing News, game

Chad: shows, soap operas, syndicated garbage.

Chad: In the afternoon, local news and then three

Chad: hours of programming and that was it.

Chad: Yeah.

Chad: You had one station of PBS that showed you

Chad: stuff to learn from, and then you had one

Chad: wild card of a UHF station, if you were

Chad: lucky, and that just showed a bunch of

Chad: public domain cartoons and public domain

Chad: movies and cheap pay to play trash, like

Chad: there was nothing to do but get in trouble,

Chad: watch that crappy TV or go to the mall.

Bo: And that's assuming you had a car to get to

Bo: the mall.

Bo: Otherwise you're just roaming the

Bo: neighborhood, completely unsupervised, with

Bo: a stick and ill intent.

Chad: And if it was near New Year's Day or Fourth

Chad: of July, you were blowing things up with

Chad: fireworks.

Bo: Boy.

Bo: Those were the days.

Chad: Well, there are also maybe one or two movie

Chad: theaters in town.

Chad: This is how bad it was.

Chad: Remember when they turned that 7-Eleven

Chad: into a video rental store.

Bo: Oh sure.

Chad: It went tits up.

Chad: I'm in that video rental store and I'm

Chad: standing there looking at the movies to

Chad: rent and the movie Mannequin it's on the

Chad: shelf and I'm thinking about watching

Chad: Mannequin and I pick it up and then I turn

Chad: around and I look over at the marquee for

Chad: the shitty movie theater in our hometown

Chad: and they're showing the movie Mannequin.

Chad: Now, this was not one of those late to the

Chad: game dollar theaters.

Chad: This was full price movie theater and they

Chad: had eight screens at the time, like they

Chad: built that out.

Chad: But I was like how in the hell is there a

Chad: VHS copy of Mannequin available for rent?

Chad: And they are still showing this movie on

Chad: the big screen.

Bo: Probably wasn't legally obtained, is what I

Bo: would suggest.

Bo: I don't know.

Bo: That was what the shitty cam version of

Bo: Mannequin.

Chad: My point here just being, is that movies

Chad: during this era?

Chad: I don't know that.

Chad: I have a point here yeah.

Chad: I don't think I do.

Chad: Oh OK, when was the last time you went to a

Chad: shopping mall?

Chad: Let's talk about that for a moment.

Bo: I walked into a shopping mall within the

Bo: past two years.

Chad: It's been a decade since I've walked into a

Chad: shopping mall proper.

Bo: The only reason I did is because the child

Bo: I was with legally was taking you to the

Bo: cops.

Bo: Oh no, no, wanted to get some Chinese from

Bo: the food court, oh, and so we were going to

Bo: that.

Bo: But we walked into the mall and she said I

Bo: don't like this place.

Bo: And I said I don't either.

Bo: And then we turned around and left.

Bo: So I was in the mall once in the past

Bo: decade for about 38 seconds and that was it.

Chad: I go to one of those outdoor shopping

Chad: epicenters, kind of like a Lowe's and a

Chad: Target, and then everything else is just

Chad: stitched together.

Chad: It's it's not encased in a giant building,

Chad: but back in the day going to the mall was a

Chad: thing to do.

Bo: Again, this is before the internet, when

Bo: you could just look at all the porn you

Bo: wanted.

Bo: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's one

Bo: on the what.

Bo: Now, oh boy, I'll tell you what.

Bo: Let's take this offline.

Speaker 3: But I've got something I think you're

Speaker 3: really going to like.

Bo: Yeah, I mean you could walk in the place

Bo: with 20 bucks, hit the food court, maybe

Bo: buy a cassette tape or go to the movie

Bo: which was attached to the mall, and all of

Bo: that for a relatively inexpensive amount of

Bo: money and that blew your afternoon and you

Bo: had nothing but time.

Bo: You had no sense of mortality or how quick

Bo: all this goes by.

Bo: So, you just blew time hanging out watching

Bo: people go by and sipping an oversized

Bo: orange, julius.

Bo: In a lot of ways it was kind of wonderful

Bo: and in a lot of ways it's very sad.

Chad: Let's talk about this movie.

Bo: Oh yeah, please Out of the gate Bo.

Chad: I awarded this movie one very enthusiastic

Chad: star for its opening credits, of which

Chad: there are none.

Chad: Kudos to you, chopping ball.

Bo: The movie we go right into a dude breaking

Bo: the window of a jewelry store.

Chad: But it's a fake opening, like a James Bond

Chad: or Indiana Jones or something, but I was

Chad: like, hey, they're getting into the movie.

Bo: That's fine.

Bo: Those are real things that happen.

Bo: This is just a movie made by the security

Bo: company, but it's this thief swiping a

Bo: bunch of jewels yeah, he's a burglar.

Chad: He's wearing a little black hoodie.

Chad: I wish his shirt would have been white and

Chad: black striped, but then that would imply

Chad: that he got busted by the cops or a bandit

Chad: mask.

Chad: That would have been good.

Bo: One of those that ties at the back of his

Bo: head.

Bo: That would have been pretty good this

Bo: jewelry he's stealing.

Chad: It's clearly costume jewelry that costs

Chad: like 18 bucks retail.

Chad: The dude would have made more money by

Chad: carefully cutting out the window paint of

Chad: glass that he smashed and selling that on

Chad: the streets.

Bo: I buy most of my glass.

Bo: Just I've got a guy.

Bo: Let's just say that Sure.

Chad: Everybody's got a glass guy.

Chad: Why would you pay retail for that?

Chad: That's just foolish.

Bo: It's a fine question.

Bo: I've never done it.

Bo: Hey, you need glass.

Bo: I got glass.

Bo: Do you think they have the overcoats?

Bo: Yeah, Like what do you want?

Bo: Do you want?

Bo: You want some stained glass?

Bo: I've got.

Bo: Plexiglass, I've got security glass.

Chad: What do you need, buddy Huh.

Bo: My glass guy.

Bo: You live in a hurricane zone.

Chad: I got that covered.

Chad: See that right there.

Chad: That's a federal tax stamp.

Bo: It doesn't get more legal than that.

Chad: So back to our movie.

Chad: Yeah, our bandit stealing this jewelry

Chad: Right and then a four foot tall kill by on

Chad: treads rolls up behind this bandit and says

Chad: stop right there and surrender your weapon.

Chad: And this kill by clearly looks inspired by

Chad: short circuits, johnny five and our own

Chad: heartbeats crime buster, only 80% cheaper

Chad: and about 60% smaller.

Chad: This bandit turns around bow and starts

Chad: firing his pistol at the kill by left and

Chad: right.

Chad: He just empties his chamber and he's like,

Chad: yeah, he runs off and the kill by gives

Chad: chase and then fires a taser into the back

Chad: of this bandit, rendering the bandit

Chad: unconscious and then the end flashes on the

Chad: screen.

Bo: I was like, wow, this is going to be the

Bo: shortest episode we've ever done.

Chad: It was awesome, wasn't it?

Chad: You're like is that it?

Chad: And they're like oh crap, this is just a

Chad: head fake.

Chad: And I like that.

Chad: It's listed as a secure Tronix production.

Chad: Uh-huh Like, what are we doing here?

Chad: And then it cuts into this real to real

Chad: projector, showing that this is a short

Chad: movie about a mall robbery at night and

Chad: it's being shown to a small audience of

Chad: people in folding chairs sitting in a real

Chad: mall at night through meta.

Chad: Indeed, I think if I was the head of secure

Chad: Tronix, I would have had some real life

Chad: bandits go rob these people's stores during

Chad: the mall presentation and then, when they

Chad: went back to work, they were just like we

Chad: were robbed.

Chad: We need killbots to protect our crummy

Chad: merchandise.

Bo: That guy was right.

Bo: You know, secure Tronix is one of the

Bo: unsung heroes of filmmaking of this era.

Bo: Not only did they do, obviously, the

Bo: killbot safety video, they also did

Bo: breaking away the bicycling epic.

Bo: And they really yeah, they did the original

Bo: credit kid.

Bo: Those were both secure Tronix films, but

Bo: then they went under.

Bo: Just you know bad deals.

Chad: This blonde woman wearing a very smart

Chad: looking suit and glasses.

Chad: She takes the stage and she says ladies and

Chad: gentlemen, that ends our fake out intro to

Chad: the movie.

Chad: Here is the head of development for secure

Chad: Tronix unlimited Incorporated International,

Chad: a division of global common, its parent

Chad: company, omega Corp.

Chad: Mr Dr Stan Simon oh, by the way Chad, worth

Chad: pointing out.

Bo: We've got our cameo here by Paul Bartell

Bo: and Mary Warnoff.

Chad: Oh, they're showing up.

Chad: They're going to be here.

Chad: Another cameo.

Chad: The woman making the announcement is Angela

Chad: Ames, who had some small parts on Cheers

Chad: and Night Court, but she was the woman who

Chad: was getting her baby's photos made at the

Chad: opening of bachelor party.

Chad: When Adrian's Med and Tom Hanks come in and

Chad: they do that impromptu photo shoot with

Chad: their head all around her large cleavage.

Bo: That's her.

Bo: Oh, bachelor party holds up pretty well.

Bo: Oh, almost certainly not.

Bo: Chad Everything.

Chad: I remember about it is problematic at best.

Chad: Guy putting his wiener in the hot dog bun

Chad: and that old lady yanking on it.

Bo: I'm just thinking of the list of shit that

Bo: they tout as being acceptable yeah.

Bo: An appeal for the party itself yeah.

Bo: None of that is okay.

Chad: I want to say, though, whenever I use

Chad: paprika in the kitchen, the words thank you.

Bo: Thank you, you made me the happiest spice

Bo: in the whole wide world Always comes out of

Bo: my mouth.

Bo: I have the same problem.

Bo: I do the exact same thing.

Chad: It's paprika.

Chad: So Dr Stan Simon.

Chad: He comes up on stage and he says hello,

Chad: people of the mall, full disclosure.

Chad: The doctor in my name is followed by a

Chad: question mark and legally must be

Chad: pronounced doctor Stan Simon.

Chad: And yes, that's my Christian name.

Chad: My parents were high on PCP when they named

Chad: me.

Chad: Let me introduce you to your new security

Chad: team, the protector 101 killbot series 2000.

Chad: And then there's these three killbots

Chad: behind him sitting on the stage.

Bo: And that's the point where Paul Bartell is

Bo: like they look like the three stooges.

Chad: And then he says I don't know that one in

Chad: the middle has an unpleasant ethnic quality

Chad: which is the one genuine laugh of the movie

Chad: for me.

Chad: I couldn't tell if this movie was self

Chad: aware or just terrible, and after watching

Chad: it twice but I'm still not sure.

Chad: But I think it's just terrible.

Bo: Paul Bartell and Mary Warnoff wrote their

Bo: own dialogue for this movie.

Chad: That doesn't mean it's not racist.

Bo: They're both satirists to one degree or

Bo: another and they're kind of reprising the

Bo: roles from eating Raoul and those

Bo: characters are very aristocratic, racist,

Bo: close minded kinds of characters.

Bo: So I think it's just in keeping with that

Bo: character.

Bo: I don't think Paul Bartell actually

Bo: believes that.

Bo: You know, that robot had an unpleasant

Bo: ethnic quality.

Bo: I think he was just goofing.

Bo: I don't think that's directly racist.

Bo: But also, all these people are dead.

Chad: There's no way to know.

Chad: Doctor Stan Simon stands up and says so,

Chad: are there any questions?

Chad: And this one dude stands up and he says yes,

Chad: what do your machines do Besides kill

Chad: people?

Chad: I was like kill people what I judge jury

Chad: and executioner for some handsy kids at a

Chad: Spencer's gift.

Bo: But let me just stop you right there.

Bo: They don't kill, they just incapacitate.

Bo: They fire sleep darts or something.

Bo: They've got sleep darts, they've got the

Bo: tasers.

Bo: They've got laser beams that shoot out of

Bo: their faces Once they identify a suspect,

Bo: they alert the police.

Chad: Plus, getting into the mall now is almost

Chad: impossible because we have steel doors that

Chad: lock from midnight till dawn.

Chad: Come to think of it, the killbots are

Chad: unnecessary since we have those no steel

Chad: doors.

Chad: Forget that last thing I just said.

