The Dark Parade

Speaker 1: fun music playing throughout, video game rich melody and harmony in the background].

Speaker 1: And welcome to Pick Six Movies, the podcast where every season we pick a theme.

Speaker 1: Then we pick six movies all related to that theme.

Speaker 1: Then, over the course of six consecutive episodes, we take one of the aforementioned movies and provide some history about how that movie got made.

Speaker 1: Then we review that movie from start to finish to see if it's any good.

Speaker 1: We crack jokes, sometimes we do silly voices, all in an effort to entertain you.

Speaker 1: A more than likely total stranger.

Speaker 1: I'm Chad Cooper, one of your hosts, and I will later be joined by Mr Bo Ransdell, your other host.

Speaker 1: This season's theme is Holiday Road, where we're discussing movies that are all about road trips.

Speaker 1: This season has it all Comedies, fantasies, drama and, in the case of this episode, poorly executed horror.

Speaker 1: This is a very special episode featuring the remake of the cult classic the Hitcher.

Speaker 1: Some of you may be thinking since when is the 2005 Will Smith matchmaking rom-com, co-starring Kevin James and Eva Mendes, a cult classic?

Speaker 1: Well, that's the movie Hitch.

Speaker 1: This episode is all about the Hitch-er, but I can see how you may have gotten confused, considering the precedents set by dumb and dumb-er-er If you've never seen the original the Hitcher or the remake of the Hitcher.

Speaker 1: Don't worry, we got you covered.

Speaker 1: We're probably going to spend a whole lot of time talking about how the remake sucked and the original is pretty damn good.

Speaker 1: But you may be thinking, chad, I'm unfamiliar with the appropriate etiquette that's associated with hitchhiking.

Speaker 1: Should I use my left thumb or my right thumb?

Speaker 1: Is it rude to request a ride take place in the truck bed of a pickup after being offered a spot in the cab?

Speaker 1: Does hitchhiking with a dog help you get a ride?

Speaker 1: Well, luckily Mr Bo Randstil is here to answer none of those questions with his introduction to this episode.

Speaker 1: But what say you?

Speaker 1: Get in here and fill up the ears of these random strangers listening to this podcast with a bunch of weird tales of highway tomfoolery about folks trying to catch a ride, as well as a little bit of history about the remake of the Hitch-er.

Speaker 2: This from a guy named Rob who, when asked about his experience hitchhiking, I was at an SNFU show, which was a fairly prolific punk band, back in the day at the starfish room on Seymour in Vancouver.

Speaker 2: I was 17 or 18 at the time, but it was super easy to sneak into.

Speaker 2: They didn't ask for ID, they didn't care.

Speaker 2: It was summer, because I remember taking off my shift in the show.

Speaker 2: It was so packed and sweaty.

Speaker 2: I was having a conversation with a guy in the beer line just talking about music.

Speaker 2: Once the show finishes up I lose track of all my friends in the pit.

Speaker 2: I was quite wasted.

Speaker 2: So I just started hitchhiking and the guy I was talking to in the line pulls over.

Speaker 2: He asked if I needed a ride.

Speaker 2: I said yeah, dude, totally.

Speaker 2: I was thinking to myself thank God I didn't get in some random weirdo's car.

Speaker 2: He seemed nice, maybe he could be a new friend.

Speaker 2: I was giving him directions, like take a ride on boundary or whatever, and then he pulls over and is just silent.

Speaker 2: I'm like no, dude, it's still further.

Speaker 2: He seems super nervous about something.

Speaker 2: I ask are you okay?

Speaker 2: Do you have a health problem?

Speaker 2: He says no, it's fine, and we keep going Wasted.

Speaker 2: Rob thinks this is kind of weird, but whatever, we go another 5 or 10 blocks and he stops again.

Speaker 2: He's avoiding eye contact with me, just staring at the steering wheel and I'm worried.

Speaker 2: I ask are you okay to be driving For a second?

Speaker 2: I thought he might be wasted, like me.

Speaker 2: We didn't meet in the beer line.

Speaker 2: We start driving again and he pulls over a third time.

Speaker 2: He takes a deep breath, looks at me and says I've always wanted to suck another man's dick.

Speaker 2: I was like, oh, that's what's happening.

Speaker 2: I said thank you, I'm flattered, but no, I'm totally good.

Speaker 2: Thanks, but no thanks.

Speaker 2: And he started getting really flustered.

Speaker 2: I said I'm just going to walk and I got out of the car.

Speaker 2: I was nowhere near home and this was before the days of cell phones.

Speaker 2: In retrospect I kind of feel bad about how I reacted.

Speaker 2: That guy probably came out to me.

Speaker 2: I don't know what happened to that guy, but I hope he's happy.

Speaker 2: I hope he's come to terms with his identity and feels comfortable.

Speaker 2: That, listeners, is just a sample of the kinds of stories that litter the landscape of hitchhiking.

Speaker 2: Just so we're clear, hitchhiking is the time, on our tradition, of walking along the side of the road and hooking a thumb out to catch a ride from a stranger.

Speaker 2: If you're one of those transactional types, you may recall this old chestnut Ass grass or cash, nobody rides for free.

Speaker 2: As long as there have been cars, there have been people who need a ride from point A to point B with the aid of a random weirdo.

Speaker 2: John Steinbeck's the Grapes of Wrath features Tom Joad hitching a ride in Depression-era America, which makes sense.

Speaker 2: Back in those days, when not everyone could afford a car, hitchhiking was a way to travel great distances on the backs of the richie riches who could afford the cost of a new-fingled invention like a horseless carriage.

Speaker 2: Even through the Second World War, hitchhiking was commonplace.

Speaker 2: Not only was it that not everyone could afford a car, there was a war on Rubber, and steel were at a premium and there were lots of would-be soldiers looking to get around.

Speaker 2: In a country as vast as the United States, stopping for hitchhikers was seen as a sort of patriotic duty in some cases, at the very least, it was considered polite.

Speaker 2: There was a sense during that time that we were all in this crazy thing called life together, and so why wouldn't you lend a hand to the guy or gal with the thumb out on the side of the road, hitchhiking took on its own mystique.

Speaker 2: Writer Jack Kerouac chronicled his view of America in his 1957 novel On the Road, helping to define the beat culture and make the freewheeling lifestyle something that felt unique and part of the cultural thread in this American tapestry.

Speaker 2: That made our sprawling, car-obsessed nation something singular.

Speaker 2: Even nerds got in on the act when Douglas Adams penned Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which was inspired on an actual earth-based hitchhiking trip in Innsbruck, austria, in the mid-1970s.

Speaker 2: Author Tom Robbins penned the book Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, a novel all about a young woman born with the perfect oversized thumbs for hitching, making the act of hitchhiking a metaphysical experience for the protagonist.

Speaker 2: This golden era of hitchhiking would last all the way until the 1970s, when pop culture and a growing unease in the culture would bring it all crashing down.

Speaker 2: Well, that and consumerism Beginning in the 1960s, car ownership among American families hit an all-time high, with the nation laying out a grid of highways and interstates.

Speaker 2: If you had a car, you could conceivably get to any part of the country with little trouble.

Speaker 2: America was one great big body and these interstates and highways were the veins and capillaries carrying cars to every appendage of the nation.

Speaker 2: With increased speed limits, not only could you get anywhere, you could get there pretty darn quick.

Speaker 2: The 1970s, as you may recall, were a pretty tumultuous time in American history.

Speaker 2: The Vietnam War was winding down and the nation was wounded by bloodshed, loss and a feeling that we'd all been duped.

Speaker 2: Somehow, a president resigned in shame, unlike the era of good feelings inspired by a sense of purpose and victory after World War II, we were licking our wounds and feeling the hangover of a bitter war and the loss of idealism which peaked in the 1960s.

Speaker 2: Trust was in shorter supply.

Speaker 2: Still, there are famous hitchhikers to this day.

Speaker 2: Most of them are young neo hippies who use their experience hitchhiking as a sort of social experiment in trust.

Speaker 2: Such a neo hippie is Ludovic Hubler, a French guy who toured the world by hitching from 2003 to 2008, and wrote a book about his experiences.

Speaker 2: A better version of that for my money is the book Car Sick John Waters Hitchhikes Across America by the Gonzo film director John Waters.

Speaker 2: He actually did hitchhike a lot and has some fascinating and funny stories about it.

Speaker 2: And god, what I wouldn't give for a two hour car ride with that glorious weirdo.

Speaker 2: Back to the horrors of hitching.

Speaker 2: Hollywood read the room in the 1970s and stepped in and started painting the stranger in society as something dangerous.

Speaker 2: Through the 1970s and the decade that followed, the idea of psychopathic hitchhikers emerged, perhaps, beginning with a movie called the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Speaker 2: Maybe you've heard of it.

Speaker 2: That movie's dread begins with a whacked out hitchhiker in a van full of peace and love, hippies.

Speaker 2: And that's just the warm up to the real horrors.

Speaker 2: A guy named Alan Pissarski, a transportation consultant who specializes in travel behavior, said quote it really kind of changed the social attitude toward it.

Speaker 2: We became much more conscious of fear and felt a lot more distressed of your fellow citizen.

Speaker 2: There were intimations of this change in perspective Way back in 1960,.

Speaker 2: Both Alfred Hitchcock presents and the Twilight Zone both featured stories about ominous hitchhikers, though neither was directly malevolent.

Speaker 2: But let's get back to some hitchhiker stories.

Speaker 2: This from a 36 year old named David.

Speaker 2: When I hitchhiked, I mostly went with truckers because they're accountable.

Speaker 2: It's true there are dangers involved, especially if you're not a guy like I am.

Speaker 2: But truckers have a number, an identity.

Speaker 2: You can text someone what truck you're on, not saying it's perfect, but it felt safer.

Speaker 2: Plus, they have little TVs in the back.

Speaker 2: I was traveling with two women friends, introducing them to train hopping and later hitchhiking From Winnipeg heading west.

Speaker 2: I think we were going through Field BC.

Speaker 2: This guy in a small car went by, didn't stop and then, I'm pretty sure, did a U-turn which was the first red flag.

Speaker 2: He was coming from the wrong direction, going east.

Speaker 2: We thought it was a U-turn but we weren't sure.

Speaker 2: There were a lot of cars going by.

Speaker 2: We thought maybe it wasn't him.

Speaker 2: He told us he commutes to Fort Mac from Salmon Arm.

Speaker 2: We get in and his car is spotless, not even a shred of junk food or a coffee cup.

Speaker 2: And in the trunk he had all these pillows and blankets, neatly stacked and wrapped in plastic.

Speaker 2: But we thought maybe he's just anal.

Speaker 2: You know An anal-y, clean, long-distance commuter.

Speaker 2: He says to my friends oh, so happy to meet you, and he tells me to reach under my seat.

Speaker 2: He has a gift for them.

Speaker 2: By this point we're racing at full speed.

Speaker 2: It's this box with 30 or 40 rocks in there with BC Girls Rock painted on them, which we thought was creepy but I guess not dangerous.

Speaker 2: I think we were just past Malacqua and he started talking about showing us a cabin in the woods and kept trying to pull off the main highway.

Speaker 2: And he did pull onto some side road under the guise of wanting us to see the real BC, which was when we decided we may actually die and I decided to take my knife out.

Speaker 2: Apparently, I blacked out with a knife in my hand and my friends kept hitting me.

Speaker 2: We all had the same fear of death.

Speaker 2: Finally, we get to Salmon Arm and he veers into a post office and we get out and just run, we find an RCMP officer, walk up to the window and say we'd like to report a suspicious incident.

Speaker 2: We believe this guy could be a danger to women hitchhikers.

Speaker 2: I had his information.

Speaker 2: I asked could you enter this into your system?

Speaker 2: He literally replied hitchhiking is illegal in BC.

Speaker 2: He basically said he wasn't going to write a name or number down and threaten to charge us.

Speaker 2: It was awful, I think I said under my breath no wonder there are so many missing women in this part of BC and walked away.

Speaker 2: This sort of story is what we think of now when we think of hitchhiking.

Speaker 2: While the hitchhiker from Texas Chainsaw was certainly threatening, it would be a movie from 1986 that made the dangerous hitchhiker something truly terrifying.

Speaker 2: This movie was the brainchild of author Eric Redd, a young would-be filmmaker who had done a short film called Gunman's Blues with the hopes of making it big in Hollywood.

Speaker 2: As it happened, no one cared.

Speaker 2: Redd moved from New York to Austin, texas, and took up as a taxi driver.

Speaker 2: On the drive to Austin he was listening to a song by the doors Writers on the Storm.

Speaker 2: Something about the line there's a killer on the road stuck with him, along with the idea of a storm as the setting that combination of killer and storm hung with him and Redd began riding his nightmarish tail while plugging away in his taxi.

Speaker 2: That script would be called the Hitcher.

Speaker 2: When he was done with his 190-page opus, he sent the script to a bunch of producers along with a letter that read quote it grabs you by the guts and does not let up, and it does not let go when you read it.

Speaker 2: You will not sleep for a week.

Speaker 2: When the movie is made, the country will not sleep for a week.

Speaker 2: An executive named David Bombeck liked the cut of Redd's jib and gave the script a read.

Speaker 2: It was overly long, the runtime as written would be north of three hours, and it was exceedingly violent.

Speaker 2: Bombeck and his partner got on the phone with Eric Redd and started to shape the material into something more than an exploitation movie.

Speaker 2: Redd was eventually moved out to Los Angeles to continue the editing until the script was lean and decidedly mean.

Speaker 2: The question was how do they keep the horror of the script without turning it into a run-of-the-mill slasher movie?

Speaker 2: When they had done that hard work, the script was sent to David Maddard, an executive with Warner Brothers, who called the script terrific.

Speaker 2: Good for them, right.

Speaker 2: Wb gave the producers a letter of intent to distribute the movie, which would in turn allow them to get financing.

Speaker 2: Based on the script and WB's commitment to get the movie in theaters, a photographer who went on to be a cameraman, named Robert Harmon, was given a copy of the script and signed on quickly.

Speaker 2: He envisioned it as a hitchcocky and thriller and wanted to further tone down some of the violence, including a scene in which a young woman is ripped in half With a director on board.

Speaker 2: It was time to cast the titular hitcher, who was described in the script as tall and lanky, almost skeletal.

Speaker 2: Red had written the movie with non-actor Keith Richards in mind, who would use an electronic voice box, but thankfully this idea was quickly shelved.

Speaker 2: Everyone from Sam Elliott, who was too expensive, to Harry Dean Stanton was considered for the role, but it was Dutch actor Rutger Hauer who chased it.

Speaker 2: He was tired of doing villain roles after numerous turns as the antagonist, including his memorable role as Roy Batty in Blade Runner, but Howard decided if he was going to do one more villain, john Rider of the Hitcher should be it.

Speaker 2: The protagonist was a young man, and up-and-comers like Matthew Maudine, tom Cruise and Emilio Estevez were considered before the producer settled on C Thomas Howell.