Chad: You're going to want the killbots.

Chad: You can't get the steel doors without the

Chad: killbots.

Chad: It's a package deal, pete.

Chad: That's how it works.

Bo: You're buying the killbots.

Bo: The steel doors come with the killbots.

Bo: You can't get the doors and no killbots.

Bo: That's the I say.

Bo: On the cake is Paul and.

Chad: Mary, the satirist from the racist side of

Chad: town he lanes in.

Chad: He's like maybe we could use one of the

Chad: restaurant.

Chad: Get rid of the people we don't like.

Chad: And I'm like, based on that ethnic quality

Chad: comment earlier, I know what kind of people

Chad: you're talking about.

Bo: Another guy in the crowd site how they got

Bo: to tell who's a good guy and who's a bad

Bo: guy over here.

Chad: And then Dr Stan Smith says I'm so glassed,

Chad: you asked total stranger who I've never met

Chad: before.

Chad: Wink, wink.

Chad: All employees have to do is show their name

Chad: badge and they won't be shot with sleep

Chad: darts or confused as mal debris or

Chad: electrocuted.

Chad: And then Dr Stan Smith calls the Kilbot

Chad: control room and he says bring Kilbot

Chad: number one online.

Chad: And Kilbot number one comes online and

Chad: scans Dr Stan Smith's badge and it says

Chad: thank you, have a nice day.

Chad: And then the guy in the audience goes yeah,

Chad: follow up question.

Chad: Well, what if the bad guys get another

Chad: employee's badge?

Chad: I mean, couldn't they just run around

Chad: causing all kinds of crimes and they just

Chad: flash somebody else's badge?

Chad: Unfortunately, I'm not taking any more

Chad: questions.

Bo: Don't worry, nothing could possibly go

Bo: wrong.

Bo: Possibly that's the first thing that's ever

Bo: gotten wrong.

Chad: And then we get the movie's title chopping

Chad: mall, and we get this montage of vintage

Chad: 80s mall culture with the opening credits,

Chad: which is arguably a waste of time, but it

Chad: does help to establish the footprint of

Chad: where this movie is taking place.

Chad: So, counselor, I will allow it, and he

Chad: gives us a little entertainment along the

Chad: way, because we start off, we see a kid go

Chad: into an elevator he's eating a big ice

Chad: cream cone and then a bunch of adults rush

Chad: in and the door is closed and they open and

Chad: the kids covered with chocolate ice cream

Chad: all over his face and shirt.

Chad: How or why did that happen?

Chad: I have no idea.

Bo: That's a pretty good gag.

Bo: We see a couple of kids making out on a

Bo: bench and this old couple see him and

Bo: they're like I don't have some of that.

Bo: And they start making out a little bit,

Bo: let's clarify old couple.

Chad: These people are in their 80s.

Bo: They're of the Koala Chlamydia age, where

Bo: they are in some kind of assisted living

Bo: facility that is just running wild with

Bo: syphilis right now.

Chad: They're doing a little like teeth swapping

Chad: yeah that's sexy.

Chad: We see a guy stealing about 50 LPs.

Chad: Those are large record albums for our

Chad: younger listeners and they're stuffed up

Chad: under his shirts.

Chad: It's obvious that he's stealing these and

Chad: he's wearing a button-up shirt.

Chad: I'm like this is a rookie mistake.

Bo: Yeah, that's not great.

Bo: Honestly, when CDs first came out, they put

Bo: them in the long sleeves.

Bo: That was a real anti-theft deterrent, I

Bo: mean for some people Chad.

Chad: Our friend Ben, who's probably stolen more

Chad: things than anybody I've ever known in my

Chad: lifetime.

Chad: Two things he stole that I was always

Chad: impressed with.

Chad: One was he went into a store that was

Chad: called TGNY.

Chad: It was a precursor to Walmart, like a local

Chad: five-in-dime chain.

Chad: He and another guy went into this TGNY,

Chad: went back to the sporting goods store and

Chad: just picked up a canoe and walked out with

Chad: it.

Chad: Wow, that is impressive, Thinking no one's

Chad: gonna stop me if I walk out with a canoe.

Chad: They're gonna think I paid for it.

Bo: And he was right.

Bo: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chad: And he lived probably close to a mile, and

Chad: they carried it back to his house.

Chad: Another fun fact he lived nowhere near a

Chad: body of water.

Bo: But he had a canoe.

Chad: He also stole full-body cow costume from a

Chad: Coach House gifts in a shopping mall by

Chad: stuffing it down his pants, which is

Chad: impressive.

Chad: And then he proceeded to put on that cow

Chad: costume, wear it to a high school football

Chad: game and jump down on the field, and what

Chad: the write-up report said from the vice

Chad: principal was that he was down on the field

Chad: simulating masturbation with cow outage.

Bo: Yeah, how do you nod, I don't know, when

Bo: you're milking yourself in a cow outfit.

Bo: I posed that question to you.

Bo: How do you not seem like you're

Bo: masturbating Any?

Chad: lawyer worth a nickel can say do you know

Chad: what masturbation is?

Chad: Yes, these are udders.

Chad: This isn't masturbation, right?

Chad: Sure, they look similar, but, sir, you need

Chad: to go spend a little bit of time with 4-H

Chad: Can you milk an udder and a penis?

Bo: Yes, the answer to that is clearly yes, but

Bo: just because the motions are the same does

Bo: not mean they achieve the same level of

Bo: inappropriateness in public or even

Bo: satisfaction.

Chad: You'll have to go ask the cow in the bull

Chad: to get that answer.

Chad: During this montage in the mall we do see a

Chad: kid in a video game arcade playing and then

Chad: this guy rolls up who's clearly a pedophile.

Chad: So the kid leaves and then the pervert

Chad: takes over playing the kid's game.

Chad: Which wasn't that an awesome opportunity

Chad: when you were in an arcade.

Chad: And then some kid's mom comes up.

Chad: You know, billy, we gotta go.

Chad: And then Billy leaves and you take over, or

Chad: a pedophile rolls up and scares the kid

Chad: away.

Bo: Yeah, but you get that full play.

Bo: Yeah, that was the best man.

Chad: Like hey, you want to take over my game?

Chad: Hell yeah, I will.

Bo: You just saved me 25 cents buddy Also,

Bo: there's a gag where a woman is navigating

Bo: the crowd at the food court with this tray

Bo: of food.

Chad: Yeah, How's that gonna end, Beau?

Bo: Oh, not good Chad.

Bo: We see a guy holding a bunch of boxes.

Bo: He dumps them on the escalator.

Bo: When he sees some babes with sashes and

Bo: bathing suits coming down the other side,

Bo: hey, you want to be in a movie.

Chad: You got a bikini.

Chad: Oh, you got high heels.

Chad: Tell me more.

Chad: Put on this sash.

Chad: You're gonna be in the movie.

Chad: All right, you know how to milk a cow.

Chad: You know how to milk a bull.

Bo: As we've discussed twice now on this show,

Bo: Jim Weynorski is a great A-Cream and I am

Bo: sure that your impression of this is far

Bo: closer to the truth than either of us would

Bo: care to do.

Chad: Yeah, and I just want to go on record and

Chad: say I was shocked at how reserved this

Chad: movie was with its creepiness Although no,

Chad: we'll get into it in a minute but the

Chad: majority of the nudity takes place in one

Chad: of the most strange environments, with all

Chad: types of comings and goings going on, pun

Chad: intended.

Bo: There's a real like polyamorous vibe to a

Bo: lot of this, so the woman navigating the

Bo: tray of food, like this whole bit, ends

Bo: with her just getting to the table and then

Bo: totally whipping it and dumping the food

Bo: all over somebody else at the table.

Bo: It's a real tin chocolate cream pies.

Chad: Whoa, if you get that reference, you're old.

Bo: As a wise man once said, there are as yet

Bo: undiscovered tribes in the Amazon.

Bo: Who could see that?

Chad: joke coming.

Chad: We get to a restaurant in the food court

Chad: where all of the walls are covered in cross

Chad: promotion of other terrible slasher and

Chad: sci-fi films.

Chad: One assumed that were produced by Roger

Chad: Corman or members of his family.

Chad: And here we meet two of our movie's four

Chad: female characters, Allison and Susie.

Chad: They are working as waitresses in this

Chad: restaurant.

Chad: Allison is our movie's final girl and Susie

Chad: was gonna call her the waitress.

Chad: To keep all of this straightened until they

Chad: one by one get killed.

Chad: I like how they're shouting out all that

Chad: make them up diner.

Chad: Speak to this fat chef who's working in an

Chad: open kitchen.

Chad: He looks like if chef by RD's life went

Chad: terribly wrong in every way.

Chad: He's openly smoking and he's wearing this

Chad: t-shirt that looks like a used diaper, Just

Chad: smeared with shit.

Bo: This was at a time when a short order cook

Bo: was expected to be smoking as he cooked, it

Bo: looked disgusting and unshaven and it is

Bo: the culinary embodiment of the line ah, you

Bo: can barely see dim nipples.

Bo: Like if you could take that line and shove

Bo: it into a cook's outfit.

Bo: It's this guy, it's this human being.

Chad: Allison drops a plate.

Chad: This gives both she and Susie a chance to

Chad: bend over and give us a little exposition

Chad: as they're cleaning up the mess.

Chad: And Susie says tonight's the night, you

Chad: gotta come to this party.

Chad: I set you up, this really cute guy.

Chad: And then chef boy RDUI shouts out hey, come

Chad: on, take the food.

Chad: The wallet's hot.

Chad: I'm not gonna go take out a break and do

Chad: the drugs and the walk in the cooler which

Chad: he does have a terrible Italian accent,

Chad: which was surprising.

Bo: And Susie, by the way, is warning Allison

Bo: about this fat customer that likes to get

Bo: handsy.

Bo: And the way she puts it is yeah, that orca

Bo: beaches here every week, which is wow that

Bo: is really rough.

Chad: The scene does end with him shouting out

Chad: more butter, Poor.

Bo: Allison.

Bo: It's up dropping a dish and that's where

Bo: Susie is, like I forget what chef boy RDUI

Bo: has to say.

Bo: You should come to this party that we're

Bo: gonna have.

Bo: We'll get to that.

Chad: The movie cuts to Kilbot control room where

Chad: some technician is just hanging out.

Chad: And then the movie cuts to the city skyline

Chad: where bolts of lightning are striking earth

Chad: with such force and frequency I thought we

Chad: were on some planet from the Dune series.

Chad: And then one of the bolts I mean it's like

Chad: kapow kapow one bolt strikes the mall and,

Chad: like Frankenstein, our monsters come to

Chad: life, but in this movie the monsters of the

Chad: Kilbots and they directly bypass that stage

Chad: of benevolent kindness and they just go

Chad: straight to murdering, rampage as part of

Chad: this particular narrative.

Bo: This is a storm equivalent to the one that

Bo: sets off the horrible, fine chain of events

Bo: in the movie Poltergeist.

Bo: It is lightning, and when everything is

Bo: going wrong Also the nerd here watching

Bo: over the Kilbots when the lightning hits

Bo: also smoking.

Chad: Yeah, because it was the 80s and that's

Chad: what you did in every movie and you looked

Chad: at pornography, because he's looking at a

Chad: playboy or penthouse or something and

Chad: unfolding it and he's giving it a va va, va

Chad: boom, and then one of the Kilbots just

Chad: comes over and, using its pincher claw,

Chad: kills this nerd technician.

Bo: It just goes right through the center fold

Bo: and grabs the guy by the throat question

Bo: mark.

Bo: When he falls down he's got a bloody neck,

Bo: but it's real unclear as to how this

Bo: particular murder happens.

Chad: I love how this movie doesn't give any real

Chad: reason as to why any of this is happening.

Chad: I mean, it's like in short circuit, the

Chad: robots got electrocuted and that's what

Chad: brings them to life.

Chad: This just jumps from A to Z so fast, Like

Chad: there's never a moment of well you know,

Chad: sir, if the Kilbots were to get a surge of

Chad: electricity, it could potentially cause

Chad: problems with their safety software.

Chad: Like none of that.

Chad: Like you're in a movie called Chopping Mall.

Chad: What do you think these idiots want to see?

Bo: No bullshit, Cut the credits, and even the

Bo: nerdlinger will get to in a little bit.

Bo: Ferdy, his character should be the one

Bo: that's like oh, I think I see what happened,

Bo: that lightning hit the antenna.

Bo: No, no, no, none of that.

Bo: Like you said, we're not fucking around

Bo: here.

Bo: The movie's called Chopping Mall.

Bo: Let's get to some chopping, chop, chop.

Chad: So we cut to our three male leads in this

Chad: movie who work in a store that's called

Chad: Furniture King and they sell housewares and,

Chad: as the name implies, furniture is a bunch

Chad: of couches and lamps and TVs and whatever

Chad: the film crew could scrounge up from the

Chad: local Goodwill store.

Bo: And yeah, you know this is a real Goodwill

Bo: kind of put together situation.

Chad: There's Mike, who's the douchebag of the

Chad: bunch, and then there's Greg I'm going to

Chad: call him the sensible one.

Chad: And then there's Ferdy, who's the nerdy one.

Chad: That's easy to remember, cause Ferdy rhymes

Chad: with nerdy and every male in this movie has

Chad: a female counterpart.

Chad: So Greg, the sensible one, he's paired with

Chad: Susie, the waitress from earlier.

Chad: Mike the douchebag is paired with Leslie,

Chad: the sexy one and I'm using that term

Chad: loosely and then Ferdy gets paired with

Chad: Allison, our final girl, and then later

Chad: we're going to meet Rick and Linda.

Chad: Now, none of that matters, but we are going

Chad: to try to keep it all straight, as the

Chad: killbots, one by one, murder these people.

Bo: They're giving Ferdy a little bit of grief

Bo: just because he's a nerdlinger and they're

Bo: like hey, we got some beer for the party,

Bo: but we need a place to have it and Ferdy,

Bo: our nerd because of you know, nerdy is like

Bo: geez guys, I don't know if we should host

Bo: the party in my store over here because,

Bo: hey, this is my uncle's store and I'm a for

Bo: a big promotion maybe.

Chad: But Ferdy doesn't even look like a nerd.

Chad: He's a handsome dude.

Chad: He's just wearing glasses and he's not

Chad: terribly tall, but there's nothing about

Chad: him that like you didn't have some white

Chad: tape that you could stick in the middle of

Chad: his glasses.

Chad: How is that not there?

Bo: More than that, Chad.

Bo: It's that we're going to take off the

Bo: glasses and suddenly we're dealing with a

Bo: hunk and a babe, and it's that in space

Bo: Like Ferdy is the most competent put

Bo: together person in the entire film and is

Bo: treated like he is the biggest doofus.

Bo: But that's also a very 80s kind of trope.

Bo: But they don't do it well here, well, no,

Bo: well, I mean you've shown me anything

Bo: that's done well in this movie.

Chad: Mike the douchebag says the fridge is full

Chad: of beer.

Chad: Rick and Linda bringing the food and we've

Chad: got clean sheets.

Chad: And I was like clean sheets, what's going

Chad: to you, oh God.

Chad: So then the movie cuts to our fourth couple,

Chad: the aforementioned Rick and Linda.

Chad: They are in a truck and the truck's on the

Chad: side of the road having car trouble and

Chad: they're on the way to the mall for this

Chad: party boat.

Chad: And this feels like a scene from what I

Chad: would classify as a in the woods camping

Chad: horror film.

Chad: But we're not.

Chad: We're in this urban California shopping

Chad: techno horror film.

Chad: Cause here, arguably, you're setting up why

Chad: the truck won't start later in our movie.

Chad: It's had a little trouble here, it won't

Chad: turn over later.

Chad: But here none of this matters.

Chad: It doesn't matter that they're in the truck,

Chad: doesn't matter that it won't turn over.

Bo: None of that, just have them show up at the

Bo: mall.

Bo: There is so much unnecessary backstory in

Bo: this scene.

Bo: Not only do we get the fact that the truck

Bo: is hard to start, we get the fact that

Bo: Linda is the one who fixes it, because

Bo: she's the really good mechanic Don't matter

Bo: later at all.

Bo: Right, they're married, but they have all

Bo: this money suck in the new business.

Chad: R and L automotive and the R and L are in a

Chad: heart.

Chad: That's cause they're in a heart.

Bo: Also don't matter.

Bo: The guy's kind of reluctant to go.

Bo: But then Linda shows him a little lingerie

Bo: that she was like.

Bo: Well, I guess I won't have anywhere to wear

Bo: this.

Bo: His eyes bug out like a cartoon wolf and he

Bo: puts the pedal to the metal to get to the

Bo: shopping mall.

Bo: But all of this stuff is completely

Bo: unnecessary to the film, yeah Just have

Bo: them show up at the mall.

Bo: Yeah, and one wonders if there is not some

Bo: version where the fact that she's a good

Bo: mechanic and he's not somehow it has

Bo: something to do with something when it

Bo: comes to this movie, but it never

Bo: materializes.

Bo: It's a real check-offs mechanic that

Bo: doesn't ever go off, I guess.

Chad: So Mike the douchebag goes into a women's

Chad: clothing store to check in with Leslie the

Chad: sexy one, and he sneaks up behind her and

Chad: just grabs her breast with both hands.

Chad: Oh sure, classy, typical Mike the douchebag.

Chad: And then Mike says, hey, I can't wait for

Chad: tonight.

Chad: And then these two just start violently

Chad: making out in the store.

Chad: She is an employee of this place and she's

Chad: just sticking her tongue down the throat of

Chad: this guy, not just an employee.

Bo: The employee of her father, who may

Bo: question, mark owned this clothing store.

Speaker 3: Because he just comes out and is like hmm,

Speaker 3: yeah, how about you leave a little room for

Speaker 3: the Holy Ghost?

Chad: Would you mind removing your hand from the

Chad: front of my daughter's Calvin Klein

Chad: dungarees?

Bo: Sorry Dad, I was just excited because we're

Bo: going to Susie's birthday party.

Speaker 3: Very good Lock up and I'll keep an eye on

Speaker 3: this riff-raff.

Bo: Allison's dad is on the phone with her at

Bo: the mall and why she has to call her dad to

Bo: say, hey, I'm thinking of going to this

Bo: party being held here at the mall for some

Bo: reason.

Chad: I thought all of these people are in their

Chad: mid to late 20s.

Bo: Oh, absolutely.

Bo: Everybody in this movie absolutely looks

Bo: like they are old enough to drive, vote and

Bo: be drafted.

Chad: Rent a car, possibly adopt another person.

Bo: In fact, for a while there I thought Susie

Bo: had adopted Allison.

Chad: Well, she gets off the phone with her dad

Chad: and she's like I love you, daddy.

Chad: And then the movie pans out and we see that

Chad: Allison and Susie are in a locker room

Chad: where they're changing clothes, and it also

Chad: appears that there are showers for the mall

Chad: employees to use.

Chad: But I worked in a couple of malls earlier

Chad: in my life.

Chad: This is 100% made up.

Chad: This does not exist in the real world of.

Chad: Maybe it's a fancy California mall.

Chad: I don't think so.

Chad: I think that the director was like anybody

Chad: want to be in a movie.

Chad: Take it top off, walk around over here.

Chad: We're in the shower scene at the mall, are

Chad: you sure I have to do?

Speaker 3: this, Mr Woodhouse.

Speaker 3: Hey, you know how to milk a cow.

Chad: You know how to milk a bull, you like to

Chad: ride escalators?

Chad: You like to ride anything else when you

Chad: going?

Chad: Hey, come back here, sweet cheeks.

Bo: Allison tells Susie hey, I'm going to go to

Bo: this party.

Bo: Of course Susie is very excited by this.

Bo: On their way out, susie borrows a bunch of

Bo: hairspray and makeup.

Bo: Then they head back inside the store

Bo: because they're going to the furniture

Bo: store in the mall.

Bo: I'm like, why go out in the first place?

Chad: We hear over the loudBo the mall will

Chad: be closing in 10 minutes.

Chad: And then outside there's more lightning

Chad: strikes.

Chad: Back inside, at the Kilbot Observatorium,

Chad: the night shift technician shows up to take

Chad: over for that guy who likes spank books and

Chad: is now dead, by the way.

Chad: What did the daytime tech do?

Chad: Because the Kilbots don't work during the

Chad: day?

Chad: Labor ain't cheap.

Chad: But fire that guy, Increase your margins.

Chad: Kilbot Incorporated.

Bo: It's just there to make sure that lightning

Bo: doesn't hit the panel.

Bo: Yes, so.

Chad: Uh-oh, the new guy comes in and the day

Chad: shift guy isn't there.

Chad: And the night tech is played by actor

Chad: Garrett Graham, who I know as the guy that

Chad: was terrified of red cars in the Kurt

Chad: Russell movie Used Cars, written and

Chad: directed by Robert Zemeckis and co-authored

Chad: by Bob Gale the two people who brought us

Chad: Back to the Future.

Chad: That's a pretty good movie.

Chad: You've never seen it.

Chad: I mean it ain't great, but it's pretty

Chad: funny.

Chad: You can see hints of Back to the Future in

Chad: the finale of that, like the race against

Chad: time and how it all comes together.

Chad: I was like I can see how they built on this

Chad: a little bit.

Bo: This same actor is also the titular bud in

Bo: Chud too, but the Chud.

Chad: He was the voice of Jay Sherman's nutty

Chad: adoptive father on the animated series the.

Chad: Critic he did a bunch of voice work.

Chad: He didn't just disappear into drugs and

Chad: alcohol and bull milk, not like I'm

Chad: planning to.

Chad: This other tech comes in and first techs.

Chad: Nowhere to be seen.

Chad: Did the Kilbots just clean up all of their

Chad: carnage and porn Again.

Bo: It's like the player character in the game

Bo: Hitman just dumping a body in the nearest

Bo: dumpster.

Chad: I'm like there's gonna be a lot of blood,

Chad: but maybe not.

Chad: Well, they have a vacuum attachment.

Chad: Tech number two sits down and starts

Chad: reading a book that appears not to be

Chad: pornography.

Chad: The book's title is it Came from Outer

Chad: Space, which, now that I think about it,

Chad: that could be erotic fiction?

Bo: I guess it could be.

Bo: You say it like that, wouldn't that be?

Bo: It Came in Outer.

Chad: Space, or on Outer Space or with Outer

Chad: Space.

Chad: There's a whole series in the it Came

Chad: series about.

Bo: Is there a box that I can buy so I could

Bo: just read it cover?

Chad: to cover.

Chad: There is, but if you're gonna get it, get

Chad: the illustrated version worth every penny.

Bo: They come pre-stuck together and with 3D

Bo: glasses.

Chad: Oh, that is handy.

Bo: So he hears the robot's power up but it

Bo: does a real like psychic out where he looks

Bo: over and he's like huh and they're all

Bo: powered down, and then he looks back and

Bo: they're dum, dum, dum, dum dum.

Bo: Yeah, and then the pincher comes out again

Bo: and the phone rings and the door closes,

Bo: and then, finally, the killbot fires this

Bo: like hook into the back of this dude's neck

Bo: and down goes, garrett Graham.

Bo: All right, yeah so long, but the chud.

Chad: We cut to the party over at Furniture King.

Chad: This whole place is about the size of a

Chad: high school classroom and all four of our

Chad: couples are just drinking Paps Blue Ribbon

Chad: out of the can, like you do.

Chad: There's a bunch of white guy dancing going

Chad: on to the song Street Walking by Sylvia St

Chad: James, the title music track to the movie

Chad: Street Walking about Times Square hookers

Chad: that came out in 1985.

Chad: And I thought are the four people in this

Chad: movie just jamming out to the soundtrack of

Chad: Street?

Bo: Walking.

Bo: A good song is a good song.

Bo: It doesn't matter where it came from.

Bo: If you could dance to it, it works.

Bo: Yeah, yeah, like Judgement Night isn't a

Bo: great movie, but the song Judgement Night

Bo: is fantastic.

Chad: Ferti's in the bathroom of this furniture

Chad: store, trying to look less nerdy or less

Chad: handsome, I couldn't tell.

Chad: He gives a breath check in the palm, like,

Chad: and he gives a little couple of

Chad: bonacoblasts to make his mouth ever fresh.

Chad: Then he heads out to find three of the four

Chad: couples drinking and making out.