Speaker 2: At the time, howell was best known for the adaptation of the SE Hinton novel the Outsiders and a movie called Tank with James Garner, which is a real stay-tune for this show.

Speaker 2: He'd also been one of the Wolverines from Red Dawn and Howell was looking for more roles that would allow him to stretch.

Speaker 2: He initially passed on the hitcher before Robert Harmon sent Howell the script.

Speaker 2: Personally, howell was hooked from the first 12 pages and signed on once he heard that Rutger Hauer would be the villain of the piece.

Speaker 2: Even on set, howell recalled being intimidated by Howard and his fear is tangible on screen.

Speaker 2: Jennifer Jason Lee, daughter of actor Vic Moro and one of the stars of Fast Times at Richmond High a few years before, took the role of the female lead Nash, wanting to join Rutger Hauer again after having worked with him on the medieval drama Flesh and Blood.

Speaker 2: Now that they had a script, a director and a cast, the hitcher team went about looking for someone to pay for all of this, and that's where they ran into some trouble.

Speaker 2: Everyone passed on it, some because of the whole girl getting ripped in half thing, and also there's a scene with an eye and a hamburger, and some people find that kind of thing gross.

Speaker 2: Other studios would make the movie if the novice director were replaced with someone more experienced, but producers liked Harmon in his vision for the movie.

Speaker 2: An independent producer by the name of Donna Dubrow got wind of the project and sent it to HBO COO Michael Fuchs to get his thumbs up for some funding.

Speaker 2: It wasn't really Fuchs's kind of movie, but he liked the script enough to give it a green light with a budget of nearly six million dollars.

Speaker 2: With a couple of caveats, the girl in the film would not be torn apart and the general violence of the whole movie would be toned down a little bit.

Speaker 2: After some negotiating, the eyeball in the hamburger was replaced with a finger, which I guess is better Somehow, anyway, the girl being ripped in half.

Speaker 2: Well, to quote Donna Dubrow, they were trying to make her death not horrible, when by the nature of the script it had to be the money.

Speaker 2: People relented at the last minute and the hitcher, with a few slight modifications, was a go.

Speaker 2: When it finally landed in theaters, the hitcher was pretty much DOA, despite some early success in test screenings.

Speaker 2: It would make its budget back, but only barely, and critics savaged the movie.

Speaker 2: Thener Baldur but equally dead.

Speaker 2: Co-host of Pixic's official critic, roger Ebert.

Speaker 2: Gene Siskel called the movie quote a thinly veiled but more gruesome ripoff of Steven Spielberg's duel.

Speaker 2: Newsweek took the other side and said it was quote an odyssey of horror and suspense that's as tightly wound as a garot and as beautifully designed as a guillotine.

Speaker 2: And many of the bad reviews still called out Ruger-Howard's intense performance.

Speaker 2: The movie has since undergone much reappraisal and it finally came to Blu-ray this year For my money.

Speaker 2: It is imperfect, but it's tense, it's exciting and Ruger-Howard is incredible as the enigmatic and terrifying John Ryder.

Speaker 2: There was a sequel called the Hitcher 2, I've Been Waiting which no one was waiting for and disappeared almost as quickly as it came.

Speaker 2: And of course there's the subject of our episode today, to wit a remake of the Hitcher, another one of those remakes done by Michael Bay's production company, platinum Dunes, who were responsible for the remakes of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the Amityville Horror before they took a swing at the Hitcher Boy.

Speaker 2: We're really bad in a thousand.

Speaker 2: Huh Bay said of the original.

Speaker 2: I loved it as a kid and we can add some cool twists and turn it into a rocking film.

Speaker 2: Ugh Bay also said the remake would have a pretty lady as the lead instead of some boring dude Enter Sophia Bush, who had been in National Lampoon's Zach Wilder and a movie called John Tucker Must Die Of more renown, especially these days, is the guy who would step into the Rucker Hauer role, sean Bean.

Speaker 2: Bean has been doing work for almost 40 years, starring in everything from video games to Lord of the Rings memes, to Game of Thrones memes, to Silent Hill movies, to James Bond movies.

Speaker 2: He's a consummate character actor and he's a great addition to almost any film.

Speaker 2: Even when the movie is crap like this one, he's still pretty good.

Speaker 2: The director for this misfire is Dave Meyer, who is a very talented music video director, who tried his hand with this feature film and wisely returned to music videos, where he's worked with everyone from Ariana Grande to Ed Sheeran to Pink.

Speaker 2: So good on him, but please don't make any more feature films, please, ever.

Speaker 2: The movie opened with little fanfare.

Speaker 2: One presumes even Michael Bay and his cronies at Platinum Dunes knew this one was a stinker, and the movie opened at number four at the box office and was gone from almost every theater within five weeks of its release.

Speaker 2: The best review I found is from the New York Post, which called it.

Speaker 2: Quote the Jessica Simpson of Psycho Killer Flicks, which sounds negative to me.

Speaker 2: But can any movie where Sean Bean terrorizes pretty young adults be all that bad?

Speaker 2: For the answers to that, let's bring Chad in to stick out our thumbs and see what pulls over.

Speaker 2: Ladies and gentlemen, hitchers and drivers, it's 2007's the Hitcher.

Speaker 2: Hey, and welcome back everyone to the show that never ends.

Speaker 2: We're so glad you could arrive.

Speaker 2: Step inside.

Speaker 2: Step inside, that is lyrics to a song that I don't know the title of.

Speaker 2: You gotta see the show.

Speaker 2: I think it's from Jesus Christ Superstar, which can't be accurate.

Speaker 1: No, that's not.

Speaker 2: Look, last episode we did an honest to goodness, real movie.

Speaker 1: Yeah, it won awards, real awards, industry awards yeah yeah, yeah, it's a fantastic movie.

Speaker 2: Thelma and Louise, terrific movie and we figured we are good for one of those about every 140 episodes.

Speaker 1: Oh God, it was so nice while it lasted.

Speaker 2: So let's reset the clock and start with 2007's the Hitcher Chad.

Speaker 1: This is what it feels like when you fall off the wagon.

Speaker 1: I've never been on the wagon, but this is what it feels like.

Speaker 1: Or you're just like fuck it.

Speaker 1: Remember when Denzel went into that other hotel room in the movie what was it called Flight?

Speaker 1: And he just got drunk before he had to go in and testify.

Speaker 1: That's what this is.

Speaker 2: I thought you were gonna do the man on Fire.

Speaker 2: Like I wish you had more time.

Speaker 1: Remember he flew that plane upside down.

Speaker 2: He did all he had to and he was a drunk.

Speaker 1: That was a pretty good movie.

Speaker 1: That was better than this movie.

Speaker 1: Oh, a lot better.

Speaker 1: I mean, you have to how did we find ourselves, bow, amongst the Platinum Dunes once again?

Speaker 1: I thought we would never return.

Speaker 1: We did that whole deja-oo season with all the horror remakes.

Speaker 1: That season could've easily just been titled Platinum Dude or something like that.

Speaker 1: Like, all of these movies are complete and total garbage.

Speaker 2: They just make crappy movies, but we both watched the original the Hitcher within the past.

Speaker 2: What 72 hours.

Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, and so it's worth starting there, I think, because I've seen the Hitcher a bunch, the original Ruger-Howard C Thomas Howdy-Duty movie.

Speaker 2: I don't know what your opinion of that is.

Speaker 2: I've told you how I feel about it, but what do you think of the original the Hitcher?

Speaker 1: The original.

Speaker 1: It is a relic of its times.

Speaker 1: It is a little Indie 80s horror film.

Speaker 1: It's on YouTube.

Speaker 1: I recommend it.

Speaker 1: You can check it out.

Speaker 1: It was uploaded by someone named Little Hitler Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: Different name, that turned you off, but that's who uploaded it, At least the version I saw.

Speaker 2: I think he meant because he's a painter.

Speaker 2: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha For people of our generation.

Speaker 1: But this movie ran in heavy rotation on HBO and Cinemax.

Speaker 1: Like you'd just come home from school and plop down in front of the TV with a big bowl of cereal, kill a couple of hours rather than go outside and do something physical, that's how I was really introduced to this movie, as well as disorderly, starring the fat boys and Sleepy Boy Camp, naturally.

Speaker 1: Or, to bring it closer to home, lady Hawk starring Rucker-Howard or Soul man starring C Thomas Howell movie about a white guy who takes a bunch of pills so he has black skin to get into law school.

Speaker 1: It is the most unintentionally, intentionally racist movie I've ever seen.

Speaker 1: That clip you sent me was jaw-dropping.

Speaker 2: I've never seen Soul man.

Speaker 2: What yeah, I never watched it what?

Speaker 1: Oh my God.

Speaker 1: So, listeners, I'm working on notes and I didn't wanna talk about this movie.

Speaker 1: So I looked up the scene from Soul man where C Thomas Howell, who now has black skin, he's in blackface.

Speaker 2: I mean kind of it's blackface, it's blackface, but no one would ever buy it.

Speaker 2: No, he looks like a white guy in blackface, absolutely the equivalent of that SNL sketch where Eddie Murphy made everybody white as part of a social experiment.

Speaker 2: That makeup is as convincing as Soul.

Speaker 1: Man and in the clip he's having dinner with his new white girlfriend at their rich white house and the scene goes around the dinner table where the mother, younger brother and father as played by the incredibly unfunny Leslie Nielsen they each give their perspective on having a young black man at their dinner table.

Speaker 1: And the mom sees him as a jungle native with a knife in his teeth who rips off her shirt to ravish her and she about passes out from spontaneous orgasm.

Speaker 1: And then the younger brother sees him as this prince knockoff playing a guitar.

Speaker 1: And then Leslie Nielsen, who's not very funny.

Speaker 1: He is the racist dad.

Speaker 1: And he sees C Thomas Howell in blackface as Bo, would you like to describe what he sees?

Speaker 1: I mean, it's a pimp.

Speaker 2: It is a velvet suit wearing pimp.

Speaker 2: Go on Eating a watermelon.

Speaker 1: Sitting beside his now incredibly pregnant daughter.

Speaker 2: Right, yes.

Speaker 1: Where the pimp in his purple outfit tells her to go get his hypodermic needle and his heroin.

Speaker 1: He calls her a fat slut.

Speaker 1: That's right.

Speaker 1: It is jaw-droppingly racist.

Speaker 2: The thing is Chad.

Speaker 2: I can see what they were thinking the idea of like oh, everyone at the table is going to have this stereotypical perception of who this young black man is Right, and it might even work if the actor weren't white.

Speaker 2: That's really where everything falls apart.

Speaker 2: I'm not saying it would be great.

Speaker 2: But if you had a black actor who had seemed, if not complicit in the scene, at least like there's a tacit approval of a black actor being in a scene that addresses black stereotypes.

Speaker 2: But when no one in the scene is actually a black actor and you were dealing with stereotypes that raw and offensive, that is where things go off the rails.

Speaker 1: I don't want to split hairs here, but in the background I think there's a black maid serving them dinner.

Speaker 1: So did that make it okay?

Speaker 1: No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1: That's one of the most unintentionally racist, racist movies I've ever seen.

Speaker 1: White man's burden that was pretty racist.

Speaker 1: What about white chicks starring a couple of Wayans brothers?

Speaker 1: That's got to have some racism in it, right?

Speaker 1: I have never seen that either.

Speaker 1: When Soul man came out in the year 1986, it made more money than Goldie Hawn in Wildcats, robin Williams in Club Paradise, john Cusack in One Crazy Summer, kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China, gene Hackman in Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers.

Speaker 1: And it made more money in a little-known movie, also starring C Thomas Howe and Rutger Howard, called the Hitcher.

Speaker 1: The original Hitcher Boe pulled in 5.8 million bucks.

Speaker 1: Soul man made $27 million.

Speaker 1: What does that tell us?

Speaker 1: America is full of people who have poor judgment and they are racist.

Speaker 2: I'm undeniably speaking of the original the Hitcher, though the thing that I really like about it other than Rutger Howard, who I think is amazing in the Hitcher I think he's sinister and intimidating and seems to be sort of like gleefully evil in a way that does not translate into this movie.

Speaker 1: No, and I think that C Thomas Howe is pretty good at it Like shit.

Speaker 1: For that matter.

Speaker 1: I'd rather talk about the collected works of C Thomas Howe rather than review this movie, because that would ultimately lead to a discussion of the films of Patrick Dempsey, which would then, of course, segue into a round table debating the?

Speaker 1: Uvra of Anthony Michael Hall, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker 1: I dislike this movie so much, bo.

Speaker 1: It's so unnecessary.

Speaker 1: Everything about this remake that differentiates it from the original is a mistake, and every reference they make to the original movie feels lazy and uninspired Like.

Speaker 1: No matter what decision they make, they're wrong.

Speaker 2: The thing that works for me about the Original Hitcher is it's so stripped down.

Speaker 2: It is this character picks up this guy.

Speaker 2: There's never a completely clean answer to the big question of the movie, which is why are you doing this?

Speaker 2: There are some hints here and there, but at no point does the villain say this is why I'm a villain.

Speaker 2: Which I like I think that makes the movie better, and the fact that it really is just C Thomas Howe, V Rucker Howard, like Jennifer Chasenley, hops on board for 10 minutes, but the fact that it is this young guy who, again, he says it in the original movie.

Speaker 2: Hey, I was just tired and the guy needed help, so I gave him a ride.

Speaker 2: That was the whole thing.

Speaker 1: You asked me about my history with this movie and, as I said, just like watching it on pay movie channel, the Original, as you said.

Speaker 1: The intro it starts on a dark and stormy night, c Thomas Howe.

Speaker 1: He's out in the rain, lightning, thunder.

Speaker 1: He picks up this dude, this pseudo albino, and he learns that the Hitcher has killed some people.

Speaker 1: And then C Thomas Howe's like get out of my car, out, he goes in the rain and then for the rest of the movie he's basically just stalked by this maniac who is demanding that C Thomas Howe kill him so that he, the Hitcher, doesn't kill again.

Speaker 1: It's simple, it's straightforward.

Speaker 1: It's a campfire ghost story told in long form, and it works.

Speaker 1: It also has real whiffs of the Terminator.

Speaker 1: The dude's, this unstoppable force, no matter what you throw at him, except he's not a robot.

Speaker 1: But that's the whole movie.

Speaker 1: You don't need much more.

Speaker 1: This movie just fucks it up every which way possible.

Speaker 2: It's head-scratching, Like you said.

Speaker 2: We'll get into some of those individual decisions, but it just is a fine example of how an original film that's so singular, even though the Hitcher definitely borrows from the Terminator and reviews at the time constantly referred to this being like the movie Duel, the Spielberg movie with Dennis Weaver, and that's true, but it's a little nastier than that.

Speaker 2: It's got kind of a mean spirit to it, but it's sort of elegant in its design.

Speaker 2: And Rucker Howe's creepy and he's so good that whole scene at the beginning, the opening of the original the Hitcher when C Thomas Howell picks up Rucker Howe, from the time he picks him up to the time he is kicked out of the car, is some of the most compelling tense moments of any movie, I can think of.