Chad: And then Ferti gets thrust into the arms of

Chad: Allison, our final girl, and it's one of

Chad: those.

Chad: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you

Chad: are near and they're just.

Chad: They're looking at each other like I'm in

Chad: love.

Bo: Yeah, why died and everything.

Bo: And meanwhile back in the store proper they

Bo: turn around and Greg and Susie are totally

Bo: making out in front of God and everybody.

Bo: I am not a public display of affection kind

Bo: of person, as a Mm hmm, and certainly not

Bo: to this you know what?

Chad: buckle up.

Chad: It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Chad: We cut to the outside of the mall and the

Chad: killbots are just patrolling around.

Chad: The mall is now closed, and over at

Chad: furniture king, this party is really going

Chad: strong.

Chad: And killbot number one drives by but

Chad: doesn't do anything, and then killbot

Chad: number two comes online and starts to

Chad: patrol its level of the mall.

Chad: And then all the killbots are out and

Chad: they're rolling around in the mall, which,

Chad: by the way, this mall has carpet Gross.

Bo: Imagine how disgusting that is One of the

Bo: reasons they have the killbot, because, as

Bo: we saw with all the blood in the office,

Bo: they're also constantly vacuuming.

Chad: They're like the proto Roomba.

Bo: They're just Roomba's with a homicidal

Bo: intent.

Bo: Hold on.

Chad: Invention idea Tie a gun to the top of your

Chad: Roomba to protect your house and keep it

Chad: clean All right.

Bo: Quick note make movie called Roomba side

Bo: Termo.

Chad: Roomba no the.

Bo: Roomba nader, now Roomba with a view.

Bo: That's the more romantic one.

Bo: Roomba cop.

Bo: Roomba cop is not bad.

Bo: Hey Sleazebag, roomba, hey Sleazebag.

Bo: I'm stuck on this small wooden ledge

Bo: separating the hallway from the bathroom.

Bo: How about you?

Bo: Give a Roomba a hand, will you?

Bo: Can you fly Roomba?

Chad: We come back to furniture king, and things

Chad: have escalated quickly because Rick, you

Chad: know one of the two married people.

Chad: He's presumably just naked in a bed bow

Chad: that is for sale to people in this very

Chad: tiny furniture store, and his wife, Linda.

Chad: She sachets out wearing her panties and bra

Chad: combo.

Chad: Keep in mind, this furniture store doesn't

Chad: have separate room, it's just one big room

Chad: with furniture in it and the size of a

Chad: 7-Eleven.

Chad: And then Linda comes out, she leaps onto

Chad: Rick and then these two start grinding.

Chad: The camera just slowly pans over and here

Chad: are Greg and Susie who are on a couch.

Chad: That's just right over there, Bo, it's

Chad: right there.

Chad: Reach out your fingers, you can touch.

Chad: Greg says hey, you smell like pepperoni.

Chad: She's like why would you say that?

Chad: And he's like don't worry, I like pepperoni.

Chad: Let's get naked and have sex on this couch

Chad: that someone might buy tomorrow, While our

Chad: friends have sex over there on that bed

Chad: that someone also might buy tomorrow.

Bo: One of the weirdest moments in a movie

Bo: filled with a lot of weird little moments

Bo: is as Susie is stripping.

Bo: She starts humming some inappropriately

Bo: peppy tune as she is stripping.

Chad: I think she's humming Street Walking,

Chad: street Walking.

Chad: Sure probably, so Got to be home street,

Chad: street walking, then the camera keeps

Chad: panning.

Bo: Yes, let's keep going.

Bo: What else is happening?

Bo: And now Mike and Leslie are also on a

Bo: nearby couch with a sheet thrown over them

Bo: and they're getting into some uncomfortably

Bo: close fucking.

Chad: As the camera pans over, it goes past a box

Chad: of better cheddar snack crackers.

Chad: I was like, do they still make better

Chad: cheddar snack crackers?

Chad: Because our house is a Cheez-It's household,

Chad: we also certainly partake of goldfish brand

Chad: cheddar crackers as well, but not so much

Chad: the better cheddar crackers.

Bo: Oh look who's fancy, While we have goldfish

Bo: in our house we don't know anything about

Bo: better cheddar.

Chad: What does that say about me?

Chad: We're panning across these three couples in

Chad: various states of dress and sex and I'm

Chad: like, hey, is that better cheddar crackers?

Chad: They still make those.

Chad: Hold on, let me get an internet.

Chad: Well, they do.

Bo: I just not been looking.

Chad: Oh my God, no to self by better cheddar

Chad: crackers.

Bo: Yeah, sure that camera is uncomfortably

Bo: close to her nipples, but I've got

Bo: important information to sort out here

Bo: which is can I and, more to the point,

Bo: should I invest some time and money into

Bo: getting some better cheddars in my mouth?

Chad: Is that a can of melon flavored Hawaiian

Chad: punch in the background?

Chad: I believe it Do.

Chad: They make that?

Chad: They do, but you have to buy direct from

Chad: the manufacturer.

Bo: Oh my God, that's a 64 ounce bottle of Ecto

Bo: Cooler.

Bo: Hang on a second oh, oh wait, you can make

Bo: your own.

Bo: Guess who's having better cheddars and Ecto

Bo: Cooler this weekend?

Chad: The movie eventually pans over to Ferdy the

Chad: nerdy and Allison, our final girl, and

Chad: they're innocently watching the 1965 black

Chad: and white movie Attack of the Crab Monster,

Chad: which may or may not be an intentional

Chad: choice, as our three kill bots also have

Chad: pinchers on their hands, like crabs.

Bo: Chad.

Bo: Let me just say here is why it's an

Bo: appropriate choice.

Bo: Roger Corman owned it and it was free to

Bo: put it in the movie.

Chad: I was just trying to give credit where

Chad: credit wasn't due.

Chad: In this movie, something scary happens and

Chad: it causes Allison to jump into the arms of

Chad: Ferdy because she needs a big, strong man

Chad: to protect her.

Chad: And in the background you see a socially

Chad: distant orgy taking place.

Chad: These three other couples are full on

Chad: having sex in the background.

Bo: Absolutely.

Chad: Just think about how uncomfortable it is to

Chad: be in the real world, around people making

Chad: out, you know, like at a party or if you're

Chad: in a movie theater, like you've been

Chad: somewhere and you see like this is awkward.

Chad: Imagine that times three and they're having

Chad: sex Like that's insane.

Bo: I would be slowly pulling the sheet back to

Bo: reveal them in totem, Just to get a look

Bo: like hey, if you're going to be fucking

Bo: around me, I want to see the full.

Chad: I'm leaving.

Chad: I'm like I'm out of here.

Chad: I don't want the smells to start to mix.

Chad: I might throw up.

Chad: I've got my camera out.

Bo: My phone is recording this.

Bo: I'm arranging lights around them.

Bo: I'm going to turn this into a real, like

Bo: only fans kind of situation.

Chad: Ferdy offers Allison some wine and she's

Chad: like Ferdy, are you trying to get me drunk?

Chad: And Ferdy's like no, I just thought to a

Chad: nice girl like you might be thirsty.

Chad: You know this is my uncle's furniture store

Chad: and you know Greg set me up with you and

Chad: you know I wouldn't tell about this sex

Chad: orgy going on to anybody because I didn't

Chad: anticipate he'd set me up with someone as

Chad: pretty as you.

Chad: Please don't tell my uncle.

Chad: And orgy happened in this building.

Chad: And then in the background, one of these

Chad: women just starts having a very loud orgasm

Chad: like you do yes, or maybe it was one of the

Chad: guys who just really gets high pitched

Chad: whenever someone milks the bull.

Chad: Then Ferdy says hey, allison, maybe I

Chad: should take you home.

Chad: The mall's security gates are going to be

Chad: closing in about an hour.

Chad: And then the film cuts to the TV screen

Chad: where we see the finale of Attack of the

Chad: Crab Monster and the words the end, making

Chad: it the second time in this film that the

Chad: filmmakers gave us the viewing audience and

Chad: out to turn off this movie or leave the

Chad: theater and go about our more productive

Chad: lives.

Bo: But we didn't know.

Bo: And then we cut over chat to legendary B

Bo: movie sable, Dick Miller.

Chad: He was in Heart Beeps.

Chad: This is a heartbeaps reunion though it kind

Chad: of is.

Chad: You're right.

Chad: We got Crime Buster Junior and we got those

Chad: racist weirdos through a house party in

Chad: Heart Beeps and we got Dick Miller.

Bo: It's practically Heart Beeps too, and,

Bo: honestly, a hundred percent more

Bo: entertaining.

Bo: It's a prequel to Heart Beeps.

Bo: This is how that couple rose to prominence

Bo: and got that fancy house.

Chad: That's right, and it's also how they

Chad: recognize the robots.

Bo: That's it.

Chad: Dick Miller.

Chad: He's a janitor in this and he's mopping the

Chad: floor of the mall with a liquid that

Chad: appears to be spoiled chocolate milk.

Bo: Yes, some other janitors roll up on them

Bo: and they give him some shit about a thing.

Chad: They're drinking, bo, they're drinking

Chad: beers walking around the mall, I was like

Chad: is that what happens when the mall closed?

Chad: Then what happened when I worked at the

Chad: mall?

Chad: Just, people are having orgies in the

Chad: furniture store and the janitors walk

Chad: around.

Bo: Mold janitors are their own breed man.

Bo: They are the greasers of the mall just

Bo: living on by their own rules.

Bo: One time I was hanging out, you might have

Bo: been part of this.

Chad: I was hanging out with you, or our friend

Chad: Ben, the one who stole stuff all the time.

Chad: Somewhere I don't know where these came

Chad: from, but somebody had a handful of

Chad: pornographic magazines and we're like 16,

Chad: 17.

Chad: I was like what can we do with these?

Chad: It'd be pretty entertaining.

Chad: So we tore out the centerfolds from them

Chad: and we went to the mall I tell this story

Chad: because I feel sorry for the janitors who

Chad: had to take care of what's going to happen

Chad: and we went into the public bathrooms and

Chad: we took the centerfolds and we creased them

Chad: up the middle and set them up on the back

Chad: of the toilet.

Chad: Were you part of?

Bo: this shenanigan?

Bo: I don't think so.

Chad: And we set them up on the back of the

Chad: toilet.

Chad: But before we did all of that, we went into

Chad: the makeup section of a larger department

Chad: store and we filled up our hands with white

Chad: lotion and took it all in and then we

Chad: proceeded to just spider web this white

Chad: lotion all over these centerfolds in the

Chad: toilets, propped up and then left and just

Chad: laughed our asses.

Bo: It's funny, because like lotion really

Bo: looks.

Bo: Nothing like cum.

Bo: My.

Bo: God, maybe you're doing it wrong, I don't

Bo: know.

Bo: It's more red because of the blood Wait.

Chad: It's pink.

Bo: Right, it's got to kind of a pinkish frothy

Bo: quality.

Chad: And then, and you know what happened the

Chad: very next day, when I looked at the

Chad: headline of the local newspaper in our

Chad: hometown it read Bull milkers strike again

Chad: at local mall bull milkers terrorizing

Chad: society for the past 40 years.

Bo: The janitors are giving some shit about

Bo: getting locked in the mall overnight at one

Bo: point or something.

Bo: Yeah, again, it's like this tease of a

Bo: backstory that is unnecessary and not

Bo: filled in enough, so you're just left

Bo: wondering like so what happened to Dick

Bo: Miller.

Chad: He got locked in the mall and they had to

Chad: let him out the next day or something.

Chad: I don't know.

Bo: There's a whole movie that we just don't

Bo: ever see.

Bo: About this, it's like home alone.

Chad: just less entertaining, it's the draft

Chad: script of career opportunities involving

Chad: Dick Miller running around a mall screaming

Chad: hello, can you get me out of here?

Bo: I don't have my medication or the first

Bo: draft of die hard, like we have no idea it

Bo: could have been anything.

Bo: And he says, yeah, I'll be out of here at

Bo: 10 minutes, don't you worry about it.

Bo: And they're trucking off and he's just

Bo: seething and muttering to himself, as I

Bo: assume Dick Miller did a lot in real life.

Chad: And then a killbot rolls up, knocks over

Chad: the mop and bucket full of thick brown

Chad: liquid and the killbot says may I see your

Chad: identification badge please Like?

Chad: Oh, such polite killbots, your parents

Chad: would be so proud.

Chad: And then Dick Miller before he can show his

Chad: badge, the robot fires a wire into the mop

Chad: water and then it electrocutes Dick Miller

Chad: to death.

Bo: At first it just knocks the bucket over,

Bo: now he bumps.

Chad: He bumps into the bucket and then it fires

Chad: the electrodes Right.

Bo: So it kind of sets up the whole thing.

Bo: But before it fires the electrode, Dick

Bo: Miller is giving it some shit for like, oh,

Bo: you knocked over that bucket, Stupid robot

Bo: can't do nothing.

Bo: And then it fires the thing and just zaps

Bo: him and he collapses like smoke curling out

Bo: of his mouth, which leads to a visual gag

Bo: of Leslie back in the furniture fuck store

Bo: saying boy, I sure could use a smoke.

Chad: I guess I didn't catch that either time I

Chad: watch this, but I'm proud of myself for

Chad: saying that.

Chad: Mike the douchebag is then sent down to go

Chad: buy her some cigarettes from the vending

Chad: machine, but before he leaves, leslie says

Chad: oh, mike, hurry back.

Chad: And she pulls the covers down, exposing her

Chad: breast, which, by the way, during this

Chad: whole scene, mike the douchebag was topless

Chad: as well.

Chad: As I mentioned earlier, there's a lot of

Chad: nipples in this movie, you know.

Bo: I feel like they just got done fucking and

Bo: her just showing a breast.

Bo: Is it the inspiration that I think she

Bo: thinks?

Chad: it is.

Chad: I think he left because he didn't want to

Chad: sit there and listen to her.

Bo: Yeah, Well, and he tells her like hey,

Bo: there's a pack of camels by the register

Bo: and she's like you know, I only smoked

Bo: Virgin lights.

Bo: He's like, ah, Christ, all right.

Bo: So he grabs his badge, just in case he runs

Bo: into a kill, and he finds the cigarette

Bo: machine which, by the way, a buck 25 for a

Bo: pack of smokes in 1986, chad, that an eight

Bo: year old could purchase that a five year

Bo: old could purchase.

Bo: Nobody was looking, nobody cared.

Chad: Oh, those were the days, man I found a pack

Chad: of candy cigarettes in a store not too long

Chad: ago.

Chad: I bought them, gave me my kid smoke up.

Bo: He's like this looks terrible.

Bo: Well, how about these?

Bo: It's real cigarettes.

Bo: Try that.

Chad: He's by the cigarette machine and then a

Chad: payphone behind him rings and Mike answers

Chad: it and he says no, Jamal, there are no

Chad: messages for you.

Chad: And he hangs up and all I could think was

Chad: what was the other part of this

Chad: conversation?

Chad: Hi, this is Jamal.

Chad: Are there any messages for me?

Bo: Oh, thanks, Click another movie that is

Bo: happening outside the borders of the movie

Bo: we're watching that.

Bo: I am kind of curious about the Dick Miller

Bo: movie.

Chad: Whatever's going on with Kilbot control

Chad: room like a real Rosencrantz and

Chad: Guildenstern, like it's some sort of

Chad: anthology that's just dancing around the

Chad: fringes of this particular film.

Bo: Who is Jamal?

Bo: Why does he have this guy's number?

Bo: It's all told out of order.

Bo: Like Pulp Fiction, you just cut back to

Bo: John Travolta sitting on a toilet in the

Bo: mall bathroom.

Bo: You're like wait a second.

Bo: What's going on again?

Bo: I thought he was already dead.

Bo: Any of you fucking Kilbot smooth?

Bo: I'll accept it.

Bo: Cute.

Bo: Every last mother fucking one of you.

Chad: So after he hangs up the phone, a Kilbot

Chad: rolls up and says show me your

Chad: identification.

Chad: And Mike pulls out his ID and shows it to

Chad: the Kilbot and he says flat two correct and

Chad: not two.

Chad: And it's this jumbled reference to the day

Chad: the earth stood still.

Chad: And then the Kilbot just shoots Mike with a

Chad: sleeping dart.

Chad: It's real.

Chad: Oh, there comes the day.

Chad: And then out comes the claw.

Chad: So you're like oh, mike's eating it.

Chad: Leslie decides to get up and put on a shirt

Chad: and she walks out into the mall and she's

Chad: shouting out for Mike.

Chad: She's like Mike, mike, mike the douchebag,

Chad: are you there?

Chad: And then the movie cuts back to Ferdy the

Chad: Nerdy and Allison, our final girl, and

Chad: they're still on couch watching TV while

Chad: Rick and Linda continue to have sex in the

Chad: bed behind them.

Chad: And Ferdy's like what's up with these two?

Chad: All they do is fight and have sex.

Chad: Like when were they fighting?

Bo: Somewhere around the time that Vincent Vega

Bo: was taken.

Bo: Uma Thurman out on the date.

Chad: And then Allison says to Ferdy, thanks for

Chad: not trying to have sex with me, you're one

Chad: of the good ones.

Bo: No, I'm just homosexual, that's okay.

Bo: I feel like you don't know what that means.

Bo: Of course, you do you silly, so do you want

Bo: to blow job?

Bo: Or no, no, no, you don't understand I.

Bo: I'm just not attracted to women, because

Bo: I'm not attracted to women either.

Chad: We have a lot in common.

Bo: How about I just sit on your lap and wiggle

Bo: around and see what happens?

Bo: Nothing, nothing is going to happen.

Bo: You're silly.

Chad: Anyway, we come back to Leslie, who's going

Chad: to the cigarette machine and she's wearing

Chad: her Playboy Bunny brand panties with the

Chad: little Playboy Bunny ears on the ass.

Bo: She goes to the cigarette machine.

Bo: Doesn't see that Mike is just leaning

Bo: against the wall on the other side of said

Bo: cigarette machine?

Chad: Yeah, his legs are sticking out in the

Chad: light.

Bo: I mean, these are clearly Mike shaped legs

Bo: and finally she notices she's like oh my

Bo: God, Mike, and she pulls him forward and

Bo: she sees that his neck is slit and starts

Bo: pumping blood out.

Chad: She takes off running and in a killbot

Chad: shows up and gives chase, not even giving

Chad: her a chance to show her ID, and this

Chad: killbot bow starts firing pink Star Wars

Chad: brand laser beams at her, but it's Star

Chad: Wars stormtrooper level accuracy.

Bo: Well, it's moving, you know that's fair,

Bo: and so is she.

Chad: So, yeah, that's that's hard, but it does

Chad: shoot her in the ass, which is pretty down

Chad: she goes, but she makes it back to

Chad: Furniture King as all of her sex loving

Chad: peers look out the front window and bow.

Chad: What happens next.

Bo: This thing fires a laser beam at her head

Bo: and it explodes like a watermelon with an

Bo: M80 shoved in it.

Bo: It is pretty great.

Chad: It's like scanners, I mean yeah, when

Chad: you're watching this movie because nothing

Chad: like this has happened so far it kind of

Chad: feels like a modern day PG 13 film like, oh,

Chad: they're going to pull their punches in her

Chad: head, boom.

Bo: Just blows up.

Bo: It's pretty good.

Bo: And then we see another killbot coming down

Bo: the hallway and everybody in the furniture

Bo: store is freaking out.

Bo: They blast through the glass doors and just

Bo: start shooting up the place.

Chad: I like that the second killbot blasts blue

Chad: Star Wars brand laser beams and the first

Chad: one has pink colored Star Wars brand laser

Chad: beams when they're shooting them around.

Chad: That you could hire these killbots for a

Chad: gender reveal party, like, if they shoot a

Chad: pink laser and you kill somebody, it's a

Chad: girl.

Chad: If they shoot a blue laser and they kill

Chad: somebody, it's a boy.

Chad: Isn't that fun?

Bo: And it would be about as safe as your

Bo: regular gender reveal party.

Bo: We only had one exploding head in this

Bo: gender reveal party, not a wildfire that

Bo: displaced thousands.

Chad: I listened to a podcast called the Decoder

Chad: Ring and they tell the secret history of

Chad: things and why they happened.

Chad: And they did one on gender reveal parties

Chad: and it all started with a single patient

Chad: zero of a woman who made a cake and did a

Chad: gender reveal at her home and it was

Chad: published in this soon to be mommy magazine

Chad: that was subscribed to by pretty much every

Chad: obstetrician's office in America.

Chad: And they did this one little feature story

Chad: and because every mom to be read about it,

Chad: it just took off no pun intended like

Chad: wildfire.

Chad: And the interview with the woman she was

Chad: just like I regret ever doing that.

Chad: She's like this is all my fault, the more

Chad: you know.

Bo: Sort of like the guy who invented the

Bo: shopping mall of like.

Bo: I unreservedly reject the fact that I

Bo: invented this.

Bo: I fucked up.

Bo: I am so sorry.

Bo: Yes, my bad.

Bo: I was trying to do something good and I

Bo: fucked up.

Bo: Isn't that how most things go?

Bo: That is the title of my autobiography.

Bo: I was trying to do the right thing and I

Bo: fucked up.

Bo: I was telling a kid today at school because

Bo: I mold young mindshad.

Bo: They were like man, I keep trying to do

Bo: good and I always get my own way.

Bo: First of all, that's good self-awareness.

Bo: Second of all, welcome to life where you're

Bo: just constantly trying to do the right

Bo: thing and do good and you just end up

Bo: fucking it up for yourself.

Bo: I mean, I put it slightly less profane than

Bo: that.

Bo: But I told him like hey, that is 100% the

Bo: rest of your days.

Bo: Get used to that feeling.

Chad: Back in our movie the Killbots.

Chad: They blast through the front doors of

Chad: furniture King and everybody.

Chad: Inside are remaining six living humans.

Chad: They all rush to the back room.

Chad: It appears that they're safe for a moment,

Chad: and then Ferdy tries to call for help.

Chad: But doesn't he know that phones don't work

Chad: in horror movies?

Chad: No, that's not going to happen.

Chad: So then suddenly it's midnight and the

Chad: whole mall goes on lockdown as the metal

Chad: doors closed on this facility.

Chad: And I thought I can end this movie right

Chad: now.

Chad: Just start pulling fire alarms.

Bo: That's a great idea, and you're done.

Chad: The phones don't work.

Chad: Yeah, keep pulling fire alarms.

Bo: They'll show up, but instead Chad.

Bo: What happens is that Allison is like hey,

Bo: how about we all get up in this air duct?

Bo: And the plan is, chad, we're going to climb

Bo: through the air ducts, take that to the

Bo: parking level and get in the cars and get

Bo: out of there, which isn't the worst idea or

Bo: fire alarms.

Chad: But are the fire alarms in the air duct?

Chad: We'll go find them All right, have at it,

Chad: ladies.

Bo: Also the kill box shed, who are outfitted

Bo: with some sort of plastic explosive.

Bo: Yes are about to blow open the door.

Bo: Apparently, that's just a bonus you get if

Bo: you order three.

Bo: Yeah, you also get the plastic explosives.

Bo: You got the security door.

Chad: You got the three kill box.

Chad: Now you got an option.

Chad: Do you want different colored lasers?

Chad: No upcharge.

Chad: Yes, pink and blue.

Chad: Got it All right.

Chad: Now another question Do you want focused

Chad: laser functionality, a lot like what you

Chad: see in your supermans that have?

Chad: That's a yes.

Chad: With that you're also going to get the

Chad: plastic explosive squirts.

Chad: A tiny little of dollop, kind of looks like

Chad: somebody milked a bull.

Chad: Then they fill it up with a long wire,

Chad: knocks down a door.

Bo: Aren't they try to prevent doors from being

Bo: knocked down?

Bo: And you're viewing this the wrong way.

Chad: A criminal taken off the streets is a

Chad: criminal that is not on the streets.

Chad: They're not called kill bots on accident.

Chad: We sell them is that?

Chad: They're just going to patrol and call the

Chad: cops?

Chad: They're going to murder everybody.

Bo: I don't know why I would want it, then why

Bo: wouldn't you?

Chad: want it.

Bo: Because we have just regular people come to

Bo: the mall, have you ever seen someone killed

Bo: in front of you?