Speaker 1: I like that part where.

Speaker 2: The.

Speaker 1: Hitcher takes his switchblade and he puts a blade back in it.

Speaker 1: And then they go through a construction zone and the Hitcher has a switchblade but it's retracted and he puts it up against C Thomas Howell's balls Like you make a wrong move, I'm gonna poke you in the ding, ding.

Speaker 1: And then the construction worker walks over.

Speaker 1: He's like hey guys, hold on a minute, you gotta go around traffic.

Speaker 1: And he looks in the car and he sees the Hitcher has his hand down there, c Thomas Howell's dick.

Speaker 1: And the construction worker's like all right, you couple of Froot Loop fairies, enjoy your evening, ladies.

Speaker 2: All right, sweetheart, keep it moving.

Speaker 1: That unabashed, not even homophobia, just anti-gay from the 1980s of like.

Speaker 1: What is going on here, Like, yeah, we know what you two are up to.

Speaker 2: Why is this in your movie?

Speaker 2: Well, because it was the mid-80s.

Speaker 1: It doesn't add anything.

Speaker 1: We could sit here and talk about C Thomas Howell on blackface and a guy getting poked in the dick with a switchblade for hours.

Speaker 1: Let's jump into this movie because the sooner we start talking about it, the sooner we can stop.

Speaker 2: It opens on a Platinum Dunes logo, because once again we play our dangerous game.

Speaker 2: And then we get an insert that says according to the US Department of Transportation, an estimated 42,000 people are killed on the highway every year.

Speaker 1: And now that number is accurate and it is surprisingly consistent over the last four decades, despite the growth in US population.

Speaker 1: Why is that Seatbelt?

Speaker 1: Save lives.

Speaker 1: Buckle up a safety message from.

Speaker 2: Pick Six Movies Also when they say 42,000 people a year are killed on the highways and interstates.

Speaker 2: That's also not from hitchers.

Speaker 1: No, it involves speeding, alcohol, bicyclists, pedestrians, people on motorcycles choosing not to wear a helmet.

Speaker 1: This movie is not about the safety of the interstates.

Speaker 1: It's about a guy killing people out on the road.

Speaker 2: These issues are not one and the same at all the number of people killed every year by hitchers drastically overstated.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's like negative two Hitchers actually save two lives a year.

Speaker 1: Right, I think they killed four, but then they perform CPR on two people and the math works out or something.

Speaker 2: So if you see hitchers, don't immediately be afraid of them as well.

Speaker 1: No, this movie shows this expansive shot of middle America, making me long for the days of Thelma and Louise.

Speaker 1: And then, if you're paying attention to the credits, you do see a Michael Bay production.

Speaker 1: You're like, ah shit.

Speaker 1: And then the camera pans over and we see some terrible CGI.

Speaker 1: It's this burnout or rusted out car frame and a bunny comes a hoppin' by.

Speaker 1: And this is a horror movie.

Speaker 1: So you're like, well, that bunny's gonna die, because bunnies are the most adorable animal that audiences are okay with seeing, killed on screenbow Cause.

Speaker 1: Dogs are a no and cats can be killed, but cats are known for being assholes.

Speaker 1: So a lot of times when you see a dead one in a movie you're like, ah, that cat probably had it coming.

Speaker 1: But bunnies Bo, they are innocent and sweet, but audiences are cool with them getting killed, as seen in Fatal Attraction of Mice and Men.

Speaker 1: Monty Python and the Holy Grail cause.

Speaker 1: They blew up a rabbit and remember when that rabbit beat that bunny to death with a pipe or a stick in the Michael Moore documentary?

Speaker 1: Roger and Me oh, that's right, we saw that in the theater.

Speaker 1: We did, we were like 16.

Speaker 1: We were man Barton, fink, barton.

Speaker 2: Fink.

Speaker 1: Fucking weird man.

Speaker 1: We drove an hour to go see that Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2: Yeah, we did the same for days.

Speaker 2: That confused.

Speaker 2: A nostalgia piece for people a decade older than us.

Speaker 1: So this bunny rabbit's hoppin' around and goes out into the road and get squished by a car which, truth be told, I think this rabbit wanted to die, cause it just jumps right into an oncoming car and then it gives us the title the Hitcher, which, by the way.

Speaker 1: But I wanna thank you for picking this movie, cause it is an hour and 17 minutes long, without credits, coming close to, but not undercutting, one of the worst movies that we've ever recorded, with the shortest run time.

Speaker 1: It's Pat, and I think that the movie it's Pat starring Julia Sweeney is more entertaining than this movie, but that movie's worse for different reasons.

Speaker 2: That presents an interesting question Is the Hitcher better than it's Pat?

Speaker 2: Probably, technically it is a better movie, but I would rather watch it's Pat again than watch the Hitcher 2007 again.

Speaker 1: I completely agree, which sounds like the Hitcher's a worse movie, but it's like no, it's not.

Speaker 1: It's a better movie, but I would watch it's Pat.

Speaker 2: Right, I can't, so we start with Shaggy.

Speaker 1: Our movie's hero who at first I was like is that Dane Cook?

Speaker 1: Is that Theo Vaughn?

Speaker 1: Is that some guy phoning in some shitty cosplay as Shaggy from Scooby-Doo at the Cincinnati Comic Con?

Speaker 1: What's going?

Speaker 2: on here.

Speaker 2: He's got the shitty little goatee and everything.

Speaker 1: He looks like Shaggy Rogers from Mystery Inc.

Speaker 2: He has no dog sidekick, which is unfortunate that would be good.

Speaker 1: That would have made it better.

Speaker 1: If you did the hitcher with Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, I'd be down for that.

Speaker 1: Zoinks, this guy's gotta kill a Scoob and at the end he ties up Scooby-Doo between the 18-wheeler.

Speaker 1: He's like Rumpro Raggy the hitcher got a Scooby-Doo.

Speaker 1: They ripped that great dane in half.

Speaker 1: Scoob, now you got a movie.

Speaker 1: Yeah, somebody give him a Scooby snack man.

Speaker 1: Whatever his name is Shaggy.

Speaker 1: He's standing in front of an Oldsmobile 442, this faded blue muscle car and he gets on his cell phone and he's outside, maybe a college campus or a museum or the DMV or something, and he gets on the phone like, hey, it's me, are you sleeping or something?

Speaker 1: I'm outside, it's time to go, hurry up your leap man.

Speaker 1: And Shaggy's kind of an asshole in this scene.

Speaker 1: He's real demanding.

Speaker 1: And then his girlfriend, her name's Grace.

Speaker 1: She comes running out of her dorm, slash county lockup, and she's got a travel bag and a pillow and a bunch of blankets and I was like where are these people going?

Speaker 1: Which also I'm not sure if I respect people who bring their own pillow on a trip or not.

Speaker 1: It feels a bit much.

Speaker 1: But when you get to your final destination I'm always kind of jealous because I'm like, oh man, they got their own pillow.

Speaker 2: I don't know that I'm that blown away by my own pillows, that I mean.

Speaker 2: As long as there are pillows, I think I'm okay.

Speaker 1: But some places have real shitty pillows, like real thin pillows, nothing and when you have your own pillow you're like, oh man, that's a better pillow than shitty ones.

Speaker 1: It's insurance.

Speaker 2: Yeah, but if you're staying places where the poor's, do sure you're gonna get some bad pillows, but that ain't me, Chad.

Speaker 2: That's not how I travel.

Speaker 2: Good for you.

Speaker 1: Grace has that thing in movies where she leaps into the air and wraps her arms and her legs around shaggy and he just holds her up along with all of her travel bags.

Speaker 1: I've only seen that in movies and in billboards for Newport cigarettes, alive with pleasure.

Speaker 2: He compliments her PJs.

Speaker 2: Compliments.

Speaker 1: He's like, like nice PJs man, get in the car, let's go, you're late.

Speaker 2: What a dick, and so they take off in the 442.

Speaker 2: She's changing clothes in the car so we get a little flash of skin.

Speaker 2: Because, lest we forget, this is a Michael Bay movie.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, he didn't direct, but you know, the ethos is there.

Speaker 1: You mentioned that Sophia Bush plays Grace in this and she looks like so many other actresses.

Speaker 1: I mean she's a lovely woman.

Speaker 1: But I was like, is that Jennifer, I love Hewitt or Kate Mara or Rooney Mara or one of the Olsen twins?

Speaker 1: Like I could not pick this woman out of a lineup of any five brunettes from any CWWB show.

Speaker 2: I've just watched this movie a couple of days ago and if you showed me a picture of Sophia Bush right now, I would not recognize her.

Speaker 1: No, they're off to somewhere and then shaggy looks over at her and he goes like I know that, look, man, you got a pee.

Speaker 1: Wait, you know her look when she has to pee.

Speaker 1: That's gross.

Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever known someone that has a I have to pee.

Speaker 1: Look, I've seen it when somebody has to throw up.

Speaker 1: I've seen it when somebody has to take a shit.

Speaker 1: But I've never seen a look that says I have to go pee.

Speaker 2: Zoinks Grace, I guess we're getting into water sports early on this trip, man.

Speaker 1: It turns out she does have to pee, so the movie grinds to a halt, so this woman can go take a pee, and then he finds a penny, picks it up, so all day long I'll have good luck.

Speaker 1: I was like, well, oh, this is going to come into play later, doesn't it doesn't?

Speaker 2: Right.

Speaker 2: I guess we got to get this movie to a feature length runtime and that's why you're seeing things like Zoinks.

Speaker 2: Here's a pity.

Speaker 2: There's a point where a bug hits the windshield when they get back on the road and there's a lot of to do about Zoinks.

Speaker 2: Give me some water, man.

Speaker 2: We got to get this bug off the windshield, and so they do, and then they just pass a sign showing that they're in New Mexico and that's five minutes of the movie.

Speaker 1: As they drive along to get a little bit of the hit rock, ballad, move along by that band.

Speaker 1: Who gives a shit?

Speaker 1: Where are they going?

Speaker 1: Again, you said they're in New Mexico.

Speaker 1: I don't know who these people are, I don't know where they're headed or why.

Speaker 1: Then it starts to rain.

Speaker 1: You're like okay.

Speaker 1: So now we're in original movie territory and Grace is reading Cosmo and the article is Rate your Boyfriend and she says oh my God, I am so excited for the girls to meet you.

Speaker 1: And Shaggy says, like, I can't wait to meet them either.

Speaker 1: Like, do you think they're going to like me?

Speaker 1: Like, like.

Speaker 1: And Grace says oh my God, they are definitely going to love you.

Speaker 1: What girls, bo, are these two dating?

Speaker 1: Are they swingers?

Speaker 1: Is she being human trafficked?

Speaker 1: Is she trading her friends for her freedom?

Speaker 1: That'd make a better movie.

Speaker 2: Oh, kind of a reverse taken.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 2: Oh, I would like that, like I've got a very special set of skills man.

Speaker 1: So while Shaggy and Grace are chit-chatting away during a downpour and they're traveling at a very high rate of speed, so naturally Shaggy is just staring directly at Grace, not watching the road as you do when it's night and pouring down rain at a high rate of speed.

Speaker 1: And then Grace ever the alert passenger.

Speaker 1: She looks up at the road ahead and she screams oh my God, there's a guy on the road.

Speaker 1: So the car swerves around, almost hitting Bo the hitcher.

Speaker 1: They got themselves a hitcher in the road, Chad he's standing in the middle of the damn road and not even on the side of the road.

Speaker 1: Again, I know we're going to reference the original.

Speaker 1: In the original it is a cautionary tale.

Speaker 1: See Thomas Howell pulls over, helps a man in the rain.

Speaker 1: As a good deed that goes extremely punished and it starts slowing.

Speaker 1: It builds.

Speaker 1: This movie starts with a contrived jump scare and it's just downhill from there.

Speaker 2: Where the first movie is sort of like bad things happen to good people.

Speaker 2: It is sort of the theme question mark of the original the hitcher.

Speaker 2: This one is very much derivative things happen to boring people or just like, hey, if you don't stop and help your fellow man, you're going to get fucked for it or something.

Speaker 2: But even that doesn't hold up to much scrutiny.

Speaker 2: The hitcher really feels like this moralistic tale of just because you're doing the right thing doesn't mean that good things are going to come from that.

Speaker 2: That danger lurks around every corner, Sort of thing.

Speaker 1: Yes.

Speaker 2: Even when you're trying to be a good and decent person.

Speaker 2: And this is just a bunch of shit that happens.

Speaker 2: And then credits.

Speaker 2: But we'll get to credits soon enough.

Speaker 1: Shaggy says like I should go talk to that guy and explain that you shouldn't hitchhike in the middle of the road man.

Speaker 1: And Gray says I have a better idea, let's just leave.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher, who we have only seen in silhouette he starts to approach the car from the rear and then the car won't turn over.

Speaker 1: It's real suspenseful.

Speaker 1: But then it does and they leave.

Speaker 2: This is one of those moments where the hitcher, who has been standing in the road beside this car with its emergency lights on, standing in the middle of the road.

Speaker 2: They spin around a couple of times.

Speaker 2: So we're doing donuts, man, and then the hitcher starts to walk towards them and Gray just freaks out about like we've got to get out of hair and with the car being flooded.

Speaker 2: Like you said, it's supposed to be this moment of tension and it's just like so what are they afraid of?

Speaker 2: Exactly A guy in the rain.

Speaker 2: Again, comparing it to the original, but what?

Speaker 2: At first Rick or Howard is kind of friendly and is sort of disarming, whereas immediately this movie is like be sure you're afraid of the hitcher.

Speaker 2: The original movie doesn't do that.

Speaker 2: You just don't know what to make of it.

Speaker 1: You know what the original movie reminds me of?

Speaker 1: Remember that episode of Six Feet Under where the younger brother picks up that dude and he just torments him for the whole episode?

Speaker 1: It's that.

Speaker 1: Why are you doing this?

Speaker 1: And there is no reason.

Speaker 1: It's just because I'm a fucked up person.

Speaker 2: I always think of the movie the Strangers, which is not a great movie, but it's a pretty good horror film.

Speaker 2: But the thing that everyone knows about the Strangers, even if you've never seen it, is the thing that came from the ads, which was hey, why are you doing this to us?

Speaker 1: because you were home.

Speaker 2: Which is a terrifying line, right, the whole idea that somebody shows up at your house and they just torments you and murders you because you happen to answer the door.

Speaker 2: Like I said, kind of a this terrifying notion.

Speaker 2: But this movie skips all that, no, and just is like, hey, don't worry about being scared of this guy for any other reason than the characters are telling you to be scared of him.

Speaker 1: As they drive away, we see another set of headlights coming up behind the hitcher.

Speaker 1: So you're like, well, he'll be okay.

Speaker 1: And, more importantly, if this is based on the original, he's going to torment that person when he gets in the car.

Speaker 1: So roll credits now.