Chad: and then you get a murder boner.

Chad: It's the greatest feeling in the world.

Bo: I love other brochure.

Bo: They've got bullet points of why you should

Bo: pop these killbots, additional security

Bo: security doors if you buy two multicolored

Bo: lasers murder psychological aphrodisiac.

Chad: What does that mean?

Chad: Oh, you'll find out, buddy.

Chad: You want these things in action.

Chad: Man, it's going to be high noon.

Chad: You know what I'm saying.

Bo: Oh my God, I love it so much.

Chad: It's also crazy how close we are to the end

Chad: of this movie.

Chad: It's almost over.

Bo: So the guys end up having to run while the

Bo: girls are in the ducks because the killbots

Bo: blow their way into the place.

Chad: Jesus, it's the killbots.

Bo: Feets don't fail me now and the girls are

Bo: starting to really sweat it out in the

Bo: vents and Suzy is having a good old

Bo: fashioned freak out in there.

Bo: Where he's like oh my God, my boyfriend

Bo: needs me.

Bo: And they're like Suzy, what the fuck are

Bo: you talking about?

Bo: We're almost out of here.

Bo: All we got to do is keep going and we're

Bo: going to get out of here.

Bo: Oh man, those robots must turn on the heat.

Bo: They know we're in here.

Bo: Yeah, Suzy, shut the fuck up, William.

Chad: Chill out, baby, chill out, all right, be

Chad: cool, be cool.

Chad: Be cool like Fonzie.

Chad: What's Fonzie?

Bo: like Suzy.

Bo: Cool correct.

Bo: A.

Bo: Mundo.

Bo: Meanwhile, the guys are hoofing it to Peck

Bo: and Paw Sporting Goods.

Bo: I get it for guns.

Chad: See Heston Second Amendment.

Bo: Emporium Right Hunter S Thompson shopping

Bo: mall.

Chad: It's very subtle and so they end up having

Chad: to bust the glass to get in in this place

Chad: is just ceiling to floor with automatic

Chad: weapons and shotguns, ammunition all open

Chad: to the public, like you can just take it

Chad: off the shelf, load it up and start

Chad: murdering people.

Chad: Like from a modern perspective, it is

Chad: shocking that there are this many guns and

Chad: bullets.

Chad: But what's even more shocking is this was

Chad: probably pretty accurate.

Bo: Absolutely.

Bo: I also like the fact that there are several

Bo: propane tanks that you can use, because you

Bo: know why would you want a gun without an

Bo: explosive of some kind?

Chad: This feels like a level of from Left 4 Dead

Chad: 2.

Chad: Yes, you know, chopping mall like oh, I get

Chad: it.

Chad: So it's zombies and robots Interesting.

Bo: And so Rick is like we're going to send

Bo: those fuckers a Rambo Graham.

Bo: And you're like, oh right, 80s, Of course

Bo: everybody had a Rambo joke.

Chad: How awesome would it be to get a Rambo

Chad: Graham when?

Speaker 3: he's like I heard it was your birthday,

Speaker 3: another day older.

Speaker 3: I want you to know that death is coming and

Speaker 3: there's nothing you can do.

Speaker 3: Maybe you're wondering do you get to win

Speaker 3: this time?

Speaker 3: Yeah, they drew first, but will you get to

Speaker 3: win this time?

Speaker 3: Happy birthday, jeanette.

Bo: All right, do you get to make a wish this

Bo: time?

Bo: Yeah, you do, because it's your birthday.

Speaker 3: Let's just remember to survive a birthday.

Speaker 3: You got to become a birthday.

Speaker 3: I don't know what that means, but a happy

Speaker 3: birthday, deborah, all right.

Bo: Then Richard Crita shows up in the corner.

Bo: He's a birthday machine.

Bo: We made him that way.

Chad: You ever go to cameo and look at how much

Chad: celebrities are hawking their whatever

Chad: broader personality and voice and whatever

Chad: to people?

Chad: Not one time Chad.

Chad: It's an awesome game.

Chad: You got to go in, get somebody you know and

Chad: love and you just start throwing out names

Chad: and figuring out how much they charge for a

Chad: cameo.

Bo: Although I've never been on the website

Bo: cameo once, and I'm not.

Bo: That's not saying that there's anything

Bo: wrong with it.

Bo: I should.

Bo: I just never have.

Bo: But someone I know got a cameo from the

Bo: kids in the halls Kevin McDonald, uh-huh,

Bo: and it was fucking epic.

Bo: Kevin McDonald went all in on it.

Bo: It wasn't just a I'm going through the

Bo: motions, he went full Kevin McDonald on it

Bo: and it was a thing of beauty.

Chad: But you're recording like a minute.

Chad: Oh here, all right, right now ready.

Chad: Dean Norris from Breaking Bad Uh-huh.

Chad: How much is he charging for a cameo?

Chad: Do you think a hundred bucks, 200 bucks?

Chad: Okay, all right.

Chad: John O'Hurley from Seinfeld and some game

Chad: shows and, I'm sure, something else.

Bo: What's he charged?

Bo: Oh okay, All right.

Bo: John O'Hurley 150 bucks, 200 bucks.

Chad: Fred Stoller.

Chad: Remember Fred Stoller, the state of

Chad: comedian.

Chad: What's he charging?

Bo: 250, 35 bucks.

Bo: What you can't afford.

Bo: Not to get a cameo from Fred Stoller at

Bo: those prices.

Chad: It is one of the best games ever to go

Chad: through and just look at these people and

Chad: to see like who is so not desperate for

Chad: cash.

Chad: I get it Like this is doing Comic-cons

Chad: without having to go anywhere.

Chad: Joel McHale 250 bucks is the going rate

Chad: right now.

Chad: What?

Chad: Yeah, that's not terrible.

Chad: The guy who played one of those twins,

Chad: lewis Moncada I don't know which one of the

Chad: twins he was he's a hundred bucks to wish

Chad: people a happy birthday.

Chad: Dave Foley is charging a hundred bucks from

Chad: the kids in the hall.

Chad: I saw him do one where he did the full

Chad: soliloquy of being the worst doctor in the

Chad: world.

Chad: That's fantastic.

Chad: When I search for Dave Foley, mick Foley,

Chad: professional wrestler, came up.

Chad: His is a hundred and forty nine bucks.

Chad: It's crazy man.

Chad: It's a blast to go through and play.

Chad: Who costs more this person?

Chad: That person Is Henry Rollins on there.

Bo: There's no way but hold on.

Bo: No, all right, that makes sense.

Bo: I don't know why he would ever do that, but

Bo: I would also love I can't imagine that he

Bo: would do it.

Chad: The most expensive cameos that are out

Chad: there right now Kevin O'Leary, the guy from

Chad: Shark Tank.

Chad: He wants $1,500.

Bo: Oh go fuck yourself, Okay yeah.

Chad: He took the words out of my mouth on that.

Chad: There's a bunch of iced tea.

Chad: He wants 600 bucks.

Chad: Nope, robert England, 500 bucks.

Bo: I get that one.

Chad: Don Johnson 500 bucks.

Chad: No, it's crazy man, but the bad thing is is

Chad: that once you go to cameo and you noodle

Chad: around for a little bit, all of your social

Chad: media and targeted advertising across

Chad: websites is going to be 100 percent cameo

Chad: for the next six months.

Bo: Yeah, that's fine, you're going to use that

Bo: money on bullshit anyway.

Bo: Why not get Eric Roberts to tell you what a

Bo: good job you're doing?

Bo: That's why I need Kevin McDonald is I just

Bo: need Kevin McDonald to give me a pep talk,

Bo: and whatever he's charging, it ain't enough.

Bo: And then every time I'm feeling a little

Bo: blue, chad right, you know, you're an evil.

Chad: Evil Y boy right or just like.

Chad: Hey man, I know you've had a really rough

Chad: time your illness and your family having

Chad: financial problems but I got you a two

Chad: minute video recording of Ernie Hudson

Chad: doling out some pearls of wisdom.

Bo: Great, great.

Bo: He's the best Ghostbuster, but he didn't do

Bo: nothing.

Bo: But he's still Ghostbuster.

Bo: Let's finish this.

Chad: Oh yeah, yeah.

Chad: They're all strapped up with guns and ammo.

Chad: They've got like crisscross ammunition on

Chad: their chest.

Chad: It's all ridiculous.

Bo: Just firing bullets wildly into the air,

Bo: chad.

Bo: That's how they draw the attention of the

Bo: killbots.

Bo: And sure enough, one comes around the

Bo: corner and they get in a good old fashioned

Bo: gunfight.

Bo: Where it's shooting lasers, they're

Bo: shooting bullets.

Chad: The bullets don't really have much of an

Chad: effect.

Bo: They throw a propane tank at it, yeah, and

Bo: then they shoot that and the thing goes up

Bo: like a Roman fucking candle, yeah, and

Bo: you're like, oh, that's one down, two to go,

Bo: but don't get so confident.

Bo: But first we got to cut back to the beds,

Bo: where Susie is still freaking out is like

Bo: Greg needs me and they're like Susie, would

Bo: you shut?

Chad: the fuck up.

Chad: That's it, I'm leaving.

Chad: And so she just kicks through an air vent

Chad: and drops down into one of the stores, and

Chad: Allison and Linda they follow suit.

Bo: It turns out they're in a Sherman Williams,

Bo: I'm guessing paint store, and then the guys

Bo: decide, hey, we need to go get somewhere

Bo: those propane tanks that worked pretty good,

Bo: we need some propane or some butans.

Bo: One of them and Greg's like wait, I've got

Bo: an awful, evil, wonderful idea.

Bo: While he's taken off, susie is determined

Bo: to go find the guys and the girls decided

Bo: like well, we're going to arm up to yeah.

Bo: And so they're grabbing anything that they

Bo: can use for a weapon.

Bo: And then you see Chad, one of the kill bots,

Bo: just kind of backs into this little alcove

Bo: and powers down like he, he, he, they'll

Bo: never.

Bo: So while that thing's hiding, the guys are

Bo: trying to pry open this elevator.

Chad: Yeah, it's a stuck elevator.

Chad: I'm like what's your plan here?

Chad: To get inside and be trapped?

Bo: We'll get to that.

Bo: And then nerdy Ferdy is like hey guys, do

Bo: you think that the kill bots can read our

Bo: minds?

Bo: And they're like what?

Bo: No, what are you talking about?

Bo: He's like I don't know.

Bo: I guess they could just do lots of stuff,

Bo: and I was wondering if they could do that

Bo: too.

Bo: But you just shut up.

Bo: You're not helping anything.

Bo: Linda then shows them how to make some

Bo: Molotov cocktails out of gas containers and

Bo: rags, which seems self-evident to me, but

Bo: everyone seems real surprised.

Bo: Like a combination of gasoline and rags.

Chad: Huh, I like that these gas cans are full of

Chad: gasoline and on the store shelf of a mall,

Chad: yeah Well this is the same.

Bo: All that has like fully armed M16s and

Bo: explosives.

Bo: Allison stashes a road flare down her shirt

Bo: in the midst of all this, which will come

Bo: into play later.

Chad: At least the movie's phoning that in and I

Chad: was like what is the name of this store?

Chad: Like Pyromaniacs are us, yeah.

Chad: And when she tucks it into her bra you're

Chad: like, oh OK, I get it, we're going to.

Chad: And I just want to say this reminded me a

Chad: little bit of that first toy story, but I

Chad: absolutely adore that movie.

Chad: And when Woody takes the matchstick and

Chad: puts it into his pistol holster and you're

Chad: like, oh, he's going to use it at the end

Chad: of the movie.

Chad: And when he strikes it to light, that

Chad: rocket and that car immediately blows it

Chad: out.

Chad: It's such great writing, it's such a head

Chad: fake to lead you down this alleyway and

Chad: then to just sucker punch you in a

Chad: direction you don't see coming.

Chad: I adore that.

Chad: It's pretty good, original toy story, good

Chad: movie and I will happily debate that.

Chad: I think Toy Story 2 is a superior film.

Bo: Hmm, it's good, it's good.

Bo: I think the whole original trilogy is quite

Bo: good.

Chad: I saw that fourth one.

Chad: I don't remember anything about it.

Bo: As far as I'm concerned, Toy Story ends

Bo: with all of those toys holding hands and

Bo: writing that shoot down into hell.

Bo: That is where the movie ends for me.

Bo: I stop it right there.

Chad: You just turned it off and you're like well,

Chad: there we go.

Bo: That is the end of the toys, and a fitting

Bo: end.

Bo: They all told each other how they felt

Bo: about each other.

Bo: They had some closure in their

Bo: relationships and then they all died, and

Bo: that's fine.

Chad: My son came to me and asked me what would

Chad: happen if you left a crucifix with the Toy

Chad: Story toys.

Chad: I was like I don't know.

Bo: That's interesting.

Bo: You're going to walk in and it's going to

Bo: be upside down.

Bo: That's for begin season.

Chad: I'm sure he read these online.

Chad: He came to me and he said if one of the Toy

Chad: Story toys died, and then Andy comes in,

Chad: like is he just playing with a corpse?

Chad: Like do they get rid of it?

Chad: You're all about valid questions.

Chad: I like where his head's at and you know

Chad: what.

Chad: Like father likes son, what happens if you

Chad: take one of those real dolls and throw it

Chad: in the Toy Story?

Bo: room.

Bo: Well, it's a pregnant.

Chad: It has a Mr Potato Head son I read a story

Chad: on the internet the other day about this

Chad: guy who came into a house and he was an EMT

Chad: or something like that, because a dude had

Chad: died in the house and they took out his

Chad: corpse because they knew he was dead

Chad: because of the stink, I'm sure.

Chad: But then the guy who was the EMT or the

Chad: cleaner or whatever, he eyed a real doll in

Chad: the house and he got arrested trying to

Chad: break into the house not once but twice to

Chad: steal this real doll.

Chad: And he did steal it and I'm sure he had sex

Chad: with it.

Chad: But I was like you know what.

Chad: He came up with a plan and he executed on

Chad: it.

Chad: Good for you, perverted weirdo.

Bo: Oh, back in the movie Chad, the kill-bot

Bo: that we thought was blowed up.

Bo: Not blew it up at all, it just gets itself

Bo: back up and is like, oh boy, that sucked.

Bo: Where are those punks?

Chad: It's like every car in Grand Theft Auto

Chad: Just wiggle your stick left and right and

Chad: suddenly we went from being flipped over to

Chad: back on our wheels.

Bo: Ferdy the nerd ends up wiring the elevator

Bo: to work while Greg and Rick are making more

Bo: bombs from these propane tanks.

Bo: But even though he's got it working, he

Bo: can't get it to go up or down, but he can

Bo: open and close the doors of the elevator,

Bo: which seems like a real half measure to me.

Chad: Sure, that's not what we need it to do, but

Chad: go on.

Bo: The girls are going to find the guys and

Bo: the kill-bot that was hiding out,

Bo: hee-hee-hee, comes out of the alcove.

Bo: Susie screams and it goes chasing after her.

Bo: The guys hear this, but while they're

Bo: coming to see what the ruckus is, allison

Bo: tosses one of her Molotov cocktails, but

Bo: the robot just drives through and starts

Bo: firing its lasers again, and so the guys

Bo: are kind of chasing after the sounds of the

Bo: screams, and then Susie falls and, rather

Bo: than even remotely attempt to get up right,

Bo: just lies there and is like no, no, please

Bo: don't shoot the gas can in my hand, which

Bo: is, of course, exactly what the kill-bot

Bo: does, yeah.

Bo: And then Susie is mysteriously replaced by

Bo: a stuntman on fire, yes, who tries to get

Bo: up, and it's kind of gruesome, though, like

Bo: the fact that you see ostensibly Susie,

Bo: although this looks nothing like Susie.

Chad: It's like a 250 pound man who's working for

Chad: scale and a sandwich.

Bo: It's like me in a burn suit.

Bo: Just like slowly get up like oh Christ.

Bo: Oh boy my back will help here.

Bo: We're knocking off for lunch, after this

Bo: right, the cupcakes for anybody.

Bo: Were you concerned that?

Chad: the mall is now on fire.

Chad: I mean, earlier I was talking about pulling

Chad: fire alarms for funsies and to keep you

Chad: alive.

Chad: Here there is a full blown ring of fire six

Chad: to 10 feet across, burning this carpet that

Chad: is completely made of combustible materials

Chad: and a burning corpse beside it.

Bo: Well, I wasn't as worried because ground

Bo: chewing gum just shoved into a carpet

Bo: doesn't burn.

Bo: It's actually flame retardant and so, given

Bo: the amount of just trash and gum and snot

Bo: and semen like all just soaked into this

Bo: carpet, it's not going to burn for long,

Bo: it's going to burn itself out pretty fast.

Chad: For what it's worth it's flame.

Chad: Special needs.

Chad: Oh, I'm sorry.

Chad: Please try to keep up with the times.

Bo: Right, I come from a different generation,

Bo: chad.

Bo: You're right.

Bo: You're right and honestly, I'm glad you

Bo: said something because I want to learn, I

Bo: want to be better.

Chad: I know you do.

Chad: I know you're always working on you,

Chad: because if you're not working on you, how

Chad: are you going to be able to help other

Chad: people work on themselves?

Chad: 100% yeah.

Chad: What are we talking about here?

Bo: Oh, yeah, so now we're down to five.

Bo: Susie dies horribly.

Bo: As far as deaths in this movie go, it's the

Bo: head kidding blown off, mm.

Bo: Hmm, but that's quick.

Bo: This one's slower because you hear

Bo: screaming for a while and it's pretty

Bo: gruesome, and the guys show up, pop off

Bo: some shots and then they finally just start

Bo: running again because the killbots are just

Bo: firing lasers left and right.

Chad: But they do.

Chad: 80s action hero running gun style.

Chad: Yeah, like it's run, run, run, run and then

Chad: turn around like with one arm and like

Chad: Right.

Bo: Yeah, linda, ferdy and Allison are on the

Bo: second level and they lure one of the

Bo: killbots chasing them into the elevator,

Bo: which the guys end up closing the doors

Bo: using their wiring rig, and then Rick pumps

Bo: the elevator with propane, leaps to the

Bo: second floor and the folks on the top floor

Bo: start shooting, but it's Allison who ends

Bo: up having to like, give me that with one of

Bo: the guns.

Bo: Yeah.

Bo: And shoots the tank, which explodes,

Bo: sending it hurtling the elevator as a whole,

Bo: hurtling down the shaft and, one presumes,

Bo: killing the killbot or at least putting it

Bo: in the garage.

Chad: Right or on a level that doesn't have an

Chad: escalator, can ride up stairs.

Chad: The kryptonite of killbots.

Bo: Everyone looks at Allison.

Bo: She's like my dad's Marine what do you want

Bo: me to say?

Bo: And they're like I don't know, but that

Bo: sounds like another movie I would like to

Bo: see, based on half uttered phrases in this

Bo: movie that allude to something more

Bo: interesting outside the frame.

Chad: The team goes back to the restaurant where

Chad: Allison and the late smoldering Susie were,

Chad: where Susie used to work, and Greg is

Chad: drinking another beer, trying to forget the

Chad: smell of his one true love melting into

Chad: that carpet.

Chad: And then Rick and Linda they're at a table

Chad: contemplating life and Linda says according

Chad: to my calculations, provided we survive the

Chad: night, we're going to be in hack to this

Chad: place for the next 85 years.

Chad: Does Linda think they're going to have to

Chad: pay for all the damage they've done?

Bo: What a dummy Rick says well, we're going to

Bo: have to raise our rates and all of this

Bo: makes no sense.

Bo: Like the mall is on the hook to you.

Chad: Right.

Bo: Like you are the one who is about to get a

Bo: really sweet payday.

Bo: Like, if you can survive the killbots, you

Bo: are never going to work another day in your

Bo: life.

Chad: Greg, who's a little drunk.

Chad: He's like why did you leave the air vents?

Chad: You're safe there.

Chad: And Allison's like whoa, whoa, whoa.

Chad: Gregorino, this was Susie's idea to leave.

Chad: Plus, she kept filling up the air vents

Chad: with her post sex farts.

Chad: She told me that she holds them in when you

Chad: do do it and she lets them out afterwards

Chad: and they're rancid.

Chad: She once told me her sex farts made her

Chad: throw up.

Bo: It smelled like eggs, but not real eggs

Bo: like those egg products that some people

Bo: use.

Bo: That's what it smelled like only rotten.

Chad: I know what they smell like.

Chad: She thought she was hiding under the covers,

Chad: but I can always smell it.

Bo: And also it was her dumb idea to come out

Bo: of the vids of the first place.

Bo: Greg, we would be in the parking lot and

Bo: away from here with the police on the way,

Bo: if it weren't for Susie freaking out dummy

Bo: because of you, greg 30 times in.

Chad: Hey guys, wait a minute.

Chad: The master computer is on the third level.

Chad: If we shut that down, it'll shut down the

Chad: killbots, according to the screenplay.

Chad: And then Greg, he's all licked up and he's

Chad: like a computer.

Chad: Let's go crash the fucker worth pointing

Chad: out.

Bo: They only think there's one killbot left

Bo: because they're not aware that the second

Bo: one has gotten up yet.

Chad: I'm glad you brought that up, because that

Chad: doesn't matter, doesn't?

Chad: It's not like they kill the next one.

Chad: They're like shoot, we're safe.

Chad: And then another one shows up, just two

Chad: more show up, and they're like well, how

Chad: about this?

Chad: They don't know that there are three total,

Chad: maybe there's, maybe there's 25.

Bo: Yeah, well, maybe because, chad, they saw

Bo: the colored lasers, they were like, okay,

Bo: they bought three because that's the three

Bo: package, right, and also I saw Dick Miller

Bo: with a murder boner.

Bo: So it's definitely the three killbot

Bo: package.

Chad: So the four remaining characters?

Chad: Is it four or five?

Chad: What do we have?

Bo: It was Greg Ferdy Allison and then Linda

Bo: and Rick.

Bo: Yeah, it is five, you're right.

Chad: They take off running through the mall and

Chad: the killbots give chase.

Chad: The team goes and hides in a women's

Chad: clothing store that has a metal door that

Chad: comes down like it's some Czech cashing

Chad: place in a questionable neighborhood.

Chad: And then the killbots start using their

Chad: Superman laser beams to cut through the

Chad: metal.

Chad: And then our final characters they're

Chad: inside arguing over whether or not they

Chad: should split up, which they probably

Chad: shouldn't.

Chad: But then they all immediately apologize and

Chad: say you know what, guys, it's been a

Chad: stressful day, with all the drinking and

Chad: exhibition, is sex, and now the killbots.

Chad: Plus, we saw one of our friends set on fire

Chad: and another friend bounced off the ground.

Chad: Oh wait, was Greg still alive?

Chad: No, greg gets knocked off the ledge by a

Chad: killbot and he got off the ground.

Chad: That's right.

Chad: So Greg's gone and he leaves the movie

Chad: pretty quick, as noted by the fact that I

Chad: just forgot that it happened.

Bo: So Kelly gets hit in the arm also by a

Bo: laser before they bring the shuttered out.

Bo: Yeah, you're right.

Chad: Are they wondering where Mike and Leslie

Chad: are at all?

Chad: Are they just assuming that they're dead?

Chad: They saw Leslie's head explode, but they

Chad: don't know where Mike is.

Bo: I guess they assume that Mike died in the

Bo: first place, or maybe they just don't care

Bo: for Mike very much.

Chad: I could see that Mike is a real douchebag.

Bo: Maybe he's alive, maybe he ain't.

Bo: Regardless, not our problem.

Chad: The killbots cut through the door of the

Chad: women's clothing shop and before they fully

Chad: enter, allison says if the killbots want

Chad: target practice, let's give them some

Chad: targets.

Chad: And she nods her head over to some

Chad: mannequins.

Chad: We cut to a bunch of mannequins that have

Chad: been set up as decoys, while the fellas are

Chad: just firing their guns at the killbots as

Chad: cover, and the killbots apparently cannot

Chad: discern between mannequin and man.

Chad: And apparently their laser beams bounce off

Chad: mirrors because one of the blue lasers

Chad: ricochets back and shoots one of the

Chad: killbots, making it go all higgledy

Chad: piggledy.