Speaker 2: We're done.

Speaker 2: The car does finally start here and they take off while the hitcher just watches them leave.

Speaker 2: So they're on the road and Shaggy is like come on, man, we got to call somebody.

Speaker 2: That guy stuck out in the middle of nowhere.

Speaker 2: Grace is like what are you talking about?

Speaker 2: That guy seemed like an asshole.

Speaker 2: You're like on account of.

Speaker 1: He was standing in the rain in the middle of the night asking for help.

Speaker 1: What a piece of shit, god.

Speaker 2: did you see what he was wearing?

Speaker 2: He looked poor.

Speaker 2: But unfortunately Shaggy doesn't have a signal on his cell phone so he can't call anybody.

Speaker 1: We got to check that box.

Speaker 1: We don't have any cell service out here.

Speaker 2: After a moment, Shaggy is like hey, did you see, man, that I did a full 360?

Speaker 2: Was that crazy or what?

Speaker 1: man?

Speaker 1: Oh my God, of course I did.

Speaker 1: I was in the car right next to you.

Speaker 1: It was amazing.

Speaker 1: I never thought you could do that in a car.

Speaker 1: And then you did Guess what I have to pay.

Speaker 1: So they find a convenience store called Bufords.

Speaker 2: It's still raining, it's still night and then we do some quality product placement chat yeah.

Speaker 1: He's like, hey, do you want some Fritos or Cheetos or Doritos?

Speaker 1: And she's like you know me, I love Cheetos.

Speaker 1: He's like you want Ding Dongs or Twinkies.

Speaker 1: Give me some Ding Dong, Maybe later some Twinkies or something.

Speaker 1: Look, I got a piece so bad.

Speaker 2: Look at my face Also.

Speaker 2: Be sure to get me some Pepsi.

Speaker 2: It's the choice of a new generation.

Speaker 1: Shaggy walks over to the store clerk and he says like there's a guy broken down a few miles back.

Speaker 1: Could you send someone to help him, man?

Speaker 1: And the store clerk says uh, yeah, that's a no go, that truck belongs to Buford and this is his place.

Speaker 1: He'll be back around 7 o'clock and I was like man, look at Buford coming at 7 am.

Speaker 1: But then I thought you know what, maybe at 7 pm, after he sobers up and up to keep between the lines, I'm like I'm good either way.

Speaker 2: My take on Buford, the guy that we never meet who has the tow truck my take on Buford is he works a day job and the tow business is kind of his at night, so between like 4.30 and 7, it's time to get some dinner, knock back a six pack probably tall boys and then get to work at the convenience store because nobody is calling for a tow.

Speaker 2: And so the fact that he's got it occasionally drive drunk is not that big a deal, because it just doesn't happen every night.

Speaker 1: You mean on his?

Speaker 2: way to work.

Speaker 2: Oh no, he's driving drunk every day on his way to work.

Speaker 2: Well, of course, Buford Right, but as far as then having to drive drunk in the course of his duties.

Speaker 2: Right, that part is not so much necessary, Sure.

Speaker 1: Grace says oh my God, I've got to pee so bad because it's kind of my thing in this movie.

Speaker 1: And then the clerk gives her a key to go to the bathroom which is attached to a Barbie doll.

Speaker 1: Gross.

Speaker 1: And Grace leaves and the clerk says to Shaggy, if your car, if 442 is a bad ass, fucking ride, man, that's a regular pussy wagon and I was like there it is.

Speaker 1: That's the kind of dialogue you expect from a platinum dudes production.

Speaker 2: As soon as the word pussy wagon was used, I was like all right.

Speaker 2: Now I feel like.

Speaker 1: Did you recognize the store clerk in the movie?

Speaker 1: He seemed familiar, but I can't say why.

Speaker 1: He's that guy who played Lil Kevin and it's always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Speaker 1: Remember he was that rapper that D dated.

Speaker 1: They all couldn't tell if he was a rapper or if he was like special needs, uh-huh, okay, all right, that makes me think he was also the redneck in that barn in the platinum dunes remake of Friday the 13th that we reviewed a few weeks months, years back.

Speaker 2: This guy's just nailing down all the parts where he is slightly mentally challenged.

Speaker 2: This is like corky from life goes on getting typecast as the kid with Down syndrome.

Speaker 2: Shaggy asks the store clerk like what kind of car do you have, man?

Speaker 1: And this store clerk's like I'm fixing up a Camaro in my backyard.

Speaker 1: You can come over, you can see it if you want.

Speaker 1: And I got a couple of donkeys in my backyard me and my cousin we ride those around.

Speaker 1: I got kicked in the eye.

Speaker 1: I tried to milk that donkey, but you can't milk a fucking donkey though.

Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: That is all actual dialogue from this movie.

Speaker 1: It means nothing.

Speaker 1: It's meant to be funny.

Speaker 1: It is and it's not.

Speaker 1: It's terrible.

Speaker 1: The way they get out of this scene is Shaggy gives a little side eye to a hot dog on the Weenie roller machine and then it hard cuts to him outside, jam it in his mouth Like he's fourth of July Right Like he's in the Nathan's hot dog eating contest and then a semi pulls up as he's feeding both the car and himself in a manner that is sure to get him the Nara virus.

Speaker 1: And Shaggy looks a little concerned.

Speaker 1: I was like why he didn't even get a good look at the guy he almost hit.

Speaker 1: Why would he assume that the dude getting out of this 18 Wheeler is that guy?

Speaker 2: Also he did the right thing.

Speaker 2: Like the way to play this immediately is hey man, we saw you on the road back there.

Speaker 2: We just told the guy inside that you need to live.

Speaker 2: Glad that you made that way.

Speaker 2: You completely absolved yourself of any wrongdoing.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 2: So the hitcher shows up.

Speaker 2: Like you said, shaggy kind of looks away like zoinks man.

Speaker 2: I don't want him to see me.

Speaker 1: But Shaggy has to go inside to pay for the gas he pumped and the hitcher is inside the gas station with our donkey milking Camaro special needs guy.

Speaker 2: Right who got kicked in the head trying to milk a donkey?

Speaker 1: And by that we mean jerk off a donkey, absolutely, that is what we are implying here.

Speaker 1: I don't think we were even implying it.

Speaker 1: I don't think we were inferring this, suggesting.

Speaker 2: So the hitcher is making a call on a pay phone when Shaggy rolls back inside and the guy behind the counter, donkey boy, says like this must be the guy that you wanted the truck for.

Speaker 1: Who is he, poirot?

Speaker 1: How did he deduce this?

Speaker 1: Based on everything this movie has told us, this store clerk is the kind of person that lets customers make their own change from the cash register, based on the honor system and his lack of understanding, subtraction and the concept of currency.

Speaker 2: It's a real oldling murders in the convenience store kind of situation here where he's cracking the case.

Speaker 1: Shaggy Jeffs and he's like like sorry for not picking you up back there, man, and the hitcher's like don't worry about it, I wouldn't have picked me up either out there in the store.

Speaker 1: And let me just say Sean Bean who plays the hitcher.

Speaker 1: He is incredibly good looking.

Speaker 1: He does not come close to the creepy, dead eyed Rutger Hauer in the original.

Speaker 1: If you're going to cast a murdering hitchhiker, don't go for someone who could easily be the next James Bond.

Speaker 1: You go get your Jake Busey right.

Speaker 1: Maybe, if you want to go older, get Clancy Brown, mickey Rourke, kid Rock, hell, I'll make it easy for your remake of the hitcher, michael Shannon.

Speaker 2: Oh my god, on Michael Shannon.

Speaker 2: Even this is probably in the sky kind of casting right, but like a Willem Dafoe.

Speaker 1: Yes.

Speaker 2: Why don't you pick me up?

Speaker 2: Why don't you?

Speaker 1: Any of those.

Speaker 1: You don't get this like guy who should be selling you Cologne on the back of a magazine.

Speaker 2: I know I'm kind of a male model type, but I would have picked me up either.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher's like ah, is there a motel nearby?

Speaker 1: I've got somebody coming to get me.

Speaker 1: And then the clerk's like, oh yeah, there's one about 15 miles down the road that way.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher looks over at Shaggy and he's like, hey, if you're headed north, can I get your ride to that motel.

Speaker 1: And Shaggy says like sure, man, I can help you out, considering I was a jerk who left you in the rain earlier.

Speaker 1: And then, bo, here comes, grace, walking back kind of bow legged, and she's like, look, nobody should go into the girl's bathroom because that toilet is clogged with a shit the size of a honeybaked ham.

Speaker 1: Also, probably somebody who wasn't me had to make an encore performance in the men's room and destroy that place like a champ.

Speaker 1: I don't know who's on cleanup detail in this place, but you are going to need a pressure washer for sure.

Speaker 1: So, whoa, who is this handsome stranger?

Speaker 2: It really is like who is this tall drink of water?

Speaker 1: Like it's the guy we almost hit earlier in the movie Remember, this is a Platinum Dunes movie there's only like five or six actors that get to speak lines because they don't want to pay anybody.

Speaker 1: They get in the car man.

Speaker 2: All three of them pile into the 442.

Speaker 2: Yeah, all they go.

Speaker 2: Grace is in the backseat headphones in listening to the latest party heads.

Speaker 1: She's got her iPod plugged in.

Speaker 2: The new new Minuto is what she's listening to.

Speaker 1: Shaggy makes some small talking.

Speaker 1: He says like where are you from, man?

Speaker 2: And the hitcher is just like uh, fuck all that.

Speaker 2: Say that Grace back there, good looking girl, how long you been fucking her A song.

Speaker 2: Shaggy notices that the hitcher has a wedding ring on and he says uh like, how long you been fucking your wife man?

Speaker 2: And the hitcher is like wife, uh, oh, this, I don't have one.

Speaker 1: I just wear a wedding ring to make people think I'm trustworthy.

Speaker 1: Now that I say it out loud, that makes me seem untrustworthy.

Speaker 1: But wait, did you notice?

Speaker 1: I'm wearing a wedding ring, check and mate.

Speaker 1: That's some tautological like thinking there.

Speaker 1: But I gotcha.

Speaker 1: Also, in case you're curious, I also wear a cock ring to make people know that I'm really into you know, weird shit.

Speaker 2: Sometimes I pair it with a ball stretcher.

Speaker 2: It's quite a rush.

Speaker 1: So you aren't trustworthy then.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher reaches into the glove box, he brings out their flip phone and he snaps it in half.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher pulls out a switchblade, he jumps in the back and like sticks it up to Grace Shaggy's like, hey, do what you want, man.

Speaker 1: Do you want money or my car?

Speaker 1: The clerk back there said this was a real pussywagon.

Speaker 1: That's gotta count for something.

Speaker 1: He went and lied.

Speaker 1: He just kind of ran around on donkeys and I think she jerked one of them off.

Speaker 1: Is that what you want, a donkey massage?

Speaker 1: I'll do that for ya.

Speaker 1: Get your ball stretcher out.

Speaker 1: Whatever you want, man.

Speaker 2: Here's what I want.

Speaker 2: I want you to say four words.

Speaker 2: Say I-.

Speaker 1: Donkey massage now.

Speaker 2: No wait, I'll tell you the words.

Speaker 1: Extra long ball stretcher.

Speaker 2: It's not a picture area, you idiot, hang on, it's-.

Speaker 1: It's a pussywagon.

Speaker 1: What am I supposed to say?

Speaker 2: First of all, it's a pussywagon, not four words.

Speaker 2: That's technically a contract.

Speaker 2: Never mind it's, I want to die.

Speaker 2: And this, of course, is a callback to the original movie, but a much shittier version of it.

Speaker 2: Yeah, so Shaggy sees that they're passing by this motel, that-.

Speaker 1: What?

Speaker 1: Why do we need to see that Bo?

Speaker 1: I don't know.

Speaker 2: Shaggy revs the engine and says like I don't want to die man, and then slams on the brake, which bounces the hitcher's head off the windshield Uh-huh, cracking the windshield, and probably his head, yes.

Speaker 2: And then he starts kicking him against the door, but he doesn't go out, and so he's like like Grace, come on man open the door.

Speaker 1: Oh my god, do I have to do everything here?

Speaker 1: C-clunk, and then the door opens up.

Speaker 1: They kick the hitcher out and the movie is over.

Speaker 1: Bo, this is where it shit in, because this guy would be dead.

Speaker 1: They're not stopping, they're doing a good 30 miles down the road.

Speaker 1: There's no way he comes out of this uninjured.

Speaker 2: So they decide they're going to call the cops and Grace is like wait a second, I don't have my phone.

Speaker 2: What kind of bullshit is this?

Speaker 1: The hold on.

Speaker 1: Let me remember the last time I used it.

Speaker 1: You were about to get stabbed.

Speaker 1: You were screaming something about donkey semen.

Speaker 1: Then you kicked that handsome, good-looking guy.

Speaker 1: I grabbed my phone and I used it to open the door and then it went outside and it was raining and I thought, oh my gosh, I need to throw this in the grass so it'll stay dry.

Speaker 1: And oh shit, my phone's in the dry grass about two miles back.

Speaker 2: Sure enough, it starts ringing by the side of the road where the hitcher is lying on the pavement.

Speaker 2: Who opens his eyes?

Speaker 2: You know, blink.

Speaker 1: So should I answer it.

Speaker 1: It's not my phone, but it could be important.

Speaker 2: Well, I mean, what if I just answer with her name?

Speaker 2: Did I get her name?

Speaker 2: I didn't get her name.

Speaker 1: Hold on, let me see who's calling Marie.

Speaker 1: She had the number saved.

Speaker 1: It's gotta be someone she knows.

Speaker 1: What if, oh god, what if it's her mom?

Speaker 1: What if it's a I'm gonna kill her later.

Speaker 1: If I talk to her now, it's gonna spoil the she's gonna be already worried.

Speaker 1: I want her to be dead, and then the mom's really so I'm not gonna answer.

Speaker 1: I'm not gonna answer.

Speaker 2: But I'm gonna hang on to it.

Speaker 2: No wait, should I?

Speaker 2: What if she comes back for it?

Speaker 1: Wait, I want her to come back for it.

Speaker 1: What if I waited?

Speaker 2: here with the phone.

Speaker 2: What if I take the phone with me?

Speaker 2: Oh, hitcha you are just constantly dealing with life's worst.

Speaker 1: And Grace also says this is like those second worst spring break ever.

Speaker 1: Wait, we're going on spring break now.

Speaker 2: Shaggy pulls off the road while don't give up on his baby plays, and he just drinks a beer as he's doing this, like the hitcher's hands bust through the windshield.

Speaker 2: It's a little jump scare, right, but it's a dream bow, because he wakes up on a sunny morning.

Speaker 2: It's all inks.

Speaker 2: Grace, meanwhile, has gotten out to go watch the sunrise.

Speaker 1: Mm-hmm, and that means do her impression of a horse emptying its bladder before the Kentucky Derby.

Speaker 2: Shaggy is like say what are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere, man?