Chad: And then the killbots start spinning around

Chad: and firing laser beams all over the place.

Chad: And one of these shots hits Linda.

Chad: Down goes Linda Mike is she dead or alive,

Chad: who knows?

Chad: And then Rick's like Linda, my wife and

Chad: business partner, who wears sexy lingerie,

Chad: you bastard.

Chad: And then he jumps on this tiny little

Chad: service cart and goes at like top speed of

Chad: seven miles per hour and crashes into the

Chad: killbot and it explodes.

Chad: So Rick and Linda are now dead.

Bo: But Rick at least died destroying one of

Bo: the killbots, so that's not nothing.

Chad: It's like that scene in Austin Powers when

Chad: he's going to get run over by that slow

Chad: moving cart.

Bo: Now only Nerdy, ferdy and Allison are left.

Bo: Yeah, we're down to the final two.

Bo: And he's like it's time to find that

Bo: computer.

Bo: Let's split up.

Bo: It's Allison's idea to split up because I

Bo: think that she's worried that murder boners

Bo: are contagious, and so they wander around

Bo: and Allison gets spooked by some hardware

Bo: that falls out of the ceiling, and then

Bo: there's a comically full closet of duct

Bo: hoses and scrap metal that she opens up.

Bo: Then, finally, a killbot sneaks up on her

Bo: and she screams.

Bo: And then Ferdy comes running and he shoots

Bo: it in the face and it starts moaning about

Bo: like laser malfunction, my eye got shot,

Bo: I'm going to kill you, bitches.

Bo: And then Ferdy, out of bullets, now throws

Bo: the gun at him like he used to see in those

Bo: classic.

Bo: Superman movies.

Bo: Ferdy throws a fire extinguisher at it too,

Bo: and it catches it just throws it right back

Bo: at him and knocks over Ferdy.

Chad: Ferdy catches it like clunk.

Chad: I'm like, is Ferdy dead by getting knocked

Chad: over by?

Bo: a fire extinguisher, he's out for the count,

Bo: at least for a while.

Chad: Allison sees this and she runs off because

Chad: she's our last girl in the movie.

Bo: She bus into a pet store where she hides

Bo: under some puppy bitch, like one of those

Bo: bitches where you sit to hold puppies and

Bo: kiddies and whatnot that you might buy, and

Bo: the killbot is looking for her.

Bo: But she has pulled like some dog food bags

Bo: in front of her.

Bo: And it's being real sneaky.

Chad: Imagine reading this screenplay like you're

Chad: going to make this.

Chad: Oh yeah, you have backing.

Chad: You have financial backing to make this

Chad: movie.

Bo: Uh huh All right After she's hidden behind

Bo: all these dog food bags, the killbot comes

Bo: in and just starts bumping into aquariums,

Bo: knocking over aquariums filled with like

Bo: spiders and snakes.

Chad: It's real simple and doomed.

Chad: We all saw that movie last year.

Chad: We know how this goes.

Bo: That's exactly what I was going to say.

Bo: It is Kate Capschol.

Chad: Yeah, and of course they're crawling all

Chad: over Allison snakes and spiders and whatnot

Chad: until the shot when she gets out from under

Chad: the shelf, and then they're just fake

Chad: rubber spiders that fall off in hilarious

Chad: fashion Also hilarious in this moment, if

Chad: you ask me, the fact that when she gets out,

Chad: the killbot leaves with this like real kind

Chad: of sound you know cause the vacuum cleaner

Chad: function is turned on.

Chad: Sure, did you notice the name of the pet

Chad: shop?

Chad: I did not.

Chad: It's Rogers little shop of pets.

Chad: Oh sure, I think the hat to Mr Corman and

Chad: his directing of little shop of horrors,

Chad: the old black and white one, that's a good

Chad: movie, it's okay.

Bo: And you know that's also Dick Miller as

Bo: well.

Bo: I think he's in there somewhere, I'm sure.

Bo: And Jack Nicholson?

Bo: That's a bar bet you can win.

Bo: Is Jack Nicholson in little shop of horrors?

Bo: Yes, he is.

Bo: It's not a great movie.

Bo: It's interesting to watch.

Bo: It's a fascinating cinematic tidbit.

Bo: It's not a movie you're going to watch for

Bo: entertainment.

Chad: So Allison runs off and the remaining

Chad: killbot I think there's just one left comes

Chad: after and Allison decides to seek safety by

Chad: hanging herself off of the railing three

Chad: stories high in the air.

Chad: I kind of thought Allison was the smart one.

Chad: This is one of the dumbest things I've ever

Chad: seen in a movie.

Bo: Well, she can't hang on forever, chad, no.

Bo: And it's up slipping and crashing into,

Bo: like this big parasol that's been set up.

Bo: And while she's hobbling on the floor

Bo: crawling away, the killbot is heading

Bo: downstairs like haha, got you now Right.

Bo: And then she finds the flare in her boobs.

Chad: Oh yeah, what's this thing jamming me in

Chad: the chest?

Chad: For my three story fall Right and then she

Chad: just head first.

Bo: Chad goes into this paint store.

Chad: Uh huh.

Bo: The glass just head down, charges it like a

Bo: bull.

Chad: Well, she pulls her shirt over her head so

Chad: that she can protect herself as she uses

Chad: her skull to smash through this thing.

Bo: The hardest part of her body.

Bo: She starts just spreading paint and paint

Bo: thinner and stuff all over the place and

Bo: the killbot follows her in and she has done

Bo: an end around and slips outside and says

Bo: have a nice day, like all the killbot say.

Chad: Right, right.

Bo: And then just tosses the flare inside and

Bo: everything in the world explodes.

Chad: It's like a action hero walk away shot.

Chad: I mean the storefront just blows open and

Chad: so she's limping away.

Bo: And then you just hear, hey, and it's Ferdy,

Bo: he's alive, and he's like hey, nice shot.

Bo: And then they run into each other's arms

Bo: and nice shot.

Chad: She didn't shoot anything.

Chad: She threw a lens flare into the paint store.

Chad: Also, ferdy is holding a full toilet paper

Chad: roll that's soaked in blood.

Chad: I hope it's blood, I hope it's his blood,

Chad: it's something he just found in the toilet

Chad: stall like hmm, yeah, let's take this for a

Chad: little bit later, late night fun.

Chad: But yeah, they see each other, they rush

Chad: and they hug and then fade out the end.

Bo: Yep, there is some pretty good shot.

Bo: The shot of them hugging.

Bo: It's kind of a crane shot inside the mall

Bo: and it's one of the better shots of the

Bo: movie.

Chad: Hunter Buck says that that was from a guy

Chad: holding the camera with his hands while his

Chad: buddy held him off the railing wise legs.

Bo: Probably so.

Bo: We pad out the runtime with some sitcom

Bo: style action shots of the primary cast,

Bo: like turning to camera.

Bo: Hey, you caught me in the locker room again.

Chad: It's like the closing credits of police

Chad: Academy, Like they're all just like turning

Chad: around smiling at the camera.

Bo: What are we doing here?

Bo: They're into the movie, but Chad, all

Bo: things being equal, yes, this movie.

Bo: It comes in under 90 minutes.

Chad: It's the shortest movie we've ever reviewed

Chad: on this podcast Without in credits.

Chad: It is at 72 minutes.

Chad: It goes by in a flash.

Bo: There's a pretty good head explosion.

Bo: Mm-hmm.

Bo: The fire effects are pretty good.

Chad: It's silly, it's dumb, it's free on YouTube

Chad: and at least when I watched it, they left

Chad: in all of the nakedness and all of the

Chad: swearing.

Chad: So get while the getting's good.

Bo: You can watch this on any number of

Bo: streaming services.

Bo: If you want to pay a buck or two for it,

Bo: you can do it that way or just watch it for

Bo: free, like I did.

Bo: It's on Plex and Pluto and all those like

Bo: free streaming apps and stuff like that, so

Bo: you can find a decent copy of this to watch

Bo: just about anywhere and it's a pretty fun

Bo: movie.

Bo: It's not great.

Bo: But it's, it's an okay time and it's a

Bo: great party movie where if you have this on

Bo: in the background and you're having a

Bo: couple of beers with some friends and

Bo: you're hanging out kind of bullshitting and

Bo: you can just perk up like, oh my God, look,

Bo: it's her head just exploded.

Bo: Why are they all fucking in the same room?

Bo: I don't know.

Bo: This is all silly and weird.

Bo: It's got that kind of vibe where it's a fun

Bo: excuse to hang out and goof on a movie a

Bo: little bit and it's short enough that it

Bo: doesn't wear out.

Bo: It's welcome.

Bo: It gets to the killbots in plenty of haste

Bo: so you're not sitting around waiting for

Bo: the movie to get started because there's

Bo: just not enough runtime to dick around.

Bo: I think it's not a great movie by any

Bo: stretch, but kind of a good time for a B80s

Bo: horror techno thriller.

Chad: It is what it is and it ain't nothing more.

Chad: Yeah, I want to say that for the big finale

Chad: of this season, we are doing something but

Chad: we have never done in the history of Pixxx

Chad: movies.

Chad: We are going to review a movie that, at the

Chad: time of its recording, will be in theaters.

Bo: Oh, that sounds difficult.

Chad: Well, it's also going to premiere on a

Chad: streaming service.

Chad: We don't have to go see it in a theater.

Chad: Oh, that's much easier.

Chad: Right, I am speaking of the video game

Chad: turned cinematic event five nights at

Chad: Freddy's, a movie inspired by the popular

Chad: pizza chain entertainment franchises of the

Chad: 1980s, including Chuck E Cheese and show

Chad: biz pizza.

Bo: I like at least two of those things.

Chad: Have you played five nights at Freddy's?

Bo: A little bit.

Bo: I played the first game a little bit, yes.

Chad: I watched a full YouTube explanation of the

Chad: five nights at Freddy's canon with my son

Chad: and you talk about fanfiction.

Chad: That is just off the charts.

Chad: It's totally bonkers.

Chad: I don't know how much the movie is going to

Chad: get into that or what else, but my son and

Chad: people of his age like young teenagers.

Chad: I think this movie which no shockers.

Chad: Coming from Bloom House, I think there's

Chad: only three companies that make movies

Chad: anymore.

Chad: It's like Bloom House, disney and Paramount

Chad: and a 24.

Chad: That's it.

Chad: Those are the people making movies anymore.

Chad: Right now in Bloom House got their hooks

Chad: into this one and they're making a movie

Chad: and people are excited.

Bo: I'm mildly interested to see what they make

Bo: of this Again.

Bo: I didn't watch your fancy lore video, but I

Bo: know what I've seen of five nights at

Bo: Freddy's and it seems a little thin in the

Bo: way of story.

Bo: Oh, there's a lot going on.

Bo: Oh, is there really?

Chad: There's a whole backstory.

Chad: There's a feud between two different

Chad: pizzerias and kids start getting killed by

Chad: robots.

Chad: It's a real something as far as I kind of

Chad: try to remember.

Bo: Should I watch this Should?

Chad: I bone up on the no, no, no, no.

Bo: All right, look, I'll get it fresh.

Bo: In the words of one of our great newsmen

Bo: Fuck it, I'll do it live, and I'm excited

Bo: to watch this premiere just before

Bo: Halloween and I'm sure it'll be great, I'm

Bo: sure it'll be one of the best horror movies

Bo: I've ever seen.

Chad: It will be the second Bloom House movie

Chad: that we review this season and, to really

Chad: get you excited, it also has a PG-13 rating.

Chad: Oh yeah, so none of the blood none of the

Chad: good stuff is going to be in it.

Bo: Oh boy, that doesn't sound great.

Chad: No, it doesn't Not at all All right.

Chad: So anyway, as always, like great review,

Chad: you can reach out to us at PixSixMovies at gmail.com

Chad: gmailcom and we're here in there, or

Chad: whatever else.

Chad: Bo any final thoughts you have on shopping

Chad: mall AKA Killbots of the movie?

Chad: Get me out of this vent.

Chad: Yeah, I'll get you out of the vent.

Chad: Let me ask you a question.

Chad: You know I'm milkable.

Chad: He's like right escalated.

Chad: Well, she liked it right.

Chad: We're going.

Chad: Sweet cheeks.

Chad: Come back here.