Speaker 1: I want to go home.

Speaker 1: Okay, that's what I want to do.

Speaker 1: Shaggy's like like, let's just go to the next town, We'll get some breakfast and we'll call the cops.

Speaker 1: Man, Like, we'll be at your friend's place by tonight and you can tell him how I saved your life.

Speaker 2: We'll get some breakfast and tell the cops who will be drinking more beers by the end of the night man.

Speaker 1: So they get back on the road.

Speaker 1: They drive until they come across this old school station wagon the family truckster yes.

Speaker 1: It is the family truckster and in fact it is a callback to the original, because this looks to be the exact same make, model and color of the same car used in the original film.

Speaker 1: And this station wagon passes and there's a mom and a dad in front, there's a younger kid in the middle seat, but in the far back, the seat that faces in reverse, is a second kid and Grace looks over at Shaggy hey, have you ever thought about having kids?

Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, is she peeing so much because she's pregnant?

Speaker 1: But that's not the case at all, Beau.

Speaker 1: It's just dialogue in this movie and her main characteristic is that she pees all the time.

Speaker 2: That it turns out not really like a character trait is just the heavy urination.

Speaker 1: Yeah, the station wagon gets in front of the pussy wagon and in the back we see someone holding up an oversized green stuff frog and it's like a stuffed animal from a carnival and it's kind of waving its hand how cute, except that it gets lower down.

Speaker 1: In Beau it's the hitcher holding the frog Son of a bitch.

Speaker 2: that hitcher gets around.

Speaker 1: And this is a callback from the original movie, almost a shot for shot remake of it.

Speaker 1: And I have an issue with this scene in both movies, because I don't know who in the hell would let a hitchhiker ride in the very backseat of a station wagon with your elementary school-aged child.

Speaker 2: But also there's a lot of Jesus stickers all over this thing.

Speaker 1: Yeah, they pull that shit a lot in this movie.

Speaker 1: And look, I'm not going to be pro or anti Jesus in religion, but that's in this movie for no damn good reason whatsoever.

Speaker 1: It feels like a Stephen King brushstroke of you just sort of unilaterally come in and shit all over organized religion, which if that's one of the purposes of your movie, then fine, do that.

Speaker 1: But here it's just, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1: But then they put it in there, so it does matter but it doesn't.

Speaker 2: This is just the filmmaker inserting a little bit of commentary here.

Speaker 2: That doesn't really go anywhere.

Speaker 2: It feels very Ricky Gervais.

Speaker 1: I'm just like check it out, man, I'm an atheist isn't it wild.

Speaker 2: I'm a died-in-the-wool atheist, but I'm not an asshole about it.

Speaker 2: You know there are people out there ruining the good name of atheism.

Speaker 2: Sure and Ricky Gervais and whoever decided to put this Jesus sticker on the family truckster are two of the bad ones, the bad eggs ruining it.

Speaker 2: For the rest of us they're just like hey, what if we just don't talk about it?

Speaker 1: Just shut up and keep your beliefs to yourself.

Speaker 1: There's a novel idea.

Speaker 1: Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2: It's the best part of being an atheist is you don't have to care about any of that shit.

Speaker 1: So Shaggy and Grace, they see what's going on in the back of the station wagon and Shaggy says Zoinks like we gotta warn those people, man.

Speaker 1: They pull up beside the station wagon and Grace screams out hey, the guy in the back of your car is crazy, he's dangerous and I totally didn't clog up both toilets and bubereds garage, no matter what any DNA evidence is.

Speaker 1: And then an 18-wheeler drives Shaggy and Grace's car off the road where the pussy wagon crashes into a tree, a branch, punctures the windshield.

Speaker 1: Rip pussy wagon.

Speaker 1: That car is going nowhere, bo they're just gonna have to walk.

Speaker 2: So Shaggy gets out of the car, climbs up this hill in time to see the family truckster heading down the road.

Speaker 2: Yeah, because they're not gonna stop for these crazy people that were shouting about taking a shit.

Speaker 2: No, at Buford's, a couple of miles back.

Speaker 1: You see Grace is wearing cowboy boots and, I'm guessing, without socks.

Speaker 1: She is going to have some epic blisters on those toes Also.

Speaker 2: those boots are gonna stink to high heaven.

Speaker 2: They're just gonna be gross.

Speaker 2: But I think that Shaggy's thing is hey man, make sure those are good and stinky when you pull them off, man.

Speaker 1: He's huffing them like Kevin Klein in a fish called Wanda Absolutely.

Speaker 2: Zikes.

Speaker 2: Oh, that's the good stuff, man.

Speaker 1: Like those are some ripe tootsies.

Speaker 1: Shaggy and Grace are walking down the highway and they come upon the said station wagon and inside bow, it's just full of dead parents and dead kids and an oversized dead green stuff Froggy'd win at a carnival.

Speaker 1: And Shaggy looks in and he shouts back at Grace Like don't come over here, man.

Speaker 2: It's a real mess, I'm not coming over there.

Speaker 2: Look at that car, it looks poor.

Speaker 1: So Shaggy opens the driver's door, he finds that the dad is only mostly dead, which is partly alive, but he's got the hitch or switchblade stabbed in his belly.

Speaker 1: So that's not a good sign.

Speaker 1: And Grace says oh my God, we need to get these people to a hospital when they have those industrial flush toilets, the ones that are always bragging about how they can suck down 20 golf balls.

Speaker 2: We'll see about that, you getting the back with the almost dead dad I'm driving baby, and so they're on their way to take this guy to the hospital and, of course, they leave behind a bloody copy of a kid's book called Will I Go to Heaven, because we got to have a little more Gervais-esque commentary about whatever.

Speaker 1: As they drive a red pickup truck that they saw earlier that passes them, returns and smashes into the back of the station wagon and Grace screams out oh my God, it's him.

Speaker 1: What does he want now?

Speaker 1: How does she know this is the hitcher?

Speaker 1: Like she doesn't, she can't see who's driving, she has no knowledge.

Speaker 1: Like it's got to be that son of a bitch.

Speaker 2: I wish he would pull up beside him and like roll down the window.

Speaker 2: Yeah, you've been hitchered.

Speaker 1: And then get back behind him just so.

Speaker 1: He leaves his calling card and then the hitcher just drives off onto a side road and disappears.

Speaker 1: Grace pulls into a truck stop not a hospital and Shaggy's like Zoinks go inside and like call the police and bring back some towels.

Speaker 1: So Grace runs inside and she's like excuse me, I need you to call 9-11.

Speaker 1: I mean 9-1-1.

Speaker 1: I always get those confused.

Speaker 1: 9-11 sent people to Heaven.

Speaker 1: 9-1-1 is when things stop being fun.

Speaker 1: That's how I remember it.

Speaker 1: Anyway, there are some mostly dead people and some definitely dead children in the car outside.

Speaker 1: I did not kill them, but I need some towels.

Speaker 1: And do you have a bathroom?

Speaker 1: You know what?

Speaker 1: I'll get paper towels from the bathroom, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1: And I'm not the person who destroyed the toilets at Beaver's Garage.

Speaker 1: That was someone else who looks like me, maybe Jennifer Love-Hewitt or one of the Myra sisters, or maybe Joy-Louis Dreyfus or Zoe Deschanel.

Speaker 1: It was definitely Zoe Deschanel.

Speaker 2: Actually thinking to myself like wait a second.

Speaker 2: So who was the person in Pick 6, lore, who was constantly shitting up the toilets?

Speaker 2: And I forgot it was Zoe Deschanel.

Speaker 2: Yeah, in the happening she was shitting everywhere, yeah.

Speaker 1: In fact, in multiple episodes other people reference shitting as they got to take a Deschanel.

Speaker 1: It's classy, yeah Well, it's a classy show.

Speaker 1: So the waitress picks up the phone and she's like you know, poop, poop, poop, ring, ring.

Speaker 1: Hello, hey hun, it's me Darlene Joe Bethenna.

Speaker 1: You down here at Big Rick's Greasy Spoon Hotel Truck Stop?

Speaker 1: Can you see in Harlan down here?

Speaker 1: No, not the rapist from Thelma and Louise, we need Harlan, the sheriff from this movie.

Speaker 1: Thank you, hun.

Speaker 1: So the sheriff's on his way sort of.

Speaker 2: And then Grace is in the head once more choking up the porcelain.

Speaker 1: She's doing like Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, with the toilet, a trash can and the sink.

Speaker 1: I best be careful.

Speaker 2: I might need all three.

Speaker 1: Well, that's just where she's going to start.

Speaker 2: Where do I draw first blood?

Speaker 2: And I mean blood, because I'm menstruating.

Speaker 1: Gross.

Speaker 1: So Grace looks out the window and she sees that red truck that was banging into him earlier as an outside.

Speaker 1: So she hides by sitting on the floor of this bathroom at a truck stop.

Speaker 1: There is nothing that could get me to sit down on the floor of a truck stop bathroom.

Speaker 2: She's got sepsis at the end of this.

Speaker 1: Grace locks the door.

Speaker 1: Well, that's just what you do when you use a public restroom and then mysterious shadows Bo a feet, walk over to the door and jiggle the handle Like someone's got a pee pee or poo poo, and then they walk away Like that's what happens in a bathroom.

Speaker 2: Finally, these footsteps go away.

Speaker 2: After she's sweating bullets on the floor of this bathroom stall, we cut to the car where Shaggy is holding the dying father in his arms.

Speaker 2: Oh, like don't die on me, man, like we didn't take the knife out of you, so nothing more would come out, man.

Speaker 1: And this dad just barfs up blood.

Speaker 1: Some of it goes in Shaggy's mouth.

Speaker 1: I'm like uh, gross.

Speaker 2: Yeah, he's a zombie.

Speaker 2: Now, that's how that works.

Speaker 1: Grace peeks out the window and the red truck is gone, so she unlocks the door and exits the bathroom into the restaurant Bo, where she finds diners eating.

Speaker 1: That's very count.

Speaker 2: Floyd scary.

Speaker 2: They have to pay their own taxes.

Speaker 1: Oh so then, as Grace leaves the diner, some sheriff's officer just grabs her and pulls a gun, frees you're under arrest.

Speaker 1: And then another cop tackles Shaggy for what, who knows.

Speaker 1: And then immediately, Shaggy and Grace get taken down to the cellar of the sheriff's office for interrogation.

Speaker 2: He just like oh, it is the drunk Immediately.

Speaker 2: Grace is like.

Speaker 2: I don't know why you guys are messing around with us.

Speaker 2: There's this really gross, poor hitcher guy.

Speaker 1: Yeah, this movie actually has two Harlins, according to the credits.

Speaker 1: There's Sheriff Harlin Bremer Sr, who's this old man?

Speaker 1: And he's interrogating Grace, and also Grace should just say I want a lawyer and all of this stops.

Speaker 1: And then Shaggy gets put into a cell by Deputy Harlin Bremer Jr, who was played by actor Travis Schultz, who you may remember, bo, as been the soldier from it's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the one for whom they bought the jean shorts, or shorts, oh, wow.

Speaker 1: Okay, never expected such a heavy, always sunny connection, but I dig it.

Speaker 2: I'm glad.

Speaker 2: Yeah, that's great.

Speaker 1: Do you remember when you found out that Charlie's mom was Miss Yvonne from the movie Yvonne from Pee Wee's?

Speaker 2: Playhouse.

Speaker 2: I remember that happening way after I had seen like every episode of Always Sunny by that point.

Speaker 2: Yeah, it's one of those things that, yeah, like people get old and they just don't look like you think.

Speaker 1: One of the earliest versions of that happening to me was years after Airplane.

Speaker 1: The Movie came out, that the jive talking old lady that I realized that was Beaver Cleaver's mom from Leave it to Beaver, because I'd never seen her in color and she got much older.

Speaker 2: But I think her voice is what clued me in on this.

Speaker 1: Yeah, but I was stupid, I didn't know anything.

Speaker 1: Well not like now.

Speaker 2: Not like now, when we're so erudite Talking about menstrual pooping Pussy wagons and whatever else.

Speaker 1: Shit in the size of a ham to clog up a toilet.

Speaker 2: This is sort of that hierarchy of needs kind of thing, where we've reached a real top of the pyramid as far as intellectual curiosity and personal satisfaction.

Speaker 1: We try to work both ends of the spectrum.

Speaker 1: We go high and we go low.

Speaker 2: Michelle Obama would be very disappointed at us, but not just for that, sure as with Donald.

Speaker 2: Trump, that's kind of the genius of our show, right.

Speaker 1: Is that we?

Speaker 2: disappoint people on both sides of the political spectrum Parents, relatives, loved ones, friends.

Speaker 1: I hear about all that, Whoever you are we've disappointed you.

Speaker 1: As Grace is down in her holding cell, she looks over and sees a video screen and she is being recorded as part of her interrogation and she also notices that there's a two-way mirror in the room and Grace says ah, hello.

Speaker 1: I know there's someone there listening to me and I don't know what you read in the papers about Bufords being kind of an epicenter of a massive plumbing situation caused by a cute girl's slightly oversized shits.

Speaker 1: But that was not me.

Speaker 1: I mean, I'm cute, obviously, but I only poop like once a year on Groundhog today, so stop spreading rumors.

Speaker 2: By the way, where's the bathroom in this police station?

Speaker 1: Wait, there's the corner, never mind, I got it.

Speaker 1: On the other side of the interrogation room window is Beau the hitcher, and he's drawing a smiley face in blood.

Speaker 1: Which how did he get inside this Sheriff's office police station and why is he there, and how could this make less sense?

Speaker 2: Again, there's kind of a similar scene in the original.

Speaker 1: A couple of things we always talk about, like how they could make this movie better.

Speaker 1: I don't, but just don't make it.

Speaker 1: Okay, make it closer to the original and maybe make it a little more violent or something.

Speaker 1: But in the original when C Thomas Howe gets arrested and put in jail not wearing black base, he's in jail and then he's like shouting for an officer to come see him and when he leans on the cell door it opens.

Speaker 1: And this all happens after he wakes up, like that he's fallen asleep and it's very surreal in a way that it's like, why would this be open?

Speaker 1: Then he just walks into the Sheriff's office and sees all of these officers have been killed.

Speaker 1: It's one of those moments in the original where it feels more like the Terminator, that this person is just an unstoppable killing machine that is here to kill everyone except C Thomas Howe because he wants C Thomas Howe to kill him.

Speaker 1: So it kind of works that you just sort of have this ghostlike murdering nightmare of a character.

Speaker 1: But in this movie it's like wait, we just saw officers upstairs, now this guy's in the basement finger painting faces on the wall.

Speaker 1: The logistics of this are so wacky and out of place.

Speaker 2: It doesn't make sense and also we don't know who we're supposed to be following here.

Speaker 2: To compare it to the original, it's Rucker Howe or C Thomas Howell.

Speaker 2: Those are the yin and yang of that movie.

Speaker 1: Yeah, they screwed up making this a guy and a girl.

Speaker 1: It should just be one person, right.

Speaker 2: And if it's the girl, that's fine.

Speaker 2: Right, if it's the guy, that's fine too, but it needs to be one or the other, because when you're splitting them up like this, you're segmenting the focus of the movie and it should be this person V this person.

Speaker 2: That's kind of what made the original so good.

Speaker 2: By plunking in this other character, whether it's Shaggy or Grace, like get rid of one of them and you've got to clean her mood Absolutely.

Speaker 2: So Shaggy's like in his cell, like hey man, we were just trying to help this family.

Speaker 2: After the hit, your draws like the bloody face on the glass.

Speaker 2: Grace ends up leaving the room and then again this is very similar to the original where she sees this dog wandering by and is like oh my God, maybe that dog knows where to poop, and so she follows the dog out.

Speaker 1: I have never shit outdoors on purpose.

Speaker 1: Maybe it's the days of first day of the rest of my life.

Speaker 2: I have to admit I've never just squat down and did it like that.

Speaker 1: I'm gonna sing like no one's listening.

Speaker 1: I'm gonna dance like no one's watching and I'm gonna shit like I'm king of the goddamn world.

Speaker 1: Out of the way, dog, I'm shitting in the yard.

Speaker 1: Here's your little shillin' bone a calendar of your own.

Speaker 1: We had the dog shitting calendar for a year.

Speaker 1: I've got it this year.

Speaker 1: Do you good for?

Speaker 2: you.

Speaker 2: Yeah, Hell, look, I know how to treat myself.

Speaker 2: Chad.

Speaker 1: Yeah, for those of you out there who don't know what we're talking about, there are certain organizations that print calendars where every month you get a different picture of a dog hunkered up shitting in the wild, and all of the money goes for no-kill shelters.

Speaker 1: So do yourself a favor go buy a dog shitting calendar and help save a dog and shit out in the yard if you want.

Speaker 2: Ideally, you're shitting in the yard while you're looking at the calendar.

Speaker 1: I had to have a colonoscopy once and if you've ever had that you know you gotta clean out your pipes.

Speaker 1: And I'd pooped a few times and my wife and I were there and then I just got up and walked outside and just shitting our backyard like a dog it's one of the hardest times I've ever seen her laugh.

Speaker 1: I stripped down totally nude and just shitting our backyard like a dog and when I did it I did the knee wobble like you really shake, and she saw it and I mean and it was just like liquid.

Speaker 2: I don't know that you've ever told me that before.

Speaker 1: Here's a one-two punch for that.

Speaker 1: One time at Halloween we had some Halloween candy left over and it was on a back room and I grabbed a miniature baby Ruth and stuck it in my ass crack, and she was in there watching TV and I walked in I was like well, I don't feel good and I just pulled out of my pants and squat and shit in the living room and I think she was both horrified and proud and disappointed and questioning all of her life choices.

Speaker 1: I'm not sure where the pride comes in.

Speaker 1: Horrified, I guess you know what.

Speaker 1: I think I'm confusing my emotions with hers.

Speaker 1: I think the pride came from me.

Speaker 1: I think I picked it up and I was like giving it a little sniff.

Speaker 1: It was a real catty shack moment in the Cooper household.

Speaker 2: I don't see what the big deal is.

Speaker 2: It's fine.

Speaker 1: I did not eat it because I knew it had just come from my crack.

Speaker 1: Even I have a line that I won't cross Bo.

Speaker 2: Let's be honest, it's not the crack part as far as the origin story of this particular item.

Speaker 2: That's the problem.

Speaker 1: It's that it was still Halloween candy that it was a baby Ruth.

Speaker 2: Yeah, that's kind of gross.

Speaker 2: Baby Ruth is a poor candy bar at best.

Speaker 1: You would never see Grace eating a baby Ruth.

Speaker 2: No, she is Kit Kat or bust.

Speaker 1: Yeah, you look at her purse.

Speaker 1: You're going to find some dove candy bars, a half a roll of toilet paper, as well as some X-Lacks.

Speaker 2: The poorest I go is a Caramello, because it sounds Italian.

Speaker 1: Toblerone baby.

Speaker 2: So anyway, she follows this dog and finds it licking the bloody face of this cop that's been murdered.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 2: The whole place has just been massacred and Grace grabs a gun from one of the dead cops.

Speaker 2: This movie is almost over Bo yeah shockingly.

Speaker 2: But again, the whole movie is an hour and 16 minutes and the first 15 of it is jerking off talking about taking poops and pee faces and it's just the worst.

Speaker 2: But the hitter shows up at Shaggy Cell, who starts screaming.

Speaker 1: Oh Grace, I'm down here.

Speaker 2: It's the hitter.

Speaker 2: And the hitter is like you scream like a little bitch.

Speaker 2: And this is the first time that we get the question asked in the movie where Shaggy says like hey, man, like why are you doing this?

Speaker 2: He says do you seem like a smart kid or smarter than the other one?

Speaker 2: You can figure it out.

Speaker 2: Shaggy is like hey, grace watch out.

Speaker 1: Man.

Speaker 1: The hitter's down here.

Speaker 1: What the toilet's down there.

Speaker 1: I'm coming.

Speaker 2: She comes down like she is fresh out of CSI Flashlight in one hand, gun in the other and she's holding the flashlight perpendicular to her forearm.

Speaker 1: Yeah, do you know how normal people hold a flashlight like down low?

Speaker 1: She's kind of got it up eye level.

Speaker 1: She's sweeping the room and shit Like she has gone through Quantico.

Speaker 1: She should have been holding her gun sideways to really pull off the look, west side bitches, she goes downstairs.

Speaker 2: Let's shaggy out of the cell to no fanfare.

Speaker 2: Let's go buddy.

Speaker 2: And then they just escape through the back, while other cops show up at the front to find this police station absolutely devastated.

Speaker 2: So they're off on their own out in the woods or in the desert.

Speaker 1: Grace does say you know what, we should go back and talk to those cops.

Speaker 1: And shaggy says Like no way, man, I'm not going back.

Speaker 1: He killed all those officers.

Speaker 1: And Grace says you know, this is all your fault, You're the one who gave the hitter a ride and you know what else?

Speaker 1: I'll bet he's the one who clogged up all those toilets and buffers.

Speaker 2: Oh, so is this how we're going to play it?

Speaker 2: Man, Start pointing fingers.

Speaker 1: Who's the one who had to shit?

Speaker 1: And then, from out of the sky, the red truck just comes falling from the heavens, like Wiley Coyote is trying to kill the road runner below Dude yes.

Speaker 1: And he just crashes on the ground.

Speaker 2: I have no idea how this happens.

Speaker 2: You are exactly right.

Speaker 2: Into the movie Chad walks one Neil McDonough.

Speaker 1: Neil, these sure are good cereal flakes McDonough.

Speaker 1: Not that one, a character that we have seen how many times over the course of I only remember once he was running around and time traveling in the Michael Crichton novel adaptation of timeline.

Speaker 2: Oh, he was also in the Chun Lee Street Fighter movie.

Speaker 2: Oh, I don't remember that.

Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I know we've done enough now that some of these just start to fade into obscurity.

Speaker 1: He's got this freaky white hair and piercing blue eyes.

Speaker 1: Hell, he would have been a better the Hitcher than the.

Speaker 2: Hitcher in this movie.

Speaker 2: Absolutely, neil McDonough is a great character actor.

Speaker 1: Why neither Hitcher and you get handsome McStrongjaw to play the cop Flip flop role.

Speaker 2: Reversal Criss cross and yeah, I don't have any way.

Speaker 2: So he shows up as, like, the local ranger or something.

Speaker 1: He goes down into the interrogation room and looks at the two-ray mirror and he sees the smiley face on blood and he says these kids here.

Speaker 1: They didn't do this.

Speaker 1: It was someone else, probably an amateur finger painter.

Speaker 1: Enthusiast, Give me air, support, boys.

Speaker 1: We got ourselves a third suspect.

Speaker 2: So how old were the kids here who done perpetrated this crime?

Speaker 1: Oh well, it says here, sir.

Speaker 1: According to eyewitnesses, they were anywhere between the ages of 17 and 44.

Speaker 2: You requisition us a helicopter because we've got ourselves a third suspect.

Speaker 1: Yeah, we don't really have a helicopter.

Speaker 1: We've got a car out back.

Speaker 1: I got my kids drone in the trunk of the car.

Speaker 1: Would that help?

Speaker 1: Is it the kind that's got the screen on it?

Speaker 1: No, it doesn't have a camera.

Speaker 1: It's small.

Speaker 1: He wanted an elementary school carnival.

Speaker 1: He gets the most jelly beans in a jar.

Speaker 2: It'll have to do.

Speaker 1: If you could strap your cell phone to it they'd do it Real quick there.

Speaker 1: Ranger, do you have any AAA batteries?

Speaker 1: Because it needs AAA batteries.

Speaker 1: Not on me, aaa batteries.

Speaker 1: That's why we haven't really played with it too much.

Speaker 1: Go through the drawers of these here desks.

Speaker 1: I did.

Speaker 1: Yeah, we already.

Speaker 1: We went through them all Double A's, we got more double A's and you know what to do with Nine volts.

Speaker 1: For some reason, we got a lot of B batteries.

Speaker 1: How did you do you make things with B batteries anymore?

Speaker 1: I think those are only things from Hong Kong.

Speaker 1: You know what I'm going to do.

Speaker 1: I got Amazon Prime.

Speaker 1: Let me order some AAA batteries.

Speaker 1: They will be here between ooh.

Speaker 1: Don't want to pay 2.99 for.

Speaker 1: I'm going to pay 2.99 for express shipping.

Speaker 1: You can pay me back later.

Speaker 1: They're going to be here between 10 o'clock and midnight tonight, so we got some time to kill.

Speaker 1: Huh, does anybody have a harmonica?

Speaker 2: So while that's going on back at the station, we cut to our heroes question mark.

Speaker 2: You have found a trailer in the middle of nowhere and are just banging on the door trying to get in.

Speaker 1: Like, let us in man.

Speaker 2: My girlfriend here needs a toilet.

Speaker 2: Real bad man.

Speaker 2: Grace, I'm telling you, just use the desert.

Speaker 2: It's just like a big litter box man.

Speaker 1: They don't get in the trailer, but they end up inside of a creepy shed and then the movie shows us a big spider web boat with a spider on it, and then we see a scorpion on the ground.

Speaker 1: That's creepy and scary.

Speaker 2: Dude.

Speaker 2: The thing that blows my mind is this moment of like ooh, look kids, creepy, creepy spider.

Speaker 2: Whoa and a scorpion Did see that coming.

Speaker 2: Did ya A cockroach?

Speaker 1: Oh, and a rat.

Speaker 1: Oh, put your hand in this bucket, they're eyeballs.

Speaker 2: It's incredibly stupid.

Speaker 2: Sure enough, they're peeking through the door and they see the hitcher coming around the corner with a shotgun.

Speaker 1: Hey, I got a gun, guys.

Speaker 1: A sheriff's car pulls up and a deputy gets out and then Shaggy hands Grace the gun that they stole from the sheriff's station and Shaggy says, like I'm going to go talk to this guy, man, he seems pretty reasonable.

Speaker 1: And then Shaggy steps out of the shed and he immediately gets tackled by this guy like a linebacker and the deputy calls back to HQ and he says deputy to HQ, I've got the male suspect in custody.

Speaker 1: The female remains at lodge.

Speaker 1: And then there's a click and Grace is standing there holding the gun that they stole from the sheriff's office earlier and she's pointing at this deputy.

Speaker 1: Now, until this point, Bo, there is no real evidence that Shaggy and Grace have done anything illegal.

Speaker 1: Okay, but now she's in a spot of trouble.

Speaker 1: She's pulled a gun on a sheriff's deputy and Grace says get off, my boyfriend weirdo, and put your hands in the air.

Speaker 1: But not like you, just don't care, Just put them in the air regular.

Speaker 1: And I have a gun now.

Speaker 1: Pew, pew and whoa, this thing is heavy.

Speaker 1: You know, I feel powerful.

Speaker 1: With this gun in my hands, I'm commanding respect and authority through fear.

Speaker 1: This is intoxicating.

Speaker 2: While this is going on.

Speaker 2: There's a cutaway scene to Neil McDonough Uh-huh, look, I've been going over this case in my mind again and again, what I have determined.

Speaker 2: These kids absolutely did not do this.

Speaker 2: There is no way that they had anything to do with the violence that we have seen so far, and you could take that to the bank, or my name ain't Neil McDonough and immediately Chad.

Speaker 2: Uh-huh, she's got this gun pointed at this cop's head.

Speaker 1: Shaggy take his gun.

Speaker 1: It's awesome having guns, greta gun, you feel like a superhero, like I could take a life.

Speaker 1: This is nuts.

Speaker 1: Can you imagine sitting on the toilet with a gun in your hand?

Speaker 1: Oh, oh jeez, I know what I'm doing.

Speaker 1: Later today, and then, out of nowhere, we hear capow Headshot.

Speaker 1: The hitcher shoots the deputy in the head.

Speaker 1: Now, bo, you might think, uh-oh, this is bad for Shaggy and Grace, but it's not.

Speaker 1: It's a good thing.

Speaker 1: All they gotta do is wipe their prints off those guns you stole and run off.

Speaker 1: The only witness that knew you held a deputy at gunpoint is now suffering from a severe case of missing head disorder.

Speaker 2: Somebody radios the backup arrives just in time and they're like, oh my god, these kids.

Speaker 2: The girl she just shot Frank in the head Blue is god damn brains out for everywhere and Neil McDonough is just like son of a bitch.

Speaker 2: I know what I just said.

Speaker 2: Nobody has to repeat it to me.

Speaker 1: If one of you MF'ers says I told you so it's over, you understand me, it's over.

Speaker 1: No more donuts on Friday boys.

Speaker 1: Keep your lips closed if you know what's good for when you like donuts.

Speaker 2: Also, the hitcher used some kind of assault rifle we've never seen before.

Speaker 2: Don't know where he got this thing.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 2: But with dead accuracy from an angle, shoots this guy in the head.

Speaker 2: Yeah, it's incredibly dumb.

Speaker 1: Also, this movie's real cheap because when he shoots the guy, the bullet that hits him is CGI yeah.

Speaker 1: And then all the deputies start firing off their guns but nothing gets hit.

Speaker 1: It's all sound effects.

Speaker 1: And then Grace and Shaggy, they hop in the sheriff's car and they take off.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher steals a black 1981 Pontiac Firebird Transam.

Speaker 1: It is almost identical to the one that the bandit drove in Smoky and the Bandit.

Speaker 1: Very much is Instead of it being 1977, it's an 81.

Speaker 1: Otherwise, in that they are identical.

Speaker 1: So what we have here is a black Transam chasing a sheriff's car, essentially flipping the script on Smoky and the Bandit, turning it into Smoky and the Bandit 3.

Speaker 1: Smoky is the Bandit From dum-dums like me the Bandit, and Smoky Smoky is the Bandit.

Speaker 1: It's my favorite line from Bill and Ted's bogus journey.

Speaker 1: Whenever I can wedge that joke in, I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 1: When death is watching them play charades.

Speaker 1: Yeah, and he's throwing out guesses for the movie that they're doing.

Speaker 1: The first one he throws out is Butch on Sundance, the.

Speaker 2: Early Years.

Speaker 2: That's also very good.

Speaker 1: And then his next guest is Smoky and the Bandit 3.

Speaker 1: Smoky is the Bandit.

Speaker 1: He throws out the tagline.

Speaker 2: Also, this is just a little William Sadler love from bogus journey because he's amazing in that movie.

Speaker 2: Well, they're about to do the big rap at the end of the movie.

Speaker 2: Yeah, and he does the.

Speaker 2: You Might to be a King on Little Street Sweeper, but sooner or later you dance with Oripah.

Speaker 2: So good, william Sadler.

Speaker 1: Always a wonderful character.

Speaker 1: Actor Always makes a movie better Would have been a better the.

Speaker 2: Hitcher Would have been a great the Hitcher, as a matter of fact, but his turn as death and bogus journey may be the highlight of his career.

Speaker 1: Did you ever see that part three?

Speaker 1: I did, I never saw it, it's okay.

Speaker 2: Yeah, was he in it?

Speaker 2: I think so.

Speaker 2: Like it wasn't super memorable.

Speaker 2: That third one.

Speaker 2: Like there were moments that were fine, there were some decent jokes in there, but the thing I remember most is just like oh, everybody's really old.

Speaker 1: Like that Pee Wee's big adventure where he was running around with Big Dick Richie.

Speaker 2: I understand why there is a reason to make this, but but please don't.

Speaker 2: But it's also how I feel about that new Indiana Jones, which, by the way, apparently not the only one.

Speaker 2: Chad People stayed away from that movie in droves.

Speaker 1: I saw it and he's old and they travel in time.

Speaker 2: You went about.

Speaker 2: 15 other people saw that movie.

Speaker 1: I think that maybe two of those movies are decent.

Speaker 1: I think parts of the other ones are okay.

Speaker 1: You can pick and choose.

Speaker 1: I don't think that the finale of the third Indiana Jones, where Indiana Jones does a somersault he basically takes a DUI roadside heel to toe test and picks up an old cup is a wonderful finale for part three.

Speaker 2: I only like the first two, and the second one is more of a guilty pleasure than an actual like.

Speaker 1: Three, four, five are all equally good and equally bad.

Speaker 1: They have moments that are entertaining.

Speaker 2: I would say last crusade is the third best.

Speaker 2: And then there's a big drop off, and then there's crystal skull.

Speaker 1: Well, you haven't even seen Indiana Jones and the time traveling tales of adventure, whatever it's called.

Speaker 2: You can't say anything.

Speaker 2: I've had that movie fully spoiled for me now Like I know everything that happens in the movie.

Speaker 2: And I'm like, I'm good, I don't need to see that.

Speaker 1: That's how I am with almost every movie that's out there.

Speaker 1: So, yeah, there are so many movies that I see the trailer and I immediately just go to Wikipedia and read the plot and I'm like, just save myself two hours, let's keep going.

Speaker 1: So Shaggy is driving the sheriff's car and he tells Grace, like the hitcher is not going to stop, man, and I think he's framing us for all these murders and crimes.

Speaker 1: You know what?

Speaker 1: That's what he's doing.

Speaker 1: Oh, and then three patrol cars start to give chase, along with a helicopter.

Speaker 1: Grace gets on the police radio and she says hello, can anybody hear me?

Speaker 1: This is Grace, who has famously tiny poops.

Speaker 1: That guy who shot the sheriff's deputy is the hitcher.

Speaker 1: It is definitely not us.

Speaker 1: And then, lieutenant McDonough, he comes on the radio and he says I have a witness who says you did kill that sheriff's deputy.

Speaker 1: Pull over, or my officers are going to pull you over.

Speaker 1: And Grace says he's a liar, we can't pull over, it's not safe.

Speaker 2: At this point, one of the cops chasing them just starts taking shots at them Headshots.

Speaker 2: Yeah, but before any of this can come to anything, the hitcher shows up Chad in his transient.

Speaker 1: It's me the hitcher driving a fast car.

Speaker 1: Yeah Well, you got.

Speaker 1: You got some.

Speaker 1: You got some beer back of that door car, maybe an elephant spark to some metaphor for mortality over here.

Speaker 2: Is that what I'm doing?

Speaker 1: Put a large stuffed Marlon on top of the Sheriff's Patrol Jones car.

Speaker 1: That's what happens in part three smoking the matter.

Speaker 1: People don't think I'm in that movie, but I make a weird cameo at the end.

Speaker 2: He just starts picking off these cops left and right.

Speaker 2: Yeah, he just starts murdering these officers, just one after the other.

Speaker 2: Just kapow, kapow, yeah.

Speaker 2: And then Chad, there's a helicopter following.

Speaker 2: He shoots this helicopter out of the sky in motion in the Transam.

Speaker 2: Yeah, it is one of the craziest things I've ever seen in a movie.

Speaker 1: And excluding the Transamp art.

Speaker 1: This is all lifted from the original, excluding the Transam and also I don't think.

Speaker 2: Does Rutger Howard shoot a helicopter out of the side?

Speaker 2: Yes, he does.

Speaker 1: Oh man, yeah, he blows up a helicopter in that one and then the hitcher just drives off and shaggy and grace, who are now driving a car, that's just on the rims blowing sparks everywhere, they stop and the cars all smoke in and partially on fire and then they just walk off into a field to go where who knows I'm like I'll bet they're hungry.

Speaker 1: They got to be in a grumpy, bad mood.

Speaker 1: I get grumpy, in a bad mood, thiving in for a whole day.

Speaker 1: And then day turns tonight and they wander down the side of this hill to a sketchy motel with a big neon sign out front that says luxury motel.

Speaker 1: And the only way that this sign would be put up in front of a place like this is if there were three X's in the word luxury.

Speaker 2: We've talked about this before.

Speaker 2: It's just a good rule of thumb If anything advertises itself as quality, luxury, elite, any of those things it's not unless if it's classy and it's spelled with a K.

Speaker 1: Well then, you got a double negative which doesn't make a positive.

Speaker 1: You just double down on the shittiness.

Speaker 1: Like classy nails with a K.

Speaker 1: You don't go there.

Speaker 1: Get your classy tattoos with a K, you don't do that.

Speaker 2: No, although if I were gonna get tattooed, I prefer to do it the old fashioned way, in a jail.

Speaker 2: Yes.

Speaker 1: There's a nail salon in the town where I live that's called decent nails.

Speaker 1: You know what you're in for.

Speaker 1: Excuse me, I'd like to get my nails done.

Speaker 1: There's gonna be decent.

Speaker 1: Okay, I guess that's not wrong.

Speaker 1: Did you bring a coupon?

Speaker 1: No, here we'll give you one.

Speaker 1: We only do nails for people what got a coupon.

Speaker 1: Okay, we don't want to get sued, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2: The last time I did nails, it was just to earn some extra money on the streets.

Speaker 2: Where are we in this?

Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: Shaggy breaks into a motel room.

Speaker 1: He just opens a window.

Speaker 2: Good thing it's not occupied pervert Grace wants to call home, like, oh my god, I need to call my parents and tell them I'm okay or something.

Speaker 2: She picks up the phone and she's like God, we can't even do that.

Speaker 2: This goes straight to the front desk and I'm like what kind of shitty motel is this that you're ringing the front desk to get out?

Speaker 1: So they do the next best thing they climb into the shower together and have sex, I assume.

Speaker 2: What a misplace sex scene this is.

Speaker 1: And it's not full on like they're bouncing off one another, but they're both naked in the shower and something's gonna pop up.

Speaker 2: Finally, shaggy is like hey man, now that I've popped a nut, I'm gonna go check for a payphone.

Speaker 1: I'll be back in 15 minutes.

Speaker 1: Man.

Speaker 1: And then Grace climbs in bed and starts watching the Alfred Hitchcock film the Birds.

Speaker 1: Why do this?

Speaker 1: Why bring a Hitchcock movie into this garbage remake?

Speaker 2: We have said it millions of times on this show at this point do not put a better movie in your shitty movie.

Speaker 1: Yeah, or don't make me think about a better movie in your shitty movie.

Speaker 1: And for what it's worth, I think the Birds is a shitty movie.

Speaker 1: I don't like it.

Speaker 1: Are you out of your mind?

Speaker 1: No, I'm not.

Speaker 1: I have my opinions and I'm firm on this.

Speaker 2: The Birds is great.

Speaker 2: I've watched it within the past year and the Birds is a great movie.

Speaker 1: I like the birds to the burdening.

Speaker 1: Grace falls asleep in the bed and she wakes up and sees that there's some hostess ding dongs on the nightstand.

Speaker 1: That's a callback to the Bufords where she shit earlier and she kind of smiles, making you think that Shaggy's there with her.

Speaker 1: But then she just gets attacked by the hitcher who's in the hotel room.

Speaker 1: He's like I'm fucking horny.

Speaker 1: And then the two of them tussle.

Speaker 1: She hides in the bathroom.

Speaker 2: If I may?

Speaker 2: What she says is you're making me horny.

Speaker 2: And he's like yeah, yeah, I'm horny too.

Speaker 1: And then they tussle which let me just say I don't want to ping pong between the original and this one.

Speaker 1: Yeah, in the original C Thomas Howell and Jennifer Jason Lee team up and they're together and they go to a shitty hotel and then they're in a pretty desperate place and it's not nearly as awful as this horseshit remake and he says I need to go take a shower.

Speaker 1: So he goes and takes a shower.

Speaker 1: Even when you see him, he's taking off his shirt.

Speaker 1: His body is so beaten by the torture that he's gone through he can barely get undressed.

Speaker 1: He's cleaning off blood and dirt on his hands and she's in the bedroom just kind of laying there.

Speaker 1: And then while C Thomas Howell is in the shower, there are headlights that kind of wash across the room throughout this scene.

Speaker 1: And once he's gone, the headlines wash across and you see Rudker Howe the hitcher, standing in the shadows and being illuminated.

Speaker 1: It is a very ominous scene.

Speaker 1: And then you see him walk over and climb into bed with Jennifer Jason Lee and she kind of thinks it's him.

Speaker 1: He reaches over and holds her hand, she holds his hand and then she realizes these are not the hands of C Thomas Howell and then he just kind of like puts his hand on her mouth.

Speaker 2: There's none of this.

Speaker 1: I'm horny too, baby Right, none of that happens and it is a truly suspenseful and frightening moment in that movie and this.

Speaker 1: It's just confusing and it's sexual assault 100% she hides in the bathroom with the gun and instead of shooting six times through the door, she's just like get out of here.

Speaker 1: I got a gun and if I know how to use it, I would shoot you, mr.

Speaker 2: Man, get out of here, hitcher.

Speaker 2: Nobody wants you.

Speaker 2: Scott shoot, be gone with you.

Speaker 2: Stupid hitcher, always trying to sneak around.

Speaker 1: So Grace is in the bathroom, she gets dressed because that's what you do in a movie like this and then she leaves the bathroom which, by the way, though this bathroom didn't have a lock on the door, the hitcher could have walked right in.

Speaker 1: They kind of overlook that detail and she cautiously like tiptoes outside and she goes into the parking light and here she finds that shaggy is chained up with his hands tied to a tractor trailer and his feet are chained up and tied to the cab of the truck and they're separate.

Speaker 1: So he's like a little human bridge between the two.

Speaker 1: And this is the famous scene you mentioned in the original movie.

Speaker 1: But in that movie it's just see Thomas Howell, the one who's torn in the whole time, right, and it is the waitress, jennifer Jason Lee, who is kind of in this damsel in distress role.

Speaker 1: But in this movie, though, they flip the script.

Speaker 1: They put the guy between the truck and the trailer.

Speaker 2: They do.

Speaker 2: Indeed, and I get it, you're doing something a little different with this, I suppose, and if you're gonna have this character, the fact that you're kind of rolling with two characters now, if you're gonna do that, at least you're giving some kind of reason for it in this moment, but you don't care about either of these characters enough for this matter.

Speaker 1: She gets in the cab of the truck with the hitcher and she's like Listen, mr man, turn off the truck, I'm gonna shoot you if I figure out how this gun works.

Speaker 1: And the hitcher says you shoot me, my foot comes off the clutch and shaggy back there, dies.

Speaker 1: And Grace is like Damn, you really got me there.

Speaker 1: Then just turn off the truck.

Speaker 1: He's like I can't, I want you to kill me.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher he grabs the barrel of the gun and he puts it to his own forehead and he says Do it shoot me, I want to die.

Speaker 1: And Grace says you are crazy, but you are handsome, you're a bad boy, aren't you?

Speaker 2: Do you think you could like come to learn what I look like when I pee?

Speaker 2: Because that's really what I'm missing in life.

Speaker 1: I'm just gonna ask this Are you into scat?

Speaker 1: And I'm not talking about improv jazz singing, mr.

Speaker 1: You know what I'm talking about, I think.

Speaker 2: I know what you're talking about and the answer is only when I'm drunk, kill me, kill me.

Speaker 1: Also during this scene it doesn't cut much back to shaggy being tortured or tormented.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher looks over Grace and he's like Ah yo just a useless waste and he lets the clutch off of the truck.

Speaker 1: And this whole time a sheriff's deputies have shown up.

Speaker 1: That's kind of an important thing that they see her with the gun to his head.

Speaker 1: As he lets off the clutch, the cab rolls forward and it just snaps shaggy in two quite violently.

Speaker 1: You see it and RIP shaggy from our movie.

Speaker 2: In fairness, shad, the amount of torso that you get to see here is not bad in terms of like when he actually fully eats it.

Speaker 2: Yeah, kind of on board with it.

Speaker 2: I mean it's quick, but for a movie that doesn't have a lot more to recommend it, it's all right.

Speaker 1: It's quick.

Speaker 1: You definitely see his body ripped in two.

Speaker 1: Again, to go back to the original.

Speaker 1: When they rip Jennifer Jason Lee in half, you do not see it.

Speaker 1: You see her starting to get ripped in half and then it goes to black and you just hear her screaming, which one could argue is way more effective.

Speaker 1: And that scene is so much more tense than this one, because when see Thomas Howell realizes, like I am dealing with this maniac and crosses a line, and at that time in both movies they're surrounded by the cops, this dude truly does not give a shit whatsoever.

Speaker 1: So back to this shitty movie.

Speaker 1: We see Grace and she's been examined by a scientist or something.

Speaker 1: She's all in shock.

Speaker 1: And then, Lieutenant McDonough, he shows up and he's like how to grace that?

Speaker 1: Sorry, I didn't believe you earlier.

Speaker 1: My bad, I really.

Speaker 1: I dropped the ball on that one.

Speaker 1: That is on me.

Speaker 1: We ran fingerprints on the hitcher and I'll be damned.

Speaker 1: He's like a ghost.

Speaker 1: He's got no background.

Speaker 1: But look, I'm gonna walk in there.

Speaker 1: We're gonna have a little man to man.

Speaker 1: I'm gonna interrogate him a little bit.

Speaker 1: You just hang tight right here, young Missy.

Speaker 2: Also, he has no corporeal form.

Speaker 2: We tried to fingerprint him and his thumb passed through the thumb pad, so he may truly be a ghost.

Speaker 1: Check this out.

Speaker 1: Here's his mugshot.

Speaker 1: Nobody's in it.

Speaker 1: He might be a vampire, we don't know.

Speaker 1: All right, but look, I got.

Speaker 1: I got a empty power bottle.

Speaker 1: I filled up with holy water.

Speaker 1: Well, it's water from the water fountain, but I had Padre out there give a little inka dinka do on it.

Speaker 1: So it's good to go.

Speaker 1: I got some pencils.

Speaker 1: These are wooden stakes and you know what I'm gonna roll the dice.

Speaker 1: We're gonna see what happens here.

Speaker 1: Alright, so just hang tight.

Speaker 1: If you need to use the bathroom, there's the men's room, there's the ladies room.

Speaker 1: Over here is one of them restrooms.

Speaker 1: If you need to like assisted help, use one, all three.

Speaker 1: I know you got issues, ibs or whatever you got going on.

Speaker 1: You just take care of that.

Speaker 1: I'm gonna go in there.

Speaker 1: So here we go and break man.

Speaker 1: Here we go.

Speaker 1: So he goes into interrogate the hitcher, mm.

Speaker 1: Hmm, these weren't handcuffs Uh huh, naturally Mcdonald's he's like listen up here, where are you from?

Speaker 1: And then she's like oh, I'm from all over.

Speaker 1: Oh man, this is one sick puppy.

Speaker 1: Well, you tortured that fella.

Speaker 1: You knew you could call.

Speaker 1: How many hours you killed.

Speaker 1: You know, in New Mexico we got the death penalty.

Speaker 1: You don't seem to be worried.

Speaker 1: You know what?

Speaker 1: You look?

Speaker 1: Comfy in them, handcuffs.

Speaker 1: What if I tighten them up?

Speaker 1: Click, click, click, click, click.

Speaker 1: He's like oh, oh, you got me.

Speaker 1: You put the handcuffs real tight around my wrists.

Speaker 1: That's how we do it here, New Mexico style.

Speaker 2: Later on, mcdonald is telling Grace, we're gonna take you to Albuquerque and I guarantee you we're gonna listen to that weird song the entire way.

Speaker 2: You're gonna love it.

Speaker 2: It's sort of a free form parody, but it's quite funny.

Speaker 2: I think you're gonna enjoy it.

Speaker 2: And then you'll be released to your parents and by then you'll know all the words and you can kind of pass it along to them.

Speaker 1: You know I'm gonna pull it up on my phone.

Speaker 1: There's a couple of videos that fans made of it that are pretty funny.

Speaker 1: They're pretty good.

Speaker 1: You're gonna like it.

Speaker 1: The ending of this movie is real boring.

Speaker 2: From the moment Neil Mcdonald tells Grace that she is going to Albuquerque to be released to her parents.

Speaker 2: There are eight minutes left in the film.

Speaker 1: On their way out.

Speaker 1: As Mcdonald is leaving with Grace, she is getting into a patrol car and she looks over and sees the hitcher being put in the back of a transport van.

Speaker 1: Awkward, and so these officers are transporting the hitcher to Albuquerque and he's in the back of this van with a deputy and for some reason the only living person he tortured is in a different patrol car, following close behind both.

Speaker 2: Like what?

Speaker 2: Why is Neil Mcdonald?

Speaker 2: He's kind of right behind him and there's not a great reason for him to like.

Speaker 2: Like, why do this?

Speaker 2: Why go through the trouble of having them follow behind like this?

Speaker 2: You know what I mean.

Speaker 2: Like this close, I guess, is what I'm saying.

Speaker 2: Like, why not break it up a little bit?

Speaker 2: Have?

Speaker 1: them leave 10 minutes earlier Right.

Speaker 2: Yeah exactly, you guys go at 12.

Speaker 2: We're gonna leave at 1230.

Speaker 1: We're gonna stop and grab lunch at a subway.

Speaker 1: I've got a coupon, not for subway but for decent nails.

Speaker 1: The woman needs to get her nails done.

Speaker 1: She wants to look pretty when she sees her parents.

Speaker 2: Anything Chad like it just seems incredibly irresponsible, at minimum.

Speaker 1: Here's the end of the long story short, the hitcher.

Speaker 1: I think he breaks his own wrist, or?

Speaker 2: something breaks the skin on his wrist for sure, and uses that to like lubricate the cuffs and he gets out.

Speaker 1: The best part about this is that the deputy who's watching him he's literally two feet away from this guy like their knees are touching and the wiggling that the hitcher is doing is pretty obvious that he's getting out of his cuffs and this deputy is like what are you doing there?

Speaker 1: You up to something.

Speaker 2: It's totally.

Speaker 2: Hey.

Speaker 2: Are you just doing a little shimmy?

Speaker 2: Are you happy to be arrested?

Speaker 1: I'm looking at your face.

Speaker 1: It doesn't look like you have to pee, but you're wiggling like you have to pee.

Speaker 1: So what's going on over there?

Speaker 2: This is some poor police work.

Speaker 2: You know what do you expect from New Mexico, I guess?

Speaker 1: Whoa throwing some shade at the New Mexico Police Department.

Speaker 2: They know what they did.

Speaker 2: Chad.

Speaker 1: Why don't you want to go to New Mexico, Bo?

Speaker 1: Why don't you want to go to New Mexico?

Speaker 2: We got to get to Mexico, but you can't go through New Mexico, Chad.

Speaker 1: The hitcher gets out of his handcuffs and he whips it around to where they're open and he uses it like a blade and he splits the throat of this deputy who's not very good at his job, and you get some real practical bloody throat effects here, if that's your thing, so congratulations.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher grabs a shotgun from that deputy, shoots the passenger officer in the front of the car, but then the whole transport van flips over multiple times.

Speaker 1: Everyone should be dead.

Speaker 1: No one survives a crash like this Right, like it's 70 miles an hour in the interstate and your car just rolls over.

Speaker 1: No seatbelts know nothing.

Speaker 1: You are dead, you're not walking away from that.

Speaker 2: You're absolutely right, Chad.

Speaker 2: This is all just utter nonsense that we are.

Speaker 1: And then and then, an El Camino crashes into the van.

Speaker 2: Well, I mean, it's an El Camino Chad.

Speaker 2: We get to the point where the crashes happen.

Speaker 2: The van's turned over and over and the SUV that Neil McDonough and Grace are in gets hit by an El Camino.

Speaker 2: And then Neil McDonough's leg is trapped.

Speaker 1: For gosh.

Speaker 1: Done, done, my legs pinched.

Speaker 1: Grace, I got a call for backup.

Speaker 2: I'm gonna call for backup.

Speaker 2: You stay right here.

Speaker 2: She's like no, no, no, I'm gonna end this right now.

Speaker 1: I'm done running from the hitcher.

Speaker 1: Give me your gun, mister.

Speaker 1: Is this how you make it go?

Speaker 1: The bullets come out and the bullets come out of this part.

Speaker 1: Okay, I got it.

Speaker 2: He says you don't know what you're doing.

Speaker 2: And she's like I know exactly what I'm doing, mister.

Speaker 1: She walks up to the back of the transport van it's all flipped over or something and she's like boom, boom, boom, open up, mister the hitcher.

Speaker 1: It's me, you're a worst nightmare.

Speaker 1: Don't worry, lieutenant McDonough, I got this.

Speaker 1: And then the hitcher just opens it up, balks her on the head, throws her inside and he jumps out.

Speaker 2: Right, she does a terrible job here.

Speaker 2: Anyway, he pops out with this shotgun and walks over to Neil McDonough, who at this point gives him a particularly witty bon-mote of hey, how about you go fuck yourself, that you're just like, all right.

Speaker 2: And then just shoots him yeah.

Speaker 2: But then out comes Sophia Bush kicking her way.

Speaker 2: Oh, wait, wait, wait, we've left out an important part.

Speaker 1: Yeah, there's leaking gas lane on the ground and the hitcher shoots his gun at the gasoline, which makes the entire transport van explode, with Grayson sited, thus driving Neil deGrasse, tyson, bill Nye, the science guy and the entire crew of mythbusters.

Speaker 2: crazy, because that's how shit works, so it sets it ablaze.

Speaker 2: Grayse, meanwhile, has gotten a shotgun from the front seat of this transport because she like pulled down the wire mesh that something separates the prisoner transport from the cab and pulls that free and dude.

Speaker 2: She kicks the back door of this thing open while it's on fire and leaps out with this shotgun Like she is John McClain from one of the later diehards equals.

Speaker 1: Hey the hitcher, it's time to say grace.

Speaker 2: If only she had said that oh, that's a good line, I'm so proud of that.

Speaker 2: Talk about making your movie less worse.

Speaker 2: If she had said it's time to say grace and then cock the shotgun with one hand and then just started blasting him nonstop, which is kind of what happened.

Speaker 1: She shoots him a couple of times, but he's wearing a bulletproof vest, yeah.

Speaker 1: And then she walks over and he looks up and he's like oh it feels good, doesn't it, to shoot a stranger, to murder somebody.

Speaker 1: Gray says look, mr the Hitcher, I don't feel a thing except a turtle head poking out, and then she blasts him in the head.

Speaker 2: And then I mention I'm menstruating.

Speaker 2: I call it a raspberry sundae.

Speaker 1: Jesus Christ, if that's what you call it.

Speaker 1: I'll have to go check Urban Dictionary on that.

Speaker 1: So she shoots him in the head and then we get a POV shot from up in the air and we hear the song how we Operate by Gomez, some British indie rock band that sounds like a watered down Pearl Jamp.

Speaker 1: One little detail we missed earlier was the scene where the hitcher kills everybody and shoots down the helicopter and kills all the cops.

Speaker 1: They play Trent Reznor's I want to fuck you like an animal.

Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, remember that this seems wholly inappropriate for a cop murdering.

Speaker 1: chase scene on the interstate 100% closer by nine inch.

Speaker 2: Nails is not a car chase song, it is a angry fucking song, and the only time you should use that is when you are angrily fucking someone or you're in the movie seven.

Speaker 2: Those are the only times.

Speaker 1: Yeah, that guy did angry fuck some people.

Speaker 1: You kidding me, that was gross.

Speaker 1: And then he put it on me and he put it on me, and then this movie rolls credits.

Speaker 1: That's it.

Speaker 1: It's a really really bad movie.

Speaker 2: But you know, we talked about it in record time.

Speaker 1: That's pretty good.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's something.

Speaker 1: So I'm gonna do something I've never done before, bo, in the history of pick six movies.

Speaker 1: I'm gonna put my pants back on before the episode is over.

Speaker 1: And I received numerous recommendations for episodes for one of our discussions for this season.

Speaker 1: I received a bunch.

Speaker 1: I did, I mean I checked the email.

Speaker 1: I want to else check, but I was just like bored and there were a bunch and I had one of our interns go in and pull out all the recommendations and I have them in a bowl or something.

Speaker 1: It's our container, it's like a plastic container and they're all folded up, the ones that I read through.

Speaker 1: I remember there was movies like Wild Hogs is in there, that space alien movie Paul was in there, the Darjeeling Limited one of my personal favorites road to perdition.

Speaker 1: There was a recommendation for an any pots Mark Hamill movie called Corvette Summer.

Speaker 1: Sure Never heard of that.

Speaker 1: Yeah, we got a lot of choices, so I'm gonna shake this up and I am going to pick out a movie for episode five.

Speaker 1: Oh, this is very exciting, kind of a lottery.

Speaker 1: Yeah, never before been done.

Speaker 1: I have a piece of paper, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 1: Yeah, shit, it's over the top with Sylvester Stoll.

Speaker 2: Wait, I didn't even hear you mention that.

Speaker 1: Well, I didn't mention them all.

Speaker 1: There was there's like 25 of them or something in here.

Speaker 1: Those are the ones I remembered.

Speaker 1: You ever pick a different one.

Speaker 1: I mean, we can't do that.

Speaker 2: You gotta let the chips fall where they may, right, like you can't just look at the face of fate and deny it.

Speaker 2: You gotta accept the lot that's given to you in life and I'm like, if nothing else, Chad I'm a fatalist and I know I know, but over the top, this is the arm wrestling father son, get to know you trip.

Speaker 1: Canon films yeah, extravaganza.

Speaker 2: Boy, are we just working our way through the Canon Films catalog?

Speaker 2: Is that I mean for what we?

Speaker 1: do.

Speaker 1: How could we not?

Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess that's true.

Speaker 1: It seems like that's a main vein of shitty movies that we would be talking about, and you've already talked with our lawyers about episode six, so I can't pull out another name because that's already in the hopper.

Speaker 1: Yeah, to make sure we're not gonna get in trouble for that.

Speaker 2: Well, we're gonna get in trouble for that, chad.

Speaker 1: So five and six, or they're in the books, yeah, they're on their way.

Speaker 1: We can't do anything about it, so tune in.

Speaker 1: In two weeks we will be talking about over the top, which includes arm wrestling and more 18 wheelers.

Speaker 1: It does not involve a strapping a human being between those two 18 wheelers.

Speaker 1: We should be so lucky, mm.

Speaker 1: Hmm, it does involve strapping two men's hands together as they look deeply into one another's eyes and sweat and grunt, not in the way I would want to see that happen.

Speaker 2: Over the top.

Speaker 2: One of the better films based on a prepositional phrase under the rainbow is there over the top.

Speaker 2: Into the wild, up the creek, through the woods, yeah, into the woods about Schmidt.

Speaker 2: I don't know that about Schmidt is technically a prepositional phrase.

Speaker 1: It's close enough.

Speaker 2: It's about a boy, I think would be a prepositional phrase behind the candelabra.

Speaker 1: Smoky is the bandit.

Speaker 1: Smoky is the bandit.

Speaker 1: Ah, alright, shit Over the top.

Speaker 1: Alright, come back and see us in two weeks time.

Speaker 1: You can email us and tell us that you're pissed off.

Speaker 1: We didn't pick your movie and we're so sorry.

Speaker 1: Thank you for playing, but we can only have a one winner, and and all you win is that you can have bragging rights to whatever people you brag about.

Speaker 1: Something like this, I don't even know who submitted this one.

Speaker 2: If you chose over the top, which had long odds.

Speaker 2: You were now a rich man.

Speaker 1: Right, I don't care, great Bo, any final thoughts that you have on the hitch or the remake.

Speaker 2: Zoinks, now that I've been pulled apart, I can see how flat my ass is.

Speaker 1: We'll see everybody in two weeks time